The judgements, the anger, the impatience, and the fire.
The world inside my head part 1
I am starting to feel it more and more, this uneasiness of my life. It is like I am waiting for the biggest shift of my life. It has started and I can feel it spiraling, catching me through its tides I hope I don’t swallow it and die. But that is the catch, I will always spiral, I’ll see myself die repeatedly, but it doesn’t have to stay this way. To be up this late with the thoughts of you, knowing very well that I am just another body to you. I stay up this late at night feeling the feeling I avoid all day, as I feel, I think why I allowed myself to be so naïve and desperate to be another number in that list. Love was the game, but ego came and stayed. How do I let go of this thought of being played?? The correct question is, how do I jump off and fly to the next level of my phase? I know that my loneliness pushes me to want to speak, so what happens when I speak that I am no longer lonely, would I speak, or would I act as if I am your one and only? That is what life is about, choices on how you want to experience the world we live in, even if it means you must leave them. Yes, the disaster will always be there, the stressors will always be there, but you have only one life, why not make the most of it with or without them in your life? All these questions still lead me to you, and I see myself just stubbornly tightening, not wanting to let go. Why do I hold on to so tight heart when my mind says let go?
The heart can be a fool, so heavy in love, it will see past the pain and excuse it as love. Misunderstandings and patience are all I see, but what happens when they start to take advantage of me? I am no victim, yet I am no oppressor, but each life I have lived I have witnessed and become the victim and the oppressor. It is the hardest pill to swallow, yet I still drink it with water.
As I sit and listen to my soul, I feel the warmth of courage, love and understanding unfold. There is much more between you and me than there is in this physical realm of needs. Yet I must keep it secret, find the love within. I will hold the story of you and me and let the realms see. I know you have always been the one for me, yet I have never really loved me. It does not matter how far you stray, God still seems to put you back into my place, whether it is in dreams or in nightmares you are always there in all dimensions. How can I change the tides of you and me, when all I do is feel like I judge and make you leave? I have been mistaken and thought I had been the devil, but it has been nothing but a delusion and an old fable.
The truth will always seek love, regardless of what it may seem. For both are in the light and shines directly in the dark. In the dark envy and false take over, creating a world of illusions and sick perverts. Delusional is the word I use when I live in a world filled with magic and unopened bottles of booze. I used to seek because it’s all I ever needed, now I need nothing and no longer seek for the world made up of fear and illusions. Yet you come back, and everything comes crumbling down again, seems like I am missing the point to my own evolution. I will hold this energy and take back my power, but first I must learn what my heart desires. Regardless how dark and how unstable I may get in between; I always get back up while your spirit sees me. I know you are here and always will be, but it doesn’t change the fact that I will always be needy. Let’s change the pace and start speaking of our shadows, let yourself choose light as the darkness will always follow. Let the love burn the illusions of those perverted bastards, you have something special, and you already know but something you did not expect was for it to show. How could I let you go.
About the Creator
Katherine Orellana
Peace and love beautiful beings, I am a student, a single mother of a baby boy and an amateur writer on the side who is passionate on writing stories about life, love and knowledge in a symbolic, metaphorical and out of this world way.
Keep reading
More stories from Katherine Orellana and writers in Confessions and other communities.
