About Me

My Name Is Jessica. I Go By Jess.

I Am 28 Years Old.

I Am A Mother Of 8. 4 Girls 4 Boys. I Only Birthed Two The Rest Are Bonus Kids All With Different Stories.. But The One Thing They Have In Common Is No Matter What Happens No Matter How Far Apart We Get I Will ALWAYS Love Them And Be There No Matter What !! I Would Drop EveryThing To Make Sure Theyre Okay.

I Am A GirlFriend To The Most Amazing Man On The Planet. He Supports Us Through EveryThing In Every Way. He Handsome And Smart. He HardWorking And Makes Us Laugh. I Don’t Think He Realizes Just How Much We Love And Appreciate Him.

I Am A Recovering Addict. 9 Years Sober.. Ish.. The Pain Has Me Using Pain Killers Again.. Occasionally.. Only When The Marijuana Didn’t Work. Yes I Gave Up Every Drug Except Green. It Helps Ease The Pain.

I Am Also A Writer.. Hence Why I Am On Vocal. Mostly Poetry.. I Try To Dabble In Other Things. But Poetry Is Where Ive Figured Out How To Let The Hurt Go. Poetry Is My Safe Place. Where I Express Myself And Tell My Story. Telling My Story Is The Hardest Story I Will Ever Have To Tell.. Ive Been Through A Lot In My Short Time On This Planet. The Poem I Wrote “Standing Here” Has Been The Most Painful So Far. It’s About How Much It Hurt To Lose My Mom And Be In Her House After. The Memories Are Painful. Also, I’m Sure Some Of You Have Noticed That I Haven’t Posted In Awhile. For That I Am Sorry It Has Been A Rough Month Or Two. I Have To Be Able To Focus When I Write And We Haven’t Been SomeWhere Where I Can Focus. I Also Have To Be Alone And We’ve Been In A Place Where Alone Isnt A Thing.

I Finally Have A Moment Alone So I Am Writing This About Me Story So I Can Let Out Whats In My Head Lately. It’s Been A Dark In Here Lately. Just Way Too Much Dark.

Ya See.. Ive Been Dealing With Chronic Back Pain My Entire Life Almost..

Kicked In The Back At Age 11.

Ran Off The Road While Riding My Bike At Age 14.

Fell Of The Side Of A Truck At Age 17.

Hit By A Car At 21.

Fell So Hard I Cracked My Ribs At Age 26.

Car Accident At Age 26.

Fractured My Back At 27.

So, There’s Really Never Been A Time I Didn’t Experience Constant Pain. When I Was A Teen I Went To The Chiropractor Daily For Almost A Year And Then It Went To Every Other Day And Slowly Dwindled Down To Once A Week. After Awhile I Got Tired Of Dealing With It I Wanted To See My Friends And Have Fun So I Stopped Going. I Started This Whole Mind Over Matter Thing..

If I Don’t Mind It Don’t Matter..

I Could Ignore My Pain All Day EveryDay. I Worked Through It. SomeTimes I Worked Multiple Jobs Or Extreme Hours At One Job.. I Was A Parent Through The Pain.. I Was A GirlFriend Through The Pain.. I Have Done EveryThing With So Much Pain That I ForGot What Life WithOut Pain Was Like..

EveryDay I Wake Up So Stiff I Can Barely Move.. There’s Been Times Ive Had To Army Crawl From My Bed To The BathRoom And Pull Myself Up To Get On The Toilet BeCause I Can’t Get My Legs To Physically Work But I Have To Pee So I Figure It Out. When I Sit Down My Legs Go Tingly And After A Few Minutes It BeComes Painful. I Deal With The Pain For Months At A Time And After So Much It Gets To Be Too Much Pain So I Slip Up On My Recovery And Take Pain Killers.. I Refuse To Take Them Daily BeCause I Am Scared To Get Addicted Again. I’d Rather Suffer Than Risk Having That Life Again. My Babies Deserve Better From Me.

The Most Recent Dr Visit Diagnosis Is I Have Mild To Moderate Spinal Stenosis And A Disc Protruding Hitting The Nerve Which Is Causing The Tingling And Pain. When I Asked How And Why They Said I Was Too Young For Them To Understand Why This Is Happening. I Am Currently Waiting To See An Ortho Specialist To Figure Out Why And How To Make Myself Better.

I Need To Feel Better.. This Pain Is Making Me Hate Life. I Am Constantly Hurting And Holding Back Tears. Never Have A Good Day AnyMore. SomeTimes My Man Cant Even Touch Me BeCause My Back Hurts To The Touch. I Can No Longer Chase My Children And That Part Kills Me. I Feel Like The Worst Mom On The Planet Not Being Able To Play With Them Like I Used To. And Now They See My Pain And Offer To Help Me Instead Of Me Being The One To Help Them. It Breaks My Heart To Not Be Who I Was For Them.

I Am The Run And Play Mom.. The Rough House All Day Mom.. The Active Mom.. I Don’t Know How To Not Be That Mom.. Now I Can Barely Sit Long Enough To Play Video Games With My Sons.

I Cry A Lot Now.

And I’m Angry A Lot Now. Mainly BeCause I Didn’t See A Dr And Now My Family Has To Deal With Me Barely Being Able To Walk. I Fell Like A Burden On Them Most Of The Time. Having To Wait On Me To Catch Up To Them.. Them Having To Lift Things For Me. I Just Feel Like I Am Too Much For Them. Like They Would Be Better Off WithOut Me. I’m Emotional And I Can’t Walk Right. And Currently Can’t Work BeCause I Can’t Walk Or Stand Long Enough To Hold A Job And Sitting Too Long Hurts.

I Can’t Win For Losing.

I’m Thinking About Going Back To School. Starting My Own Business And Eventually Publishing My Own Book. I Don’t Know. I’m Still Wrapping My Head Around The Damage I’ve Done To My Body. I Just Want To Be Able To Help My Family Or Get Out Of Their Way.

I Guess At The Moment I Am Currently Lost In My Own Pain And Fears. Physical Pain Is Causing Mental Pain And I’m Not Sure What To Do With That. I Know I Need To Start Writing Again. Express MySelf And Get These Emotions Out Before They Win.

They’re Not Allowed To Win. Never Going Back To Who I Was. My Family Deserves The Best Part Of Me And They’re Gunna Get It.

I Just Have To Figure Out How To Handle This New Level Of Pain. It Is UnNaturally Intense.

And This Physical Pain Isn’t The Only Reason I Lost The Urge To Express MySelf Or The Only Reason Things Got Dark.. Back In August Of This Year I Lost My Adopted Mother.. Her Death Was Slow And Painful And Having To Watch Her Die Was So Painful. NoBody Deserves To Go Out Like That. Losing Her Like That Really Messed With My Head. Seeing My Disabled Brother Hurt Like That Was Traumatizing All In ItSelf. He Didn’t Deserve That.

I Am Working On Dealing With All Of This But It’s Harder Than It Sounds. Most Of Me Feels Like Writing Is Going To Be My Best Option. I Guess We’ll See…