newest philosophy

For this blog, I will narrate my story and parallelly narrate philosophies. As I have been telling, mom likes to be in control (like psychopaths). She ended up yelling at me at the end of every conversation. She either demands ("why are you not exactly like Havisha?") OR sadistically belittles me (brushing off my honest answers inhumanly).

This tells me that those parents who yell (about one topic or multiple topics) feel insecure if their child could get the BETTER FUTURE like they want their child to have (similar to the neighbors' kids). Some parents see their child's limitations and do not push beyond a point. She parents don't give up at all. They have a hunch (doubt) if their child is paying attention completely. These parents either hire a tutor or try extra support. If their child still couldn't perform, they feel free to yell.

I didn't know how to stand it. Everybody wants peace of mind. You will be surprised at all the ways a person can destroy another person's peace of mind. For example: I was drinking water. She came running from the other room yelling "you are only drinking water. You are not studying". Yes, she cannot even make a normal conversations with me. It only gives her pleasure to be in control.

What will humans do when they are subjected to torture second-to-second? Like I said, everybody wants peace of mind. So, I did everything I could. For example: sweet talking, being pushy, demanding, begging, being rude (just like her), etc. You would think that I would turn out to be a sweet child. If you are being subjected to inhuman torture by the person who is supposed to nurture you, how will you learn to be polite?

This tells me that humans evolve their personalities (pushy, polite, quite, controlling, etc.) based on the way they deal with their parents. For example: if they got a teddy bear by being pushy, they are likely going to become pushy individuals (because they know that 'being pushy' gets them their happiness).

I was pretty much jailed with books. She didn't have any boundaries with me. She didn't let me have the pleasures (playing, movies, parties) that people of my age wanted. Irrespective of sacrificing my life, she always was insecure about my grades. Whatever grades I got, she either said "the watchman's daughter also got the same grades as you" OR manipulatively gaslight me (inhumanly take out her other insecurities on me) by saying "you are arrogant. Your grades are dropping but you won't talk to your stepfather". She was never satisfied with what she had. She makes decisions for my life and gets very upset when they fall through. In her fucked up head, she saw happiness as 'getting great jobs', 'being richer than others', 'bad things happening to others', 'gossip badly about others', etc. In other words: COMPARE, COMPARE, COMPARE.

How is a poor child going to handle this restless irritation? I was craving happiness. I was finding it in food, company (friendship/relationship), etc. For a regular person, 'eating food' is the same as 'listening to music'. For a traumatized person (who craves peace), eating food gives them the much needed break (from dark racing thoughts) that they crave. I constantly had the urge to do whatever made me happy. I am impulsive.

Mom thought that she had to yell at me to make me a better person. This tells me that some parents think exactly like mom. They yell for no reason. They justify their actions perfectly in their fucked up heads. Do you know what yelling (unnecessarily) does to the kids? While it certainly helps them to become patient people (by helping them control their urges), these kids always self-doubt if they are RIGHT.

She also yelled at me at such magnitude that is considered evil. A lot of kids don't shout back at their mom. I was bearing her for 16 years when I finally mustered the strength to slap her. But I was living in flight-or-fight mode (like PTSD military soldiers) all my life. Just because I mustered the strength to slap her, didn't mean that my life changed completely. Immediately, I was begging her (that I was doing for the last 16 years), fell at her feet, fell at grandma's feet, begged grandfather who pushed me to a wall, begged grandmother who pinned me to the couch, etc. I can only be strong momentarily. My tiny little heart is terrorized (from childhood) to the extent that it immediately begs for my safety.

When a teacher wants to hit a child in school, the child takes the beating. When my teacher called me (he didn't understand that I couldn't hold my impulses) to hit me, I was begging him till the last minute. I should have instead bravely taken the beating (which almost every other child does). Yes, you have BPD, nobody understands what it does to your brain, but you are judged and punished. You don't want to be punished as they remind you of your mom's inhuman treatment that you craved to avoid. So, you treat them the same way you treat your mom and beg them. I am stuck in this cycle.

My dad was forcing me to stay with mom when I was complaining about my mom. It seems I also used a bad word against her. So, it was 'tit for tat' and that I should stay with her. She cleverly words her sentences when people are around. She had crocodile tears. She told "I am talking to my sister to get her into an internship in America". He caught on with it and forced me (by cross talking in attempt to shut me up). She then said "I go to work and come back, I am not home for most of the day". It is impossible to live with her even if she stays with you for an hour. Dad knows this very well. Still, he took her side with every sentence she spoke. When I questioned him why he divorced her, he told that it was because of my step father. He was a liar. He was very unhappy with her. It didn't make sense for a lot of years why your own father purposefully wanted to push you under the bus. Now that I am rethinking, I conclude that everybody prioritizes something over the other for their peace of mind. Dad would not get his peace of mind if I ran away. He doesn't know how to convince a 'spoilt' daughter. So, he kept trying to push the blame at me, judge me as a 'bad' person, use 'tit for tat' logic, talk nonsense (ex: 'because of stepfather'), etc. In that madness (of peace of mind), he forgot to be a father: THE PROTECTOR OF HIS CHILD.

