Eastern Standard Time (EST) Taunts Arch Rivals Vows it Will Take On Any and All Time Zones “Any Time, Anywhere”

At a press conference in Las Vegas today heavyweight champion time zone of the world Eastern Standard Time (EST) taunted his arch rivals Central, Mountain, and Pacific Time Zones and challenged any and all comers to a winner take all title fight. EST boasted that “it was his time now” and that he would show the entire world that he is “the greatest of all time.” Continuing his tradition of using humor to frustrate and anger his would be opponents he bad mouthed each of his major North American contenders with a constant stream of insults. “Central time is so slow it takes him an extra hour to get out of bed in the morning, how can he even think of having a chance in the ring with the champ. I call time out on his weak ass.” As he spoke he performed his signature “time-out” gesture holding his stiffened right arm down to his side and slowly moving it back and forth like a pendulum. The crowd went bananas and erupted in a torrent of cheers for the champ. At that point EST ripped off his shirt and flexed revealing his chiseled physique and many women in the audience screamed and passed out. The champ kindly offered each woman on site his personal phone number saying "Call me any time and I will show you a good time each and every time."

He continued his unhinged ranting grabbing the podium as he spoke “and don’t even get me started on that punk ass Mountain Time, head for the mountains all right, for a weak turd. The only good thing about mountains is that they get so high, just like me, every Friday and Saturday night. Yessir that’s my party time, a case of Schlitz and a Cuban cigar.” Sweat poured off his brow, he raised his voice to nearly a scream and his powerful biceps rippled as he flexed and shouted “It is about time, I drop a dime on that slime, mountain time’s, behind, oh yeahhhh.”

He took a long, slow, deep breath and drew away from the podium, lowered his head for a moment as if in prayer, than quickly raised it and gazed into the audience like he was looking for someone. He put his hand above his eyes as if to shield them from a glare than pointed at something, someone, in the middle of the room. “I see you Pacific, nice of you to join us, only three hours late as usual. Did your mommy forget to set your alarm again. Probably she was too tired after spending the night at my place. We were up all night.” The crowd gasped audibly. From the press box it was impossible to see the reaction of the Mountain but later reports suggested he stood motionless, simply staring at the champ with an icy gaze. “Normally I wouldn’t give that ugly sow the time of day but she begged for just a few minutes of my time, my Eastern standard time and kept asking me what time it was. Of course when I told her it was converted from her usual Mountain to the Eastern Standard.” Again the crowd reacted audibly and hissing and scattered boos rained down. Suddenly Pacific bolted directly toward Eastie with a look of rage plastered across his face. He reached the stage and a very large melee ensued. Several injuries were reported among the spectators but none serious enough to warrant hospitilization. The time zones all emerged no worse for wear. As is their standard practice Eastern left the arena first, followed by Mountain exactly one hour later, and then Pac two hours after that.

A great time was had by all.