Chaotic Collage

Creative expression is one of the most amazing traits that the human species has been blessed with. We create amazing things all the time; music, movies, painting, photography, writing, building to name a few. There are so many outlets to create in, so many categories and opportunities. I personally love to create because it gives me a sense of accomplishment and even a bit of mental peace. I have crippling depression and anxiety. I, even on my best days, feel as if my place in this world is a mistake, a joke. I lack confidence and I lack a sense of purpose. But when I create, when I write, when I edit pictures or even just take them, when I draw, even when I'm simply building and crafting things with my children. I am able to feel that even average, little me is good at something. That I'm able to do something right. Because that's the greatest thing about creating. If you like it than it is right, it is perfect. You created it, you control it, it's yours.

I have many hobbies and passions that I enjoy. I am in a constant, ongoing mission to turn my creative expressions into a career or anything beneficial to my family for that matter. So many people are living their best lives doing what they love. I love and support that with my whole being but I want that more than anything too. But even though it is my dream to become successful and happy through my hobbies, there is one creative hobby that I've kept just for me. My extensive life long scrapbooking project. It may seem silly and like a waste of effort. But since I was about 6 or 7 I have worked on a scrapbook of sorts. It's not what most would consider a common scrapbook. It's always been very abstract, like so much of my more visual, imagery type work. A chaotic type of expression but it has always been mine. I never show it off and I never really talk about it. It's always been my special, ongoing and forever incomplete project.

The breakdown of this particular project is simple. I took old notebooks that I had used at school and instead of trashing them I simply repurposed them. Every magazine I would get my hands on, I would go through and cut anything from quotes, pictures, words, or anything that stuck out to me. Anything that resonated to me on any kind of personal level. And then I would glue or tape it into the notebooks. I would clash it all together and form what I saw as beautiful. These things that interested me. These words that described me or what I was feeling. It was like my odd, crazy picture diary that only I can decipher. I would sit for hours, cutting and gluing. I would find free subscriptions to magazines just so I could dissect them. I still do, when I have the time. It's why this particular project will forever be incomplete. I feel as long as I live, this project will continue to grow and simply be mine.

People may not understand why it means so much to me. People may look at me funny when I mention it. But it is my personal, favorite project and means so much to me because, in a way, it is me. My chaotic mind put on paper. I do whatever I want to it without any care of how it may seem to others because it is a form of therapy for me, I suppose. I look through the pages and I can see how much I've changed, how much my interests have changed. I can see my growth within the pages and it gives me hope that I will continue to grow.

Creating is such an amazing thing. Most people do it because it makes them happy. Most people love to share their work and get validation for it. Which I do want to show off my creativity as well. I would love for people to see what I create and enjoy it. I write and I photograph and I edit. I've just gotten to where I'm getting comfortable enough to share it with the world. Thanks to my anxiety and constant worry of not being good enough, I hold back a lot. I still won't share my links with family and close friends because of fear of backlash. I'm taking it in small steps. But my scrapbook, it's for me. I don't have to ever share it and it still makes me happier than any of my other projects because of how personal it is to me.

Create what makes you happy and support other creators. Because you never know how hard it may be for them to put themselves out there. Everyone expresses differently because everyone is different. Be supportive. Be kind.