What Happened?

2020 was a hard year for everyone. The coronavirus wreaked havoc on the entire world, not only taking millions of lives, but also causing political unrest, disabilities, and mental illnesses throughout the globe.

I dealt with a lot of my own problems in the midst of the pandemic and practically dug my own grave with negative coping mechanisms. Some of the issues I had been dealing with included being sexually assaulted (which the police and title nine did not handle with any grace), overuse of alcohol and other substances, drama with other students, and the realization that I was not a cis woman. I was so stressed out from dealing with all these issues on top of surviving a pandemic, that I had an almost complete break from reality and dropped out of school.

I regret dropping out of school, even after almost three years of working and being on my own, signing leases, traveling, and “adulting.” I thought distancing myself from the school where multiple traumatic things happened to me and where I chased all my bad habits – blacking out on Pink Whitney or dropping acid with strangers - would miraculously cure all the anxiety I had developed surrounding my trauma. To no one’s surprise, it didn’t. That is why I’m going back to school, for the third time, and really, seriously, trying to finish my degree.

I learned so much from dropping out– even though I very, heavily regret it – including how to sign a lease, how to budget for myself, what types of people I should and should not surround myself with, and more.

I traveled across the country to places like Colorado, California, Oregon, Arizona, and Washington. I met people from all walks of life, including celebrities, professors, doctors, ex-conns, drug dealers, students, construction workers, recovering addicts, sex workers, parents, actors, professionals, and more. Each person I met taught me how to see the world from a different perspective than my own. Each person I met had a story that made me feel less alone.

I medically transitioned after years of putting it off and learned so much about myself and the world throughout the process. I went to therapy and started working on my character flaws. I went to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and realized I prefer harm reduction over complete and total abstinence. I cried, screamed, argued, laughed, and took some deep breaths. I put myself in beautiful situations and I put myself in dangerous situations.

I’m going back to the same school that severely mishandled my sexual assault case, almost three years after the first time I dropped out. I’m finishing out the same degree that I started, the same degree that I backed out on, twice. I do regret dropping out, but I don’t regret the experiences I had along the way. In a way, being on my own and not affiliated with any school helped me confront my personal issues and flaws and work on myself. Dropping out both healed and hurt me. I really think I did what I’d had to do for my own mental and spiritual health at that point, but that point is over now. It’s time for me to move on and welcome new experiences.