I Had Never Left Washington State.

I had have never left Washington state

Until I hit 16 and found myself pregnant

I had a high school boyfriend with whom I was very much in love. We were 16 and both rebels. We liked to smoke, drink and do drugs. We had intense chemistry and when we met that day in study hall and then later again and again in in-school suspension we knew we were a match made in heaven.

We had come from crazy upbringings and his mom had recently moved to Utah to start a new life while he stayed here in Washington with his dad and step-mom. I think they thought maybe his dad could straighten him out, but looking back I think he was too far gone.

We both were seeking something outside of ourselves to feel complete and the late nights we spent making out in the back of my car and going into the local market for some lotion so I could jerk him off made us both feel loved. Infatuated with one another. Many nights we would find random parking lots to sleep after our sessions and wake to find a policeman's flashlight shining in the window.

Oftentimes on the weekends I would need to go to work so he would just wait for me in my car during my shift. We were inseparable.

Sometimes we would rent a hotel and really live it up at the local Motel 6 where someone 18 would sign for us.

Neither of us had a true home and so we shuffled around our friends’ places, making love in bathtubs at parties, closets, and even other friends’ beds.

One night we ended up at a park late at night. It was the 4th of July. We had been drinking and one thing led to another on a park bench. I had no reservations when I was with him. Our souls literally intertwined. He was leaving to go back to Utah to live with his mom and I believe this was our last night.

A month or so later I was at an exercise class at the gym I worked at and felt extremely nauseous. I ran to the bathroom to throw up. When I came back out the older ladies (I was 16) laughed and said, “maybe you are pregnant.”

This wasn’t funny to me. I was pale and my stomach sank. I had an appointment after this class to go get my senior picture taken. That picture will always be a reminder of that day.

I had never left Washington State but had already purchased a ticket to go see him on my 17th birthday on August 11th.

After my photo that day I went straight to a girlfriend’s house and we jumped in her car to go get a pregnancy test. This wasn’t new to us. We stole them all of the time. One of us always thought we were pregnant and sometimes we were. My test was positive. We went out to her garage and she lead me in an exercise class. She worked at the same gym as I and was working on getting her aerobic teacher certification. Seemed like a natural thing to do.

I never said anything to my mom when I saw her, but she figured it out after a couple more weeks. I’d been getting sick and feeling so tired. She borrowed money from my grandma and we made the abortion appointment for 8/24. I had to be 7 weeks along.

I was extremely nervous and excited on 8/11 to jump on a plane for the first time to see the love of my life. I was still feeling rough but looked forward to seeing him and meeting his family.

He had an older brother that had special needs and a younger stepbrother. When he picked me up at the airport in his Turquoise Chevy Truck it was like we had never been apart.

I arrived at his mom’s townhouse to see that they had decorated for my birthday. They had gotten me gifts and we would have a special dinner that I could hardly keep down.

They had made plans for us for the week to go to an amusement park and water slides. We were also planning to talk about if I would change my mind and keep this baby.

As I thought about going on the roller coaster and saw the warning for pregnant mothers I wavered, but still went on the ride.

He really wanted me to keep this baby.

My mom was basically forcing me to abort it as we could hardly afford to live on our own. There was no way we could afford a child. My drinking and drug use were out of control and that worried me. I wanted to graduate high school and most of my friends had already had abortions so it seemed like the route to take.

His mom took me to lunch at Red Robin where we weighed the options. She told me she would support me either way and that she had an abortion when she was younger. She understood the position I was in and loved us so much. She really just wanted us to be happy and healthy.

When we got back my boyfriend was super upset that I wasn’t changing my mind. He really wanted to persuade me into moving there with his family and having this baby. I couldn’t wrap my head around how it would work and not be just like my own childhood with drugs, alcohol, fighting, and dysfunction. I knew I needed to get up and out of that life.

He drove me up the mountains in his truck and I started to realize he had anger building. I tried to lighten the mood thinking maybe he was taking me up to the mountains to threaten me and our unborn child. His anger was at a boiling point, he felt powerless over having no say in this decision. I knew my decision was made and it was hard to see him hurting so badly. I had grown up in dysfunction and needed my child's life to be different. I could see how having a child as a teen and not finishing high school would set me up at a deeper deficit than I already was fighting against.

I felt afraid for the first time around him. Later in our relationship after my abortion I felt afraid around him all of the time. He never could let it go and I don’t blame him. His resentment continued to fester and he went from treatment centers to jails and back until his suicide at 28.

I recently went through letters we had written to one another. This was after I was sober, married and had my first child. He was incarcerated. I was used to writing letters as I also had a father who had lived most of my life in prison.

In the letters I had asked for forgiveness. I was in a recovery program and I knew I needed to make amends to people I had hurt in my life. I had been selfish and inconsiderate of many and although this decision seemed to be the right one for me at the time, it was not the right one for him, and that made it difficult.

Every time I flew back to Utah over my senior year to visit him, he had dug himself deeper and deeper into a meth addiction. He left me at his mother's house after picking me up at the airport and left me there alone for a couple of days as his parents were traveling. When I was hungry and found some snacks in his closet he came home and fought me for eating his snacks. He was so strung out and his eyes were wild and crazy.

I had to get my flight changed to go home early and as his mom took me to the airport she just sobbed. She was so sorry for her son and his behavior, but if we have ever been involved in addiction we know how painful it can be for those around us. We don’t see how our tornadoish ways affect the people in our wake.

I still saw him a few other times when he was in Washington visiting periodically. On his last trip, he wanted to drop acid together. I refused and so he still did it. He was acting like a child in a restaurant at lunch and laughing and seeing things that I couldn't see. He was saying random things and people were staring. We went to a park so he could “trip,” but I realized our lives were going in two different directions. We ended up falling asleep together on his sister's apartment floor and that was our last visit.

I tried to still love him, but he was hurt and hurting.

The letters he wrote years later were eloquent and kind. He had matured, but could not forgive me. I even sent him a photo of my little boy. He asked for one, but in retrospect that probably wasn’t the best idea. Seeing my son made him think of the child he desperately wanted but never had. I told him about my marriage and how it was so mature and healthy, how glad I was we didn’t follow through with having that child as I could see we weren't ready to be parents. I told him I didn’t want our child to have to deal with us struggling financially and having to deal with us as meth addicts and alcoholics.

And that hurt him. I had reached out to see if he wanted to grab a coffee sometime when he was back living in WA. and he just went off. He wasn’t okay, still.

When I learned that he had killed himself it was shocking, but I also know what a lack of forgiveness and resentment can do to addicts. I’ve lived it and watched my family pass away from living that dark toxic life.

It’s been 28 years since I had that abortion, but the effect it had on me still sticks. I grieve the loss of that child and the loss of my first true love.