Thriving Through the Struggle

Life is a funny thing. It is such a twisty, turning rollercoaster of emotions and experiences that are meant to shape who we are as people over time. Sometimes it breaks us and we fall so far from what we were expected to be. And it could show in many different ways. We end up in jail, homeless, or worse, we give it all up all together. We end it on our terms. But then other times, what was meant to break us, what was meant to completely destroy us, is used to build us into something... better? Grow us in some way, to be better people? I don't really know. Everyone is shaped differently by their own battles. Everyone handles their experiences differently. I can only explain things in the way I've experienced them. And how I've let it shape me.

I was always the shy kid growing up, the good kid. I grew up, taught by my parents to roll over and never fight back. Hide, don't cause anymore strife, be a people pleaser. Other people's problems are not meant to be my own and my problems shouldn't be pushed onto others. Which I went through my young life adhering to. Because of it, I took a lot of shit from other people. I was ignored by my teachers and bullied by my peers (and sometimes teachers too). My true change, my true "coming of age" didn't come until my early adult years. I was such a naïve girl. I didn't speak out on anything I was passionate about. I hid my thoughts and views away so not to annoy or anger others. I put everyone else's feelings first and let their words and actions control and harm me. It was how I was raised and how I thought we were meant to be.

Then I turned 18. I met the man that would "help" shape who I am today, I suppose you could say. I'm sure he certainly thinks so, anyways. But at that time in my life, I had never been in a real relationship. I avoided them, nothing lasted more than a month or so and it never amounted to more than quick kisses and holding hands at school. I didn't like being touched much and thought most of them only wanted one thing anyways. I suppose I've never really been an "intimate" person, though I do care deeply about other people. But about a month before my 18th birthday, I met a man who I thought was the greatest, sweetest guy ever. He didn't make me feel stupid for the things I liked. He seemed supportive of all my dreams and respected my boundaries. But evil has a way of packaging itself as such a beautiful and amazing gift. However, It wasn't long after we became "official" that the pretty packaging started to peel away to reveal the poisonous sticky trap underneath. About 3 months into the relationship the manipulation started, the overbearing control.

"Don't wear shorts, that makes you a whore. Dress this way instead."

"Apply to this college because it is smaller and closer to my home. You can't handle anything bigger anyways."

"Move in with me, so I can keep you safe and keep better track of you. You're family is to poor to provide for you anyways."

"Don't fail your classes or we'll never make it in life. Our future success is completely on your shoulders."

These demands gradually got more and more aggressive. He began to treat me more like a disappointed dad then a partner, "punishing" me for failing and degrading me for not being the way he wanted me to be. Of course this hurt my self esteem. I am a people pleaser after all and I couldn't manage to please this person that claimed I meant so much to him and who, at the time, meant so much to me. Eventually, I wasn't allowed to like the things I liked. I wasn't allowed to continue with my hobbies. I wasn't allowed to do anything he didn't find useful or amusing to him. Of course, the verbal and mental abuse eventually turned into physical abuse about 7ish months in. It started with a smack across the head or being shoved. Then gradually turned into being thrown through doors, punched or pinched on the leg or any other place he could get away with bruising me where other's couldn't see. Sexual abuse followed shortly after as well. As I said, I'm not the most intimate person in terms of physical touch and he was very, very active and aggressive in terms of "sexuality" and all events that surrounded that. The mean words also got worse and worse. Then death threats and threats against my family started to pour in, in the final years. It was a rough and traumatic relationship. It stripped every part of my dignity and happiness. It broke me in ways I never knew a person could be broken. But I stayed. I was convinced it was my only option.

We ended up engaged. We had two kids together. The first one planned, the second one a surprise. I had post partum after both pregnancies... or maybe it was just regular depression. I did not enjoy pregnancy at all. I now feel robbed of the joy I was suppose to feel during that time and those first vital years of my babies lives. I was so numb and in a haze that I don't even remember a lot of their firsts. I just remember trying to survive.

