Things I Should Of Said

11.15.1948 - 08.08.2021

May You Find Peace In Your Next Life. You'll ForEver Be In Our Hearts.

You've Been Gone Almost A Week.. I Haven't Fully Absorbed The Gone ForEver Part Yet But I Promise I'm Trying. But For The Last 28 Years You’ve Been In The Same House On The Same Street.. You Were The Only Stable Part Of My Life.

Now You're Gone.

And I'm Shook.

There Was So Much Left To Say.. At Least For Me There Was.. I Was Just Waiting For You To Get Better.. I Was Holding OnTo Hope.. Guess I Was Just Being Nieve.

I Really Just Wanted You To Come Home.

Guess You Didn’t Want To.. That's Okay. I Really Do Understand. You Didn’t Deserve That Pain.

But Now..

Now Im Writing You This Letter With EveryThing I Should Of Said Inside.. Wishing I Could Look You In The Eyes Again.

First Of All Ive Got To Tell You That Regardless Of AnyThing In This Letter I Love You.

I Love You With My Whole Heart.

I Guess I Just Wondered If You Ever Loved Me Back.

I Know I Shouldn’t Wonder I Should Know But You Didn’t Make It Easy.

Did You Know That I Spent Most Of My Childhood Confused.. Trying To Figure Out What I Did Wrong. It's Pretty Much Been Like That My Whole Life.. I'm Still Confused To Be Honest.

I'm A Mom Now Too And To Even Think About My Children Feeling How I Felt Breaks My Heart. How Did You Survive Through That ?? I Wouldn’t Be Able To Survive My Children Hurting That Bad Because Of Me. They're Just Children.

I've Always Wanted A Closer Relationship With You But You Were Always So Negative And Angry. It Really Got To Me. I Hated Arguing With You. That's All We Ever Did Though… It Was Too Much. That's Why I Kept A Distance Between Us. I Couldn’t Handle Being Angry All The Time.

It Is Because Of You That I Am Who I Am. Your Behavior And Actions Made Me… You Probably Don’t Get That But I'll Explain. Most Of Your Actions Were What Not To Do Though So You Probably Won't Like The Rest Of This Letter.

But That's Okay.

You Need To Know.

I Need To Tell You.

So Brace Yourself Mama.. You're Not Going To Want To Hear It And You're Not Going To Like It.

So.. Well..

Do You Remember All Those Times You Told Me I'd Be Just Like My Biological Mother Addicted To Drugs And SomeOne Else Raising My Children ?? Well Because Of You Screaming That At Me So Much I Am Now Ten Years Sober And Your Grandson Is Nine Years Old. He Has Never Known AnyOne Else As His Mother. Same With His Little Sister.

Nobody But Me.

They Know WithOut A Doubt That I Love Them With My Whole Heart. I Couldn't Imagine Life WithOut Them In It. It Just Wouldn't Be Right.

They're Never Confused.

They've Never Seen Drugs Or Me High. I'm Terrified That Would Make You Right. That Just Can't Happen.

I'll Never Be Her !!

I Can't Be Her !!

Also, Those Times You Called Me Names And Beat Me… Made Me Hate Loud Noises And Jumpy When SomeOne Moves Too Fast Or The Wrong Way. I Have Issues Disciplining My Children Because Of You. I Don't Want Them To Feel Like I Hate Them Or Be Afraid Of Me. It Would Kill Me If They Ever Told AnyOne They Were Afraid Of Their Mommy. I Am A Ask Them The SameThing One Hundred Times Before I Raise My Voice Type Of Mom.. I'm A Threaten To Whoop Them All Day But Take A Week Or Two Of The Same Bad Behavior Before I Actually Whoop Them If I Whoop Them At All. What You Did To Me Effects Them And They Don't Understand It. But I Am Thankful You Hurt Me So Bad That I Am Too Scared To Hurt Them Because Every Choice I Make With Them Is Over Thought And Second Guessed Before It Actually Happens. Thankfully They Aren't Bad Children So Discipline Doesn’t Have To Happen Often But You Should Be Ashamed On How You Made Me Feel This Way.

I Should Be Mad At You But It Just Means My Children Will Never Be Abused Children.

They'll Never Feel How I Felt. EVER !!

But One Good Thing You Taught Me Was To Take In All Children.

You Adopting Me And Giving Me A Chance At Life Made Me Understand Every Child Deserves A Chance At A Life. So I've Taken In Six Children That Aren't Biologically Mine But If You Try To Tell Them They Aren't Mine They'll All Argue. They've Always Been Given Love Like They Were Mine. They All Chose To Call Me Mom And I Am So Blessed To Be Given That Title.

These Children Mean EveryThing To Me.

So Thank You For Showing Me That Even Train Wrecks Like Me Deserve To Be Saved.

I Just Never Understood Why You Saved Us Just To Hurt Us All The Time. It Wasn't Fair !!

We Deserved Better !

We Were Just Kids !

We Needed Love !

Now Because Of You We Are Traumatized Adults Who Survive Instead Of Live.

This Isn't Right !

You Were Our Mother You Should Of Protected Us But You Didn't And You Never One Time Showed Any Remorse For Breaking Us To The Core. You Just Hurt Us Any Chance You Got And Let Other People Do It To And When We Asked For Help You Made EveryOne Believe We Were Liars. And Because Of You I Refuse To Lie To My Children Or Allow Them To Lie About AnyThing Or Anyone Not Even Me And I Always Allow Them To Speak For Themselves. Their Opinion Matters. They're Humans Too. And There Is Nothing I Wouldn’t Do To Make Them Feel Safe.

I'd Burn The World Down To Make My Children Happy And You Did EveryThing You Could To Burn My World To The Ground. What Is Wrong With You ??

Why Would You Be Such A Monster ??

The Worst Part About All Of This Is You Waited Until You Were Dying To Apologize. We Didn’t Get The Chance To Actually Fix Our Relationship. What Was The Point In Apologizing When You Couldn’t Use Actions To Prove You're Actually Sorry.

What Was The Point ??

Why Do That To Us ??

Just Had To Make Sure You Could Hurt Us One More Time ? As Long As You Feel Better Right ?! I Know I Shouldn’t Be Surprised But Damn.. Can't Even Give Us Peace In Your After Life.

It's Okay Though Because We Understand We Have No Choice But To Accept It. For Our Own Sake. Not Right But Accepted.

So Thank You Mama For All The Lessons.. For All The Bad.. All The Hurt.. The Experiences You Gave Me Molded Me.. I Will ForEver Be Marked By The Life You Gave Me.

I'll Never Regret Any Of It.

Sincerely,

The Child You Didn’t Protect