Unilateral Decisions

The father of my child has unilaterally decided to divorce me after the child leaves my womb. He plans to work full-time and go back to school full-time in the fall “in order to provide a better life” for the child and himself.

He has repeatedly said he’s going to be there for his child. Yet, I’m sicker than I’ve ever been and he’s nowhere in sight. He is working 40+ hours (solely supporting himself financially) going to the gym, spending time with his friends, going to therapy and who knows what else since we hardly speak. He has left me, his child and his marital obligations in the dusty past. I’m proud he’s focusing on himself, his well-being, his mental health, his future. I’m saddened he wouldn’t get help he needed before I got pregnant. I’m disappointed that he’s completely cut me of his life entirely, his wife, the one he claimed to love forever and always. Call is stress, call it PTSD, call it whatever you want, doesn’t change the circumstances. He wants out and I won’t force him to stay.

I’ve asked him how his plan to provide for his child will look. He says he will have his own apartment and a room for the child to sleep. However, he doesn’t have any extra time for me and the child at the moment. I can only imagine how difficult it is going to be making time for us once he’s actually enrolled in school full-time and working 40+ hours a week. He’s going to be a complete stranger to this child seeing it once a week or less.

His dad called me yesterday. Wanted to talk about how he’s there for me, and how him and his wife would do anything for me (but all I want is for my husband to be there for me) and how they are excited and happy that I’m expecting a baby girl.

His dad talked about how he thought I should name the child something in memory of my family, since both my parents and sister has passed, like a nice tribute or maybe even a combination of names. It was a nice thought but it was a punch in the stomach since I hoped of doing these things with the father of my child.

Should I even talk to him about what names? If I choose one without him, should I even tell him. Should I consider discussing it with him? His dad makes a point about my family too. I need to recognize he has have unilaterally made the decision to leave and divorce me. He isn't involved. He’s too tired and busy from his hectic life (spending time with friends, working, etc.) for us, and by us meaning myself and the child.

It feels wrong typing these problems out. I do not feel like I am a failure, but I feel pretty lousy about the situation I have gotten myself into. I love the man. He's got a great heart. But, his demons are memories from the past that he cannot ignore.

Sometime, two years later…

The father isn't involved. We divorced. I named the child. Their father saw them less than 5 times before he moved on. They weren’t willing to co-parent. I knew what was best for my child, and I never backed down.

This isn’t the journey I imagined. This isn’t the person I wanted to be either. I believe, Motherhood is hard, no matter the circumstances.

My body,

My mind.

My desires.

Changed forever.

One single Moment…

The current of my life, changed forever.

But, she called to me. And Her name would be Hall.