A LETTER TO MY AUNT: MOM'S YOUNGER SISTER

Dear pinni,

When I constantly and obsessively talked about mom, didn’t you think that something was wrong with me?

You used to get irritated but didn't you think that your niece could be mentally retarded?

Do you know what actually happened? My mentally ill anxious mother who constantly gets panic attacks permanently damaged me with her insecurities (fears). Yes, you can imagine me as a terrified rat that was threatened to be skinned alive by 5 different cats. The biggest of these 5 cats is the terrified little rat's own mother who directed the other 4 big cats towards her own daughter in hopes of 'raising a perfect child'. But that plan clearly backfired and the little rat is slowing finding its voice to tell its own horrifying story.

I didn't know that my mother is evil and cruel. I grew up with her. If I had grown up in a normal loving household, I would have been able to tell (as a third person) that my mom is a cruel person. But growing up with her from the time I was an infant fucked up my rationality. She never made a respectable adult conversation with me. She was constantly controlling my life by yelling at me at each and every opportunity she got. I am so traumatized. If you imagine one strand of my hair as my daily trauma (during childhood), the total trauma I have in my brain is my entire hair on my head. Having peter pen syndrome (because of her microscopic helicopter parenting) further contributed to my trauma with my passive-aggression (egoistic mentality). She was controlling my life to that level.

She used to constantly follow up on me with you whenever I try to stop talking to her. You used to guilt trip me into talking to her thinking that she LOVES me. That is not love. That is OBSESSION. She obsessively tortures the people she is living with to make herself feel better. She is so toxic. I was forced to keep living with her every time I wanted to run away (unable to withstand her torture). Nobody understood what I had been through because their mothers are so nice with them. They cannot understand my pain at all. Yes, they all grew up receiving love and in predictable habitat in their mother’s company. I received hate from the very person who is supposed to create safe environment. She was threatening my safety by constantly yelling at me. She constantly had unrealistic expectations from me. With every single person she comes across (even in the news paper), she compares them to me and demand why I am not exactly like them. She constantly makes me feel guilty for no fault of me. I am never good enough for her. She never let me grow and develop. My rational mind did not develop because of the magnitude of stress caused by trauma. So, I am an immature child trapped in an adult's body. I feel obligated to give details about my life to whomever I get close with. They would think that I am an immature pushy child but they wouldn’t know that it is the trauma that manifested from the torture of a pushy toxic helicopter microscopic mother.

Now that I am able to understand how my damage is done to me, I have some questions for you Pinni. Continue reading:

You being supportive to me in America is a blessing to me. I am slowing able to grow out of my mental retardation. Yes, I am not exaggerating by saying that. Every single person that met me thought that I am crazy or an immature child. My habitat became more stable in America because, for the first time in my life, nobody was yelling at me. It is like an unexpected dream come true. You got to remember that CHAOS is all want I know. I am the only child. Mom is a very toxic person. She constantly has unrealistic inhuman expectations from others and is constantly irritated with them (whoever she lives with). So, she was constantly hostile towards my dad. His ego (pride) was hurt when he got yelled at that he also yelled back at her (usually louder than her). In the process of being TOM AND JERRY, they didn’t realize that they were creating an unpredictable and unsafe environment for their only child. I developed BPD because of my trauma in my early childhood. My mother is that evil. She also used to take out her anger of my dad on me. She went as far as calling me “ugly” while comparing me to my dad because she is always miserable and needs some misery or the other to live any single day of her life. After dad left, she picked on me. She constantly belittled and bullied me by further threatening my inhabitable environment all through my life (including during adulthood).

Coming back to 'America', my brain stopped bleeding in America for the first time in 22 years. It didn’t yet start healing though. I tried to communicate my honest feelings with you Pinni. You did not care about my feelings. All you cared about was trying to force upon me that your sister was a good person. You didn’t want to think that my horror stories were as emotionally painful as I was describing them to you. If you had believed me, you would not have had peace of mind. For your peace of mind, you were trying to force upon me that I was over reacting. You were forcing upon me that my mother’s actions were justifiable. You were getting mad at me because all you cared about was your PEACE OF MIND.

Finally, here are the questions for you:

What have you accomplished in making me believe that my sadness is an OVERREACTION? You could never get me to talk to mom. You could never get me to love mom. You instead, added some more trauma to me. Your sin will haunt you till you die Pinni. This is unforgivable. You should not turn a blind eye to your FAMILY and hurt a poor innocent little girl who could never put her views forward all her life. Buying dresses, iPods, gifts, etc. is not the only love language. Listening and trying to empathize with your niece when she is desperately trying to find her much needed MOTHER’S LOVE in you is a MUCH MORE IMPORTANT love language. People feel guilty for silly reasons but don’t feel guilty when they are actually GUILTY. YOU TOTALLY KNOW WHAT I MEAN PINNI!!!