Choice of Devotion

Everyone in the house has a quiet smile. In 4 months we'll have a sweet bundle of joy arriving and I'm beaming! A little anxious too just like any expecting mother, right? This is the biggest choice of trust in our relationship; see, Daniel had his daughter Paige with his grad-school sweetheart, she was 6 when we met. I already had my two sweet girls, Eliza and Joy, from the longest engagement ever known to man.

It was our 3rd anniversary of eloping when Daniel got that little twinkle in his eye while we were having Sunday breakfast at our favorite rustic tea shop. There was a toddler across from us making his muffin into crumb cake topping by hand and drool, the cutest thing to witness. We’d said we weren’t up for making babies ever again while we dated and stuck to it for five years, yay for us! But there we were, the images of a newborn's first smile and that fresh baby smell had entered our minds and brought us to a new load of conversations. Giving birth was off the table for me after Joy, I was a single mom, emotionally and psychologically drained yet, ready for newness at the same time. I felt that I'd be my best for my two girls and leave the rest for the universe to figure out.

We both agreed to bury the idea for a while but the thought was reawakened on a family trip to Turks and Caicos. We traveled with Daniel's brother and his wife. Roman and Chrissy had such a glow, it was their "babymoon" and Chrissy opened up to me on one of those beautiful nights out on the deck of the spacious beach house we lucked up on that Roman and Daniel had a pact prior to us meeting that they would have their children no more than a year apart. That idea was hilarious to me! We got in bed that night and looked at each other, we really weren’t the dark secret types. So he blurted out, “ I’ll support you in every and any way in my power. Ok?”

Me: Ok? I hear you. Trust I’m considering your wants. I’m just not where you are with this.

Two weeks after the trip, We'd laid out every option we were open to. What did we want?

Daniel: Are we serious?

Me (smiling halfway) gazing at him with my bedroom eyes...

The thought was still giving me anxiety but, I knew he was genuinely excited and ready, he just needed me to say my calm, warm "yes".

Daniel: Steph, you scared.

Me: I don't think I'm capable of going through with this, Babe.

Daniel: You think I'm gonna fail you and that's not who I am, you know this.

He was right. My past was bubbling up again, the distrust in other people, the fact that I simply felt done with pregnancy. I wasn't y putting my body through another trial, Joy was 7 and her birth was a roller-coaster. My labor went so fast I couldn't catch up mentally and was so scared to push even though I thought I'd done the spiritual and mental work during the pregnancy. Nothing went as expected and I really wanted to shut down after she was out. But, through her birth, I gained such a high sense of empowerment. The old me was dissolved that day, it boiled down to my power and not giving up. I made it through. Many therapy sessions later, I'd made peace with the experience.

A few days after my fear acknowledgement, I woke up to Toni Braxton's You Mean the World to Me playing from our bathroom speaker…

Me: Babe?

I knew he was supposed to be at a building site that day.

That song always put me in whimsical state of mind; the piano, the way Toni's voice flowed. I rose up, walked into the bathroom to find a massive bouquet of multiple blush hues of peonies, $1,000 cash in a nude envelope. Checked my texts...

" I'm taking the girls to school, my Mother's picking them up later...can I take you out tonight?"

I replied, "absolutely"

That night was phenomenal, Daniel picked me up at 7 just as the sun was setting. We went to the stables right outside of the city where the owners set up this beautiful gazebo surrounded by paper lanterns. Inside was a thick quilt topped with pillows and a beautiful array of chocolates, fresh strawberries, and croissants, my favorite! We sunk into one the huge plush pillows, I leaned into his arms feeling so sacred for those moments. He rocked me as the warm wind gently blew through the gazebo, we didn’t need to say a word. The wife of the couple that owned the stables walked over with a vase of Merlot and a two stemless wine glasses, chilled.

We sat there for 2 hours cracking jokes, gazing at each other, our hands interlaced when we weren’t feeding each other. We shamelessly pigged out and sipped glass after glass of the crisp Merlot, once the bottle was just about empty, the talk got real.

Daniel: Listen, I love you. That’s never going away. I’m here for you Baby. However you need, whatever you choose. I’m here.

I knew what I wanted… to give in. It wasn’t about “pleasing my partner”. I was up for it and willing. I didn’t want to just say yes though; I wanted us to renew our commitment and though it sounds silly, I needed to see the proof of loyalty constantly, It’s my love language. Whether a healthy need or not, it was and is a need. My love knew that at he was willing to show me countless times. For all the lack of devotion I’d experienced in life with from myself and others, I needed healing still. Daniel showed me the truth. We started fresh, 10 dates exactly. Ten romantic dates and countless acts of kindness, affection, and trust-building. Eight months later, here we are. In a new type of love and I don’t regret a thing.

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