Why Are Boys Forced to Toughen Up?

What is this? Why do boys need to man up and be tough? Nobody likes a sensitive male? Not manly enough? This is what’s wrong with much of our society; man after man has been told that boys don’t cry and to man up. We have angry men. We have testosterone-filled men that are scared and sad and they aren’t given permission to feel either of those things.

Generation after generation of men have buried their softer feelings. Generations of men who were not allowed to show their true colors, boys who are now men that don’t know how to stop and feel. They are afraid they will look weak. They are afraid to cry but look at our suicide rates and our domestic violence rates. Look at all of these men in anger management because they could no longer control their rage.

Women are the sensitive and dainty ones? I’ve heard men are actually the sensitive ones and that women are more like cats, giving less of a shit about people, and with 2 sons and a husband I believe it. When a man is given permission to feel his feelings a great pressure is lifted.

I recently spoke to one of my son’s basketball coaches about how much he yells. I felt like he could have a calmer demeanor and work to lift the kids up versus making them feel small through intimidation. It seemed valid in my mind. These kids are small and for my son who’s rarely heard anyone raise their voice it is intimidating and he feels nervous about being reprimanded for making an error during a game. I brought this to the attention of the coaches and was told basically that he needs to toughen up and that he is lucky to be on the team (gaslighting anyone?)

I see now how organized sports were supposed to be fun at first, but then something shifted and we didn’t get the memo. Now sports (6th grade, mind you) are competitive and you have to fight to win. Yelling is part of it. The more he gets yelled at the more potential he has (yes, this is what I heard.)

I don’t play into this narrative. I don’t need my son to be yelled at to prove his worth on the basketball court and I don’t need to see him in tears after a game feeling like his coach was unhappy with his gameplay.

I call bullshit on all of it. He said as the kids grow it gets more competitive and the coaches yell even more and he encouraged me to watch a college basketball game to see how much worse it will get.

These kids are under so much pressure at school and then there’s Covid and masks. Can we catch a break?

I see now why kids defer to drugs and skateboarding after being ridiculed by coaches that get their jollies off of intimidating their players.

Men, we must find a safe place where we can be vulnerable. We must change the narrative that men don’t cry and have zero emotion. Men, please speak up. Find a therapist to share with. It is not weak-it is the opposite of weak. It takes strength to speak up and be vulnerable. It takes strength to share emotions. We don’t expect you to bottle it all up. We know you are human and the pressure is great. You are loved. You are cared for, please take care of yourselves.

If you are a man and reading this, please release your jaw. Take a deep breath. Put your hand over your heart and give yourself permission to feel. Take a warm bath. Let your guard down. We are sorry for what we have expected from you. We are sorry that we treat you like Paul Bunyan or some other make-believe character that is robotic in their mannerisms. We know you have feelings. We are sorry you have not been allowed to express them. We want to create a safe place for you to feel and be heard. We need to teach our little boys that we all get sad sometimes. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to show when you are hurt.

Men, it may be your job to raise up this next generation of boys. Can you show them your soft side? Can you show them what it means to feel? You are not sissies or soft for having emotions. You are tough as nails for allowing them to show through your manly exterior. Thank you on behalf of all future women everywhere. We need men that can show up emotionally. We need men who know how to feel. We need this for our evolution as a species. Our boys need to see men that aren't all too tough to care.

Vulnerability is not weak. Showing our true selves is the only way to find peace and contentment.

How many men go sit on a barstool after work to "watch the game" or go out hunting with the guys? Not all men like to do those things. I'm thankful to the men who can tear up during a sad commercial or message at church and to the men who can share feelings with their loved ones. Many times men have had to mask their emotions to the point where they don't even know what it is to feel so going out with the guys is all they can do.

Show me the men who write poetry and can laugh at their mistakes. Show me the men who can let their guard down and be funny and loving. If it's difficult to let your guard down it's because of the conditioning, but you can break this cycle. You can be the change we need to see in the up and coming generations. You can show boys that it is okay to cry and show sensitivity. It's okay to feel and be vulnerable. You no longer need to man up and stuff those emotions. You are safe now.