A lot of people use this approach. My relatives did the same thing. They were telling stupid (trivial and non serious) stories about their mothers. This tells me that people say things that they think are expected from them. They don't want to go against the tide and LISTEN to the other person if they already have some knowledge about the traumatizer. Sometimes, they don't even have to know the traumatizer personally. My dad's colleague Rajashekhar told him "How can anyone not want to stay with their mother? Your daughter is a spoilt brat". Rajashekhar had no idea that mom was a psychopath. He used his knowledge from his upbringing to say useless things. Rajashekher's words changed dad's thought process. When he heard such things, he got some relief. It was like a reassurance for him (till then, he doubted if he should force me to stay with mom). With the extra boost, dad felt more confident to blame me. He further gaslighted "you are not matured. You should stay with mom". I WILL NEVER FORGIVE MY DAD.

This is pretty much my life. I was tortured by my own mother. Nobody believed me. Dad broke my heart. I then lost my mind. I purposefully said things that would make the other person yell at me (isn't that the only life I knew). I am excessively reassurance seeking because of her constant faulting of me. I can't be practical with people to get my things done. All I know is being pushy OR beg (comfort zone behaviors). Because my body put me in a bubble (to resist the magnitude of trauma), keeping to myself is my comfort zone. I don't even talk in a social setting. I am very unapproachable. I was finding my joy in being comparative (because of mom). I had this need to show-off about myself (after comparison) as my way of being friendly with others. In short, it is as difficult to bear me as it is to bear mom. But loneliness bothers me too. Because I constantly have dark racing thoughts, I cling to people. Their attention on me gives me a break from my dark thoughts. I find a lot of joy in their company. But they don't like me because I am exactly like my mom.

Mom constantly had unreasonable expectations on me. This tells me that everybody expects the other person to do things for them (reasonable or unreasonable). Everybody wants to be in control. They already picturize in their head (in advance) that the other person did THAT THING that is so important for them. If they don't do as imagined, they become angry (expectations lead to disappointment/anger). Likewise, when you love a person, you just want to do things for them. You imagine doing those things and seeing the reaction in your loved one's face. You dream of it.

Some parents punish their children just because their neighbors' kids were punished. Several parents refuse to believe that their children are the most perfect kids BUT at the back of their head, they also think that their child is perfect. So, to balance the constant battle, sometimes, they hit their kids. What will happen when your mother constantly has this battle? I found a lot of joy in temporary relief (break) because mom was a permanent non-stop toxic irritating monster. I craved for food, craved for friend, craved for boyfriend, etc. I had to constantly defend myself for self-approval because I always felt I did nothing right. I don't wish this life upon anyone.

When making a conversation, the intelligent ones think about what the other person might want, try helping them with that, receive 'love' from them, create this invisible need for the other person to help them, AND then get what they need from this person. The 'dumb' ones are those who don't question their foundations and blindly follow them. These are the ones who find approval in how others view them. Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that the dumb ones have trauma. I am just saying that the dumb ones don't question the foundations and refuse to grow up. For example: the brothers who kill their sisters in honor killings, the ones who always pay restaurant bills, etc. These people are constantly in panic mode. Their self image is so important for them. They do anything for it. Killing someone just because they married someone from a different caste is a horrible crime in my eyes.

When you encountered a person who is funny (makes others smile), we would see that repeat behavior in whichever setting he was in. For example: home, office, museum etc. Likely, during childhood, people gave him a lot of attention (smiling directly at you is giving attention). He loved that attention. So, he continued it through life. Peoples' character doesn't change just like that. It has its roots sowed deeply during their childhood.

When two people quarrel and try to get back, the one who wants to get back the most will be the person who loves the other person more. These people indicate their feeling through face expressions, body language, etc. It will be very clear from their face expressions that they are trying to resolve the conflict and talk to you. It is impossible (if one of them loves the other person) to not talk to each other forever. If one of them wants to get back, 100% of the time, they will at least end up talking (if not be back in a relationship).

We live by setting rules. Some of them are 'long term rules', some of them are 'short term rules'. Short term rules include waking up at 4 am, studying math, take a shower, etc. Short term goals actively run at the back of your head. Long term goals include getting a job in ABC company, becoming a dad, going to Italy, etc. They passively run at the back of our head. We sacrifice our lives by making short term goals while dreaming about long term goals. Sometimes, it is the best to reach satisfaction. If you make 80,000, don't rush to make 160,000. You are not realizing that you are becoming old (and dying one day) by keeping yourself too busy with your thoughts (not your actions).

Mom had such great insecurities that she told ten times in a span of 2 minutes that I might be late to college. It was so irritating. Even if she had everything she wanted, you can clearly see why she was miserable, right? She had a hunch that something bad might happen and that she was the one responsible to prevent it. When you always have a hunch (self-doubt) if your path is 'right', you will always be miserable as you keep blaming on the road not taken.