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I would be the first to admit that in some ways, I am a real loser.

I know that I have the capability and the resources to contribute to people through inspiration, I just refuse to do it through the course of having some menial weekday job.

But here's the rub: I don't have the internal/external resources to get myself into the space of a job itself. That is my real, as you may call it, challenge.

I know I have the capability to get things accomplished...I just don't know where to start to get to the space to do so.

So now, today, with rent due, I fall back again on my family. Granted, I am putting up my TV, TV stand, PS4, and perhaps more as a bartering collateral this time (all in good will towards my loved ones, and, of course, towards the depletion of "noise" so that I will have less distractions in the way of getting my 2nd book edited, and beyond...).

I am really not a bad person, and I don't think that I'm 100% lazy either (though perhaps there is only a 10% chance of that). I am simply not willing to get put into a box and shelve all that could mean so much more for me, as well as other people, and in the short and long run.

I have anxiety. Existential qualms at times. I think a great deal, as you may have seen in my writings. A lot of the things that are second nature to my psyche and experience of things, I think may be a lot more routine than the majority of others out there. I find it hard to think, honestly--I mean, it feels like there is a literal roof inside my head when I try and contemplate and reason things out logically (when it comes to "important" things like work and financial concerns). I could be just me internally sensing my own scalp, but who knows?

I have no relationships. I have had a girl I like at usually each job I have had, but the ones I am attracted to, are unavailable, and even when they like me, it always comes down to me thinking about them day after day, and having to face going to sleep in a darker than dark world.

Things that may seem like the trivial course of today to others are still an eternity away for me.

So, for me, it comes down to why should I bother? I have had full-time work in the past. Although I have always lived paycheck to paycheck, really, and have "used" or used people more or less for my own survival (not maliciously, only with ignorance in some ways, I swear). But I am also wary of danger, and the insecurities -> aggressions of others, so I don't have much of a social life (actually any, outside of work--which even then, may just be people acting as they think they should act because THEY ARE HELD ACCOUNTABLE BECAUSE IT'S THEIR JOB?).

I am the epitomy of being myself. I may limit myself out of fear for the aggression of others, but I remain myself otherwise.

But I am still alone and unfulfilled. I have a book that is barely read, outside of a few who really care about me. I have feelings and words and passionate outgoings that prove no benefit to me or my well-being. I can't get what I want without the unshakeable shadow of lowering my standards. I cannot simply have a happy existence with those things around me. I am constantly poisoned by those who suffer their own existences, and by those who can only find fulfillment with those things still out of reach--somewhere else.

I mean--that's a bit about me.

What about you?