Unquenched Gasp

I finally mustered the courage to get up and be productive.

The first time I tried to participate in a challenge, it did not end well to begin.

As I try to write, I get flashbacks of what reality is.

I see how others are ravaging with smiles and joys as they write.

"But girl why are you here", "You never experienced a mother's joy", "When was the last time

you saw your mom", "These emotions are not for you".

These are the questions that fill my head every year on mother's day.

Yes, I am not oblivious to it, I know I am not like everyone else.

But, just once in my life if only I can feel the joy of having a Mother.

Life wasn't easy on my path, whilst others felt the warm embrace of a gem.

I am subjected to hearing the cries of a narcissist.

I have not seen my mother in over two years and I plan to keep it that way.

But, if ever I am to encounter sorrow again I will like to say,

"I never blamed you for being a child nor did I ever foretold of our paths separate.

Some did their best, you only saw your benefit. I never blamed you for the bruises, I liked the dark you put me into.

You could have been a great mother but your ego pushed away your loved ones.

I didn't care if you loved luxury more than your children, you could have just left us alone. Your absences didn't bother me, sometimes all a kid wants is love, not money.

My bodily scars have healed, at least thank you for treating me. I tried my best to love you, but it never worked as usual.

My presence alone draws my spirit away in anxiety, I was never the same after all the beatings.

Your food was good, yes your clothing was nice, but that was never enough to buy my dignity.

Your selfishness and lies killed a soul, your uncaring heart weakened and troubled many.

Our relationship was always brought into question, your threats played their path well.

You used me for gain, I was no better than a housemaid.

If compared to Cinderella's stepmother would be a saint, you broke your own house by your selfish gains and greed"

I have to forgive you because you were my mother.

I have to obey and endure because my mother is always right to the world.

I have to sacrifice for my happiness.

I had to!!! I just had to!!!!

I always wonder in my head

Every day I concede on this question

Was there an instance?

Or even was there a moment that you considered that I was your child?

I saw my friends with their parents

The many smiles on their faces

My eagerness to know how much a parent's face could bring joy to them

The safeness of a mother's hug

The calmness of her voice

The love in her eyes

Knowing well in myself that it is a joy I shall never share

Even at my adult age I still wonder if things were different

Would I have grown to be more responsible

Maybe I would have been bold to face all my problems

My younger self wished for love

She hoped and trusted that one day it should arrive

Her innocence was her downfall

Committed not by a stranger

But by someone, she thought she could trust

My memories of a mother fade away every day

It sinks faster than the bottomless pit

A strength awakens in me when I am down

Knowing well that the past can not repeat itself again

Somehow in life and against all odds

My past has taught me a valuable lesson

I have come to learn the importance of family

I may not have a family now

But one day I may experience the joy of a daughter's laughter

Or the cheers of a troublemaking son

The love of a husband and the first hugs of a baby

They shall never lack the love of a mother

Nor shall fear ever overcome their life

They will never have to hide at the sound of my voice

I shall be a safe refuge to them

A comfort zone that shall always comfort them

Till that day comes I pray every day and night

Seeking the Lord's guildance in every step I take

I try to set good morals for my life

Forgiveness and grace are what I seek to embrace

I pray that God heals me fully to perfection

I may not be perfect to my siblings

But, one thing they know is that I will always be there

Nothing good comes from boiled up rage and hatred

I decided to free my spirit to achieve all the positives in life

My path may have been sloppy

And now it is not owning my gratitude to my helpers

Just as I had someone to help me in the time of my downfall

I shall open my heart freely to help those in need

My lessons in life are still ongoing

I pray that my generations never experience its terror

Fortunate for them I will always be there

To teach and guide them in all paths of life

To train and nurture their hearts with gentleness

And above all, love them with joy above measure

With my partner beside me

I know that all this shall be fulfiled

Who would have thought a girl of my standard can generate such passion?

This question shall never be answered

My greatest reward is to see my children satisfied with treatures in life

And on my death bed, I shall bless the father who made all this impossible

To bless me with this gift

In happiness, I shall dot on my children's success

Of a joy I never got