Operating In The Dark

I am sitting here in one of our nearby graveyards, listening to Dr. Wayne Dyer's Inner Wisdom Library and coming off of last night's mistaken high. I am here with no particular cause or reason, namely in terms of what I plan to write about.

(1)

I suppose for starters I can elaborate on my experience last night smoking weed. I shouldn't have bothered with it, especially because of one of my only other experiences with it, from years back. Because I don't smoke, even the small amount I didn't think would bother me affected me drastically all night. For me, it was an extraneous social layering that I knew I was doomed to suffer by, and that I only did because I thought maybe it would be different, because of my more recent experience. But the early alcohol, and the yogurt bar a half hour before the smoke, trapped me in the dizziness that filled the hours before I finally fell asleep. Even now, I'm feeling some residual effect; about 16 hours or so after my intake.

The bottom line is: it was not worth it. I lost hours of time with those I was hanging out with--we rarely get together--and even my time at work today. It is a mistake I will not soon make again.

I drink in general, and am less anxious about it. Sometimes it gets out of hand, sure, but I rarely get to a point close to what last night entailed, with probably about 5% of the matter that would match it in alcohol.

There is nothing wrong with knowing your limits. You are not less of a man or woman if you are affected in some critical way by anything.

After all, it is obviously out of your control. There is nothing wrong with trying new things--perhaps it is an important part of life and living, after all--but you must tread softly with everything you know in hand.

I smoked because I wanted to stay on the same level as them? But I was already sitting around with them anyway.

I smoked because it was offered to me? So what? We still love each other, even if I don't accept it. Different strokes for different folks, you know?

(2)

To breach a different facet of the matter, it is times like these that a change in the future has become necessary. It is a learning experience that demands a change in approach to decision. In this case, I should have passed it (<= 420 words) and not indulged in it. It would have given me the experience of having my opportunity, then passing it along. Hell, I could have just asked for it. But common sense and experience told me what the outcome would be, yet I still just went along with it. In a case like this, assuming it would work out the same way was not a prejudiced decision, but an intelligent one. It illustrates that I do have control...that control that lies in making the choice to say, verbally or otherwise: no thank you.

(3)

To continue the previous point, my fault lies, again, in knowing what I must do, but letting uncontrolled choices and perceptions spark autonomy. It's like playing chess against yourself, where you should operate perhaps nine steps ahead of the manifestation of outcome that becomes your reality.

It all comes down to planning ahead, and using that preparatory backing as leverage when you get to critical points as I fell victim to last night.

However, these are simply ideas, after all. I suggest them with my own confident reasoning. You don't have to take them at face value. It's more that your perception of anything I say drive you in some direction of blissful knowing and enlightenment.