And that is where my changes in life started. But not in a good way, at first. I became bitter. I was always scared. I was always worried of how this decision or that decision would make him react. I started lying about stupid stuff to save myself from the inevitable fights that did still occur over something else. I stopped seeing my family as much. I stopped talking to good friends and even purposely pushed away good people, all so they wouldn't see what was going on. So they wouldn't be disappointed in me and how I let my life turn out. Everyone always expected such great things out of me. I was becoming someone I never wanted to be, never intended to be. So there it was. I was a bad mother. I was a bad fiancé. I was a bad daughter. I was a thief at one point. I was a liar. I was worthless. I was nothing but a burden and a mistake. I was depressed. I was anxious. I wanted to die. I wanted it all to stop, the pain, the stress, the fear. I just didn't want to do it anymore. When I looked in the mirror, it was like I didn't know who was looking back. I hated seeing my reflection. I didn't even recognize it half the time.

I fought that downhill battle for 7 years. I stayed with this person who convinced me I was nothing without him. He told me if I ever tried to leave he would kill me. He would take my kids. I would never make it on my own. I would have to be a whore to get anyone's attention. I would never make any money to survive. I would be just another broken down nobody living off of welfare, never making it in life. All things that I believed. The year of 2016 was the year everything took the turn for the worse (if you can believe it). I became suicidal. I was at the lowest I had ever been in my entire life. Usually when he would be abusive he would try to make amends to temporarily fix things until the next attack. You know lie, apologize, promise to better. But that stopped. There were no more calm periods. There were no more apologies. I was in a prison that I was convinced, I had created. I was on probation for a crime I committed to try and get me out of my situation. I was stuck in this sporadic mind set. I did things in the moment, without thinking it through, just to try to stop the next incoming fight, hit, or degradation. I felt the world would be better without me. My kids would be better off without me.

October 2016, Halloween night, was the night I found out he was cheating on me. I kind of always knew but now I knew for sure and he made sure to spill out how often and when. I don't know why but that was what pushed things over the edge. I couldn't do anything anymore. He began to realize that I was giving up and his aggressions got worse. His attempts at ending me grew more and more violent. From guns being pointed in my face, nearly choking me to death on several occasions. He knew I was giving up on him, on everything, and his attempts to "teach me a lesson" became near death experiences.

December 2nd, 2016, I called my mom. Despite everything she remained the only family member with continued access to me because she was our babysitter. I don't know how much she instinctively knew, but I never told her anything. Always painted the picture of perfection to the best of my ability. I called her over that day to watch the boys while I went out to "run errands". I kissed my babies and I left. My intentions were to finally end it all... by ending myself. I didn't know how but I knew I couldn't go back. I was tired. I was broken. I had nothing else to give. I drove, crying as all of the demons in my head screamed at me. Telling me what I needed to do and why I was such a waste. Reminding me of why this was the best choice. Then out of nowhere, the first calm and reassuring voice that I had heard in months popped into my head.

"Don't do it."

It was so out of nowhere that it shook me a bit. It was so calm and unusual. All the other voices seemed like whispers compared to this one. I like to think that it was Jesus himself, or maybe my guardian angel decided to finally step in. Regardless, I knew it wasn't me. I had made my mind up. But I heard it and I pulled over and just stopped, stopped everything and just... listened. As I sat there the thoughts came into my mind so clear and calm. It was shocking because I haven't had a coherent, productive thought in so long. But now I kept hearing things like, "Don't do it", "Think about the kids", "Find help, now", "Tell someone." I sat there and cried even more, now confused on what I should do. I thought about my kids and then I remembered a therapist's office in the city over that I had been to once before for a consultation (behind his back of course). I drove out and waited in the waiting room for what seemed forever. All while getting the usual, "Where are you", "What are you doing" texts from him. Scared that I was making the wrong choice and planning on what I would do if I was ignored. When I finally got to the back, I unleashed it all. Everything I had been keeping inside, every thought, every feeling, everything he had done, everything I had done, everything I had thought of doing. I spilled all out to this strange woman who I knew nothing about. I had no idea what was about to happen next. All I knew was I couldn't go back. I would rather be institutionalized then go back to the hell that was him.

After I had finished, this woman didn't berate me. She didn't call the cops. She calmly explained to me everything that was happening to me was not something that was "normal" for healthy relationships. She explained things like narcissism and gaslighting. And then she called the local Domestic Violence shelter for me. I talked to those women and the counselor for 40 minutes, trying to get reassurance that this was the right thing to do and how to go about doing it. I was scared but with 25 minutes until he got off work and came hunting me down, I rushed back to the house. I grabbed my kids, all of their paperwork, birth certificates, ect. As much clothes that I could manage, shoved it all into my moms car and raced off to the "secret" meeting place where one of the workers from the shelter were waiting for me. My poor mother was quickly and hectically explained 7 years of chaos in the 8 minute ride to the place. She cried, I cried, I warned her of the probability that he may come looking for me and to be on alert. We parted ways at that meeting place, with tearful exchanges. Both so scared of what might happen next.

