Where The Heart Is

They say that pain is apart of life. I have felt the emotional pain of being in the house where my pain originally started. Now the diaries that I found have been filed in the garbage dump that feels good. The last diary I had left I called it my Oppression Diary I put that in the garbage. It felt great. I feel like there is nothing left for me in my country. Because the only person before I married who believed in me died. Now I am ready to leave my country to go back home to Saint Lucia. Home. That feels good to say.

I figured out something throughout all of this I miss my husband. I want to open my husband in Saint Lucia, I want to be a co-owner to his business as a baker. We will work together with our friend take our time build our future. I figured out a long time ago, Saint Lucia is our home. We will work together to file for his visa file in Saint Lucia. Because my home is there not here in Medina.

My friends, and family is there at home. My life is in Saint Lucia.

When I am home no matter how stressed I am I have my husband who grounds me, he is my rock.

We had a plan because of my treatment for bipolar we would both move together to America. But don't want that anymore. I want to be home in Saint Lucia.

So after sharing how I feel and telling the one person everything my aunt she wants me to be happy not unhappy.

We came to a conclusion while the filing while everything goes through we will work together until then. We will plan our travels to Miami and I will pay extra for my refills so I only have to back to doc once a year. But this time next year will be when I need to see my doctor. Perhaps then my husband will have his green card we will stay at a hotel few days and go home.

We will look to us buying land in Saint Lucia be the primary buyer so I can get quicker citizenship.

To survive my difficulties of my pain of being away from home. I will be strong, I will clean up our former would be apartment leave the money behind in class for mom. And leave never looking back. I learned a long time ago that my birth family died. Figuring out the truth, the lies, it's the hardest thing in the world. But I have faced it.

The thing is my husband's parents never kicked us out even though we can be pains in the butt. The never would kick us out.

I learned from my aunt don't lie to your husband always be honest. Even though it's not easy. It's never been easy for me to open up since I was little. The question I need to ask myself, Can I trust my husband with my heart and with my feelings? Fuck yeah I can.

I have been staying up tonight, on the 14th, December, 2022 contemplating everything that's happened recently. It's been really opening my eyes as to who I should trust. I made a mistake in shutting out the only people who treated me right and opened up to the wrong people went through heartache, disappointment, and sadness.

The thing is the last few months of recent, I remember at home I came to the point I never thought of the "family" I left when I came home. I never once thought of them.

I gave a chance and learned something I wish I knew what I got here.

Now when I finally released this blog entry it won't be until I am home in Saint Lucia.

I want to add to it.

This song dropped on YouTube I downloaded it, it feels like the singer wrote this song for me.

When you are at a place you don't feel loved you feel lonely and more alone. The root cause of my pain I feel like I delt with it now I'm just ready to go home. That's why this song is so powerful for me.

"My heart is like winter full of rage." I feel like I was angry in my past for all just feeling.

While listening to this song I envision myself picking up my bags and leaving this place behind never look back.

"It's okay to cry out when you are going insane." It's okay to cry out when I'm going through this pain. That's how this line is so deep for me.

"I'm gazing upward a world I can't embrace." Hearing this opening line I thought of how I wanted to see the best here wondering if I did the right thing coming back.

"Only thorns and splinters venom in my veins." The past anger I felt, the jealousy I felt. I wasn't missing anything, I miss my family in Saint Lucia and just want to go home.

When I made my mind up to go home just waiting for the finaces to come together. Once that's over, I am going home. At least now I can take my possessions home and my favourite novel home.

I don't feel like an American anymore I don't like the food here anymore. I just want to eat the food I love in Saint Lucia.

Now I have a choice, and I am happy I don't have to here. I can build my business in Saint Lucia it may take longer to build but I can do that. It beats being somewhere where I lost so much.

I thought in Medina, Ohio if I came back it would be easier instead the stress is endless. I don't have my husband right here with me to be honest I don't blame him for not wanting to come to America. The hate, the sadness, the humiliation I endured when I lost a person I thought was my friend of fifteen years humiliated me. And I walked away from all that. Now after learning the cruel truth that nothing has changed here.

So as I listening to this song on a loop writing this entry I bare my soul in my writing. Five Finger Death Punch "Cold" dropped at the right time. And I can relate so much right now to this song.

The many lessons I've learned I've gotta say this moment right now nothing about this this place will change even twenty years from now.

I was in on the business with my husband recording how quick the bus was driving. Happy that I got to share this with everyone. I feel lost right now without seeing my nephew every morning, or waking by my husbands side. That's when you know the place you thought you could build as a home isn't your home. And the place you left is the true place you belong.

I'm never coming back to Ohio only once a year for a doctors appointment. I've decided when I have children they will go to school in Saint Lucia. I will release this post at Cleveland Hopkins International Airport when I make it through TSA waiting for my flight.

On the 15th, December, 2022

Truth is a powerful thing, when you then the preverbal grass being cut to reveal the snakes hidden inside. What do we do when there are snakes there? We kill them or add a repellent so they can't end up there ever again.

Makes things so difficult for me lately. Unnecessary bullshit and craziness here. Sometimes I wish I would have just stayed in Saint Lucia like everyone told me to do. But no I had to get my medicine when I could have just gone to Miami. Why did I have to come back fucking Ohio. What's the point of the sadness? My anger is so raw right now in this moment.

On 18th, December, 2022

Writing this entry it's hard to imagine vocal publishing it. Ohio has did me no favours. It's sad to even write this, I feel like a foreigner in the place I was born. The only place I feel like I belong is home in Saint Lucia. I miss my husband, family, my friends, going out without freezing my butt off.

As my Momma (who I call my mother in-law) would say you've been in the Lucia for far to long coco. I am so excited to see my cutie nephew Zac at least he never tells me to "shooo shoo" to me and can barely look at me.

Later this morning, I made a decision to release this early to put my feelings on here. But not to post it on my socials until I have arrived at Cleveland Hopkins airport.

In conclusion, it's never to come back to where your pain begun only to learn more pain has happened.