Why am I This Way?

Have you ever felt like you were doing everything right and it's still not enough? I exercise, I eat right (for the most part), I have jobs, I read, I write, I have a few friends, I'm in a healthy romantic relationship, I'm trying to get into school... Why am I still unfulfilled? Why does my anxiety tell me I have to be doing something at all times to be productive but, my depression tells me that life isn't worth living and to just lay in bed all day? I can't be the only person that feels like this. Right?

I went to the chiropractor yesterday to get my back adjusted because I have been working practically non-stop for about a month now. I've known this person for most of my life and they even housed me for a while when I was going through a rough patch with my ex. They asked how I was doing. I said I was great, that everything was going really well so far with my dancing and my jobs- They stopped me and said "jobS? Plural? Are you leaving enough time for yourself in between everything else?"

Without thinking, I just said yes. If we're being honest, part of it is being a 20 something in America right now pretty much requires you to have at least 2 jobs and a roommate or 3 in order to support yourself. I don't have time for me, that is a ridiculous thing to ask. Then I went to work, came home and wallowed in bed in self-pity wishing I was a more interesting person and that my life looked different. I wondered if I was really giving enough time for myself.

The more I thought, the more I realized I just don't want to give myself enough time to be in my own head because I go into self-deprecation mode. I don't want to give myself enough down time for my thoughts to take over and have a panic attack and I sure as hell don't want to confront the physical issues I am having right now.

Then I thought some more... I know so many people that do this. Whether they keep themselves busy with jobs, constantly have their phone in their face while mindlessly scrolling through Tik Tok, playing video games, writing a blog/journal on the internet that no one will probably ever see, or doing more reckless and illegal activities, maybe even all of the above. I think we do it because we're lonely. We each think that what we are going through is an original experience when in reality, there is at least one person on this forsaken plane of existence that knows exactly what you are going through.

I'm hoping I can be that someone for somebody else and vice versa. Life is tough and we shouldn't have to wander aimlessly alone. Let's talk about the real shit. Lets talk about life and heartache and pain. I want to talk about the trauma and taboo.

If you're anything like me, just going through the motions, hoping that one day life will just feel better but it never does, then hi. My name is Kaitlyn. Lets wander aimlessly together. I am reaching out to you.

My ultimate goal is to create a community where everyone can feel heard and seen. Sometimes its nice to have your feelings and experiences validated by another human. I'm not talking about the "my life is harder than yours and here's why" people. I'm talking about the "even if I don't know exactly what you're going through, I can relate to how you feel" people.