Its An Open Letter

So I have been unsure of what to write for days now.

Been stuck.. writing and then deleting.. it’s been a process..

But I woke up this morning getting a notification that the birth mother to one of my children is viewing my social media and posting old photos of my son with claims of love. Instantly, I was angry like blind rage angry.

And I deal with my emotions by writing and drawing so here I am.. this is an open letter to the birth mothers of my children…

Dear Birth Mothers,

I am not as angry now as I was when I first saw your posts about my children. And you’re probably thinking I have no right to be angry you did after all birth these beautiful people.

But you see, I do have the right to be angry because when they needed you the most you left. You chose anything but them. Then I met their father. Not going to lie when I first met him and heard his story I was skeptical just because I was already a single mother fighting like hell to get my own children’s dad to be apart of their lives, but here is this man with all three of his children and mothers no where to be found. Men don’t do that. At least not the men I knew. So it took a while, but children were introduced and just the way they functioned I understood they did not know what a mother’s love felt like and it absolutely broke my heart.

I was instantly in love. Nothing in this world could make me walk away.

And no the relationship their father and I have isnt perfect but it is based on love and understanding and we show these children that there is nothing more valuable than a person who loves you. The world wouldn’t be the same without them in my life.

I could never understand how you three chose everything but them.

I know you’ll probably say it was the drugs and other life things, but I am a recovering addict too and when it came to my sobriety I was told to choose between the drugs/alcohol or two children that I had no ties to(I didn’t have children of my own yet). I didn’t hesitate I chose them. I chose the love they needed in this life rather than burying the guilt with a high that wont last for my own selfish needs. I didn’t want them to end up like me angry that nobody ever chose me.. nobody ever wanted me.. and if I correctly remember all of you know that pain. And you chose to let your child(ren) feel it too !! What is wrong with you ?! How could you ?!

The second the doctor said I was having a child of my own I instantly went into mama bear mode. I knew in my heart that there was nothing and nobody in this world or anywhere else that could make me leave them behind or make them feel like they aren’t most important people on the planet to me. NOTHING !!!

I could never understand a woman giving birth and then just living like they never did. Raising other children while the other ones don’t even know what your voice sounds like or what your face looks like. Also, how do you expect me to explain that to them when they’re older ?? Sorry mommy wasn’t ready to be a mom yet when you were born knowing damn well they’ve got a sibling only a few months younger than them. Which also isnt fair !! Siblings should have each other and you guys have done everything you can to make sure they never know about each other and you should be ashamed.

Then I go on social media and see ya’ll say you love your child(ren).. and it genuinely irks me. Ya’ll don’t know they’re favorite colors.. you don’t know that they feared the dark for years.. you don’t know that for a long time they had a hard time sleeping so cosleeping was a thing in our home for way longer than necessary.. you don’t know that their favorite toys are dinosaurs and switches.. you don’t know that they each have their own strengths and weaknesses.. you don’t know that they absolutely despise the heat but love the snow.. you don’t know they aren’t weak anymore.. you don’t know that they love school but hate getting up early in the morning. You don’t know the size of their clothes and shoes. You don’t know that one of them really hates not matching while the others genuinely do not care as long as they aren’t naked. You weren’t there when we were scared we might lose one of them.. You weren’t there when they started school.. you weren’t there when their day was hard and they needed a safe place to express themselves. You just weren’t there.. you still aren’t there and it’s all because of your own selfish choices.

But you know who was there.. me.. I showed up when you didn’t. I kissed booboos and cried with them. I held their hands as we walked into school because they were so nervous and excited to start they weren’t sure if they wanted to go. I sat at doctor appointments. I prayed to god to keep them safe everyday and every night. I listen when they get home from school and ramble about their day. I cook every meal for them. I make sure their favorite outfits are washed for school every week. I make sure that they know how to defend themselves and protect each other in today’s world but to always be nice until it is time to not be nice. I take them to the park to slide and swing. I play ball with the boys and dollies with the girls. I have seen more Disney movies than adult movies. But the most important part of all of this is that they know no matter what I am doing or who I am with that all they have to do is call and Mama will be there. No questions asked, I will show up and give them everything I got.

And even though just the thought of your name makes my skin crawl and my tummy turn… I hope one day these children find it in their hearts to forgive you. I hope they one day let you in their lives and show you how amazing they are without you. I hope they see where they came from and know that they deserved better and they got it. I hope they let you in and you get to know the people I raised and they show you how big their hearts really are. I hope when you meet them that you understand how lucky you are to even breathe the same air as them. I hope when you meet them you don’t lie to them about what happened because I won’t. I do not lie to them about anything. Not even when it comes to me. But genuinely I hope you know you missed out on the best times of their lives. And they’re worthy of better than you. And I am so thankful that I got to be their Mama.

Also, if the day comes that they do get to meet you and they decide to let you in their lives.. know you don’t replace me and you wont ever get me out of their lives because I am spending everyday for the rest of my time on this earth making sure they know that I would do anything for them. Even when they grown with their own lives all they got to do is call Mama and I will give whatever they need if I got it. From a listening ear to money. They will always be taken care of because that is my job. They chose to call me Mama and I don’t take that title lightly.

I will always choose them and I will always love them. And I will always show up no matter what !!

I hope when you read this you aren’t angry but relieved to know that even though you say you’re caring for them you’re really not but they’re still loved and cared for by someone who would do anything for them even if it meant giving up my own life. Theres nothing I wouldn’t do to make sure they’re happy and healthy.

And you’re welcome for that !!

Because every child deserves to know genuine love and you didn’t give it when you know damn well you should have !!

Sincerely,

The Woman Who Will Always Be There For Them

P.S.

If the day comes that they forgive you

Just know I never will