Becoming the Kindness

"I saw that the world was unkind

So I became the kindness I didn't see in the world"

...

They called me brave today

They said what I did was admirable

I just don't agree

I called it human decency...

I saw a kid at work the other day

She was crying and scared.

I thought

"This poor girl just doesn't like doctors..."

But then I looked at the mother

She was so annoyed

Seemed too bothered to be here for her little girl

"I can't believe that we have to be here again" she said

I sat and thought to myself

"Something just isn't right"

My gut was screaming at me but I ignored the signs

But when they took her back to check her out she began to plea

"PLEASE HELP ME! THEY'RE GOING TO KILL ME!"

The doctors turned away

The nurses stood without emotion

We closed the doors so people coming in wouldn't hear the commotion

She cried and begged and screamed

It rattled the walls

I knew those calls

Those were screams of desperation

But...

No one seemed to be alarmed

No one budged when mom said

"I'll fucking hold you down if I have to!"

Alarm bells were ringing and flashing but no one could see or hear them

Why was I the only one panicking?

Am I crazy?

Am I projecting?

Then this child went running out of the building

Out into the dark parking lot

Away from her mother

Away from her terror

It wasn't until she was dragged back in the doors that I truly felt I saw her

Suddenly, I was her age again

Suddenly, I was begging for help

I cried and pleaded and begged

Something was wrong

I just didn't know what

Why could no one see me?

I didn't know what was wrong...

I just knew that something felt wrong...

Her screams were my screams

When I was begging my mother not to take me to that fucking house

"That man in there looks at me funny.." I'd say

"You're just overreacting."

Then she'd look the other way

"My sitter's boyfriend touched me and it didn't feel right."

"Quit telling stories." she'd tell me

I wasn't afraid of the dark because my demons hid in plain sight

She never even noticed when it was her own boyfriend abusing me

Didn't bat an eye when I stopped eating

Or speaking

Or smiling

Or breathing

Or opening my skin up

to use my blood as makeup

No one ever noticed that I was not myself

"She's just an angsty teen."

"She's just dramatic."

"Nevermind the fact that you can't touch her wrists or she'll scream."

It wasn't until I turned 16 that I understood just what was wrong with me

I understood what had happened TO me

And what happened when I told her?

She thought I was a liar

Attention seeking

She wouldn't even fucking look at me

So, I took myself to therapy

I remember asking my therapist "why?"

"Why did no one look long at me long enough to see that something was wrong?"

"Why did I have to do this alone?"

"Why am I in so much pain?"

She just said "Strength is a burden that is hard to bare."

It was then that I knew what I wanted to do

If just one person had seen me...

Truly saw me

Heard me

Acknowledged the signs

Maybe... Just maybe

I wouldn't be dealing with this PTSD

I wouldn't be so scared to look in the mirror

I wouldn't hate myself as much

I wouldn't feel as deeply as I do...

What if I can make a difference?

What if I can save this little girl's life?

What if I can change one thing for the better?

What if this girl needs help but doesn't know how to ask?

What would you do?

When I reported the incident,

I was in tears

"What if I'm wrong?"

"What if this is a mistake?"

My boss looked at me and said,

"But what if you're right?

Better to be wrong and safe than correct and in danger."

He was right... right?

No one else said anything

No one else knew the signs

But, I'd lived them

I'd breathed the fear

I'd known that feeling of being alone in a crowded room

What if I can be this kindness that I was not given?

What if I can be the reason someone SEES this child?

What if I can be that first step to safety?

For her...

Does that make me brave?

That's what they've been saying

But I truly don't think so

It's basic human decency

It's the right thing to do

If the world around you is unkind

Why not just become the kindness that you want to see

What if you could be the reason someone is safe today?

What if...

What if the world was a better place became we all took one more second to truly see someone?

What if we become the kindness?

What would you do?