But that was the start. The start of my healing. The start of my new beginning. It was so scary. I spent a few months in that shelter with my kids. They helped me reconnect with my faith. They helped me deprogram all the bullshittery that he had implanted in my mind about myself. They helped me get my first job. They helped me get a lawyer. They were amazing. He did end up going to my parent's that night. My parent's handled it well though and the nice officer that responded to the call was so kind and professional about it all. The location of the shelter was a secret, not to be disclosed to anyone, not even the police, for safety of the women who go there. I was scared. It was the biggest step I had ever taken and I did it for me. I never did anything for my own well being but here I was changing my life for the better.

The next year went fast. We went to court. But because of the fact that I never told anyone, went to the police, or had any real evidence of the abuse, he ended up getting joint custody. I get a decent amount of child support and we split the time with the kids 50/50, alternating holidays every year. I had it put in the plan that he is never allowed to contact me in regards to anything that did not pertain to the children, otherwise we would be right back into court. Which he has managed to follow so far. We have heated "discussions" in regards to some things with the kids but I was also given "primary residency" in the parenting plan which gives me a bit more pull on what happens in regards to the kids health, schooling, and upbringing but I try to remain as inclusive as possible to his thoughts and opinions on the kids lives. I do know that he has not changed, though he constantly tries to convince me he has. My kids come home and tell me of what he puts his new wife through and how they hate to see her so upset or hurt. I can't do much about it without breaking the parenting plan and getting involved in his life. So though I want to help, I feel it is out of my power. My oldest is in therapy because of that and some of the things he has personally been through with his father. Despite everything I'm always being told that unless he physically harms them I can't really do anything but what I'm already doing. So I do what I can and continuously try to show them the right way to be towards people. I have many, many fears in life but one of the top is that they will end up just like him. So I fight to make sure that doesn't happen.

Through everything that has happened, I came out of it stronger I believe. I still have a lot of self esteem issues but I now know that I am more than what he said I was, or what he said I would become. I am a good mother. I fight for my kids. I teach them love and acceptance of all races, genders, orientations, and cultures. I teach them to help those that can't help themselves and never let anyone push them around or make them feel less than human. I teach them that even though they have faults, that they have amazing strengths as well. I teach them that love is not control. Love is not anger. Love is not violence. Love is not ignoring others because it inconveniences you.

I have anxiety still. But I am learning everyday how to cope with it and not let it control my life. It is probably the hardest thing I've had to deal with since going out on my own. I fear everything, all the time. I've been single ever since. I have a hard time letting people close and despite other's trying, I can't do it. I have learned to be content on my own. I have my freedom. I have my own personality and mind back. I can't risk losing it again. So I avoid relationships and relations like the plague I feel they are. It may not be healthy but it is how I've learned to survive. I now know what I want in my life. I have my dreams and goals and no one to tell me that they are stupid or unreachable. My feelings matter and what I want in life is achievable. I stand up for what I want and how I feel now. I'm no longer quiet about my views but I'm not aggressive or violent when it comes to expressing them. I may have went through hell and back. But I am stronger and smarter for it. My life experiences nearly killed me. Those demons nearly won. But in the end, I have overcome them and I am doing everything I can to overcome every other obstacle thrown in my way. My kids are my life and my motivation to keep going. I don't know how I will do it but I will reach my goals and I will raise strong, kind men while I do it.

I may have wasted a good portion of my life in hell, lost, and confused. But now I know more than what I knew then. I don't have to please everyone. I can help people and not sacrifice my own happiness and self worth. I can choose what I feel is right or wrong. I am allowed to be different even if it bothers others. I am allowed to be me. I am worth it. I am strong. I am kind. I am a creator. I am a mother. I am a dreamer. I am a survivor. I will be more than what others have told me I am. I will be more for the sake of my happiness and the sake of my children. I will thrive. I will be better than my past self. I will continue to grow and I will do what I can to help others to do the same. Always.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255

Domestic Violence Hotline: https://www.thehotline.org/ 1-800-799-7233 or Text "Start" to 88788