New Baby Love

What is love? Even before a child is born, a mother begins to have a connection with someone she really doesn't know. Love begins in her mind, her imaginations, her hopes, her dreams. She forms a picture of what love will look like, who love will look like, how love will act towards her.

As the child grows within her belly, she might even start having conversations with that unborn and unknown entity. She might make promises to that little human to be. Promises like eternal nurturing and protection and preparations for the place in the world that child will come to know as their own.

She wants to offer her offspring more than she had or rear them the same way she had been reared...or totally different than she had been. And, as the baby kicks inside of her, she feels the responsibility. It weighs on her heart and her mind. It is the first of many times she will lose sleep over this worry.

All the what ifs bang around in her head. "What if I can't keep those promises? What if? What if? What if? Am I going to be good enough? Can I really do this? How is this baby going to change me? Will I be able to adjust? Will I have the support I'm going to need? Am I going to have to do this on my own? Will I resent my baby? Will my baby resent me?"

And then there are days of no fear whatsoever. Rainbows and butterflies appear with tiny socks all in pastels. Love will conquer all and her heart tells her not to fear.

It is the beginning of their story together. A story that is based on her imaginations, desires, fears, and faith. The hope is that she will be loved back and appreciated, that she will have an esteemed place in this little one's life for eternity. Yes, that is the dream.

The pain, the pain, the pain. Oh my, God. It hurts. It comes and goes and comes back again and again until she hears the first sound of a cry from the tiny, dark pink wet and wrinkly bundle placed in her arms.

The smell. "I can't get enough of that smell. It is my baby. I am amazed and I can't take my eyes off of that precious face. I want to memorize every feature. Hello, little stranger. Who are you? I think I adore you!" Our journey has begun. Are you hungry? Do you have all your toes and fingers? It's okay if you don't because I will still love you, no matter what."

"Have I told you about all my favorite places to kiss you...between your neck and body is my favorite place, but those little toes...those tiny pearls are another. I love how you hold my hand with such a grip. Please always want to hold my hand, tiny baby!"

Your cries turn my world upside down in agony. "Are you hungry? Do you need changing? Are you sleepy? Oh, God! Are you in pain???"

You are sleeping now. I'm afraid to leave you alone. "Please don't stop breathing." No, I have to stay and watch you. I need to make sure.

I'm tired and sleepy. I need to clean up, myself and the house. I didn't know this was going to be so hard. I cry. My breasts start to leak. Will I ever be normal again? My belly is so flabby. Will the tone come back? What about these awful stretch marks? I cry again. And my bottom hurts. It's hard to sit. I don't dare cough or sneeze and to be quite frank, I'm dreading a bowel movement. What if I break the stitches? Could I bleed to death? No, the book says not. That's a relief."

The baby monitor will help me. If I let it. But look at that sweet face. Honestly, it's the prettiest thing I've ever seen. "I promise to do my best for you." I am totally in love! God, please help me to keep my promises...