Into The Pits and Out of the Light
PREFACE Pit *High pitched ring* it is happening again, that ring. *High pitched ring slowly comes to a long-lasting ring* She slips into the darkness of the high vibrational frequency of silent noise, the consciousness and unconsciousness meeting into the grey area of our minds. Within this process, both sides of the brains connect into one form of electrically vibrational frequency that finally reunites as one. She starts to realize that she is awakening again……*She is now I and I have awaken* My eyes are starting to see light again, it is time for me to open my eyes again, *Her eyelids start to slowly open and through the blurred vision, her eyes adjust to her surrounding area. I have awoken with a bright sting of pure color from the bright sun. As my eyes adjust to the unknown brightness, I notice in front of me light green flickering patches that stretched to the entrance of a forest, "wow, what a beautiful green scenery," *I breathe into my nose and out of my mouth* I say to myself; “Even the breeze smells so fresh here”. As I continue to be within my surroundings, my ego of her starts to rise and think "I seem to know this surrounding…but how? I do not think I have walked through these paths before, but I somehow feel driven to move forward, through this forest of familiarity"…. As she slowly resides back into the depths of unknown, I start to walk past the thick, sturdy, tall oak trees, and through the meadow of bright green grass, as i sense the textures and colors of the forest i noticed the change of green to golden yellow wheat meadow. I come to think how bizarre it was to change from green forest grass to golden yellow wheat meadow, and then she realizes that she is thinking, from thinking it turns into the knowing of I am, and now it is more than just her. I come to a halt, I look to what seems like the right and left side of my upper and lower physical body, and as I accept that the body is no longer in a physical plane, my gaze quickly rises. At first it seemed hard to tell but a beautiful pinewood bridge had started to form from the pieces of the golden wheat field and revealed to me a diamond field full of bright colored stars. As my look settles onto each star, I come to realize that each individual light is as unique and different as the other, as I settle into emotion of awe, this magnetic feeling from this beautiful field caused my true self to be pulled out from inside of her, my physical ego. She no longer had control, and as I look below myself, I see what used to be my physical self on one side of the bridge, while my true self started to cross the bridge to the beginning of the bright diamond field. I looked around my surrounding area, that feeling of familiarity is accepted within my true form, I can't help but be in love of what I know to be myself, and as I started to consciously understand where I am, another scenery grabbed my attention. Below the bridge, I had known to be a river was more than what I had first anticipated, shadows of unspeakable description lurked with the darkest and dimmest of colors, the sense of cold ran up my being and as they sense my gaze onto them, they rose from the river, as their tall figures revealed themselves as a version of what I used to be, they looked at me and opened a channel to speak to me telepathically. "Choose wisely: through temptation comes misery, through misery comes understanding, and understanding comes acceptance. Choose" As their words buzzed around my mind, she quietly comes back into view “Choose? Must I choose a temptation to understand the acceptance, or would I need the acceptance to understand the wisely decision of avoiding misery?” as she continues to think to myself, the I am presence of my true being felt the unsettling ease of not trying to think through this decision and just follow the knowing of truth without the nagging need of her: the ego coming into my decision. Yet, she still persists to pops up again and ask “Would I even escape the misery that comes with deciding or does the misery come after the decision? Must I choose regardless? Even if I do not want to follow to avoid misery? What is this, why put me here?” I was having trouble being in one with my true self, as she took over with anxiety, self-doubt, and awareness of a split between choosing the wrong jewel through her sense of egotistical logic, and the jewel I knew that is me through the I am of my own intuitive spirit. As my true being struggles with the Dis-attachment of what I thought used to be me, deeper colors of dark blue and black had come over us again, it’s familiarity of exhaustion being the reality, “Could I understand what it is like to pick one jewel to spend misery with? Or would life no longer be miserable? What is my purpose to find this jewel if it will only bring me misery?” The longer she questions the more I struggle to show her the true self of being. "Is misery not the reality I must figure out?” "What is the purpose of this life? Do I even exist in it?" I continue to struggle, no longer wanting to push out, I start to sink into the void of meaninglessness. Just as I was starting to lose strength in fighting the ego of herself, a bright purple, pink, orange flame comes from the end of the field. I no longer felt the push and pull of her and myself, I have suddenly felt complete in my true self without her entering the silence to interfere what I know must happen, this allowed me to move forward to the other side of the bridge. Weightless and full of knowing, I followed the bright color show with excitement and child-like curiosity through the diamond field. The diamonds moving aside as if it had its own will, to give my being space to walk through, as I notice the colors rise from the ashes of the fallen trees that surrounded this jewel, it floated above my being. As I stared at the beautiful bright lights that were now only a few feet away from me, it started to downwardly shift onto the diamond field. I continue to stare at the beautiful colors, and as I am being within the moment of awe it started to give shape to you. I have not seen someone here in this field for as long as I could remember, this person must be the guide that will help me seek the diamond that I am searching for. The colors did not move, so i questioned loudly “Where do you come from stranger? I was told to pick a diamond, can you direct me to the diamond I am searching for?” oddly enough I knew this was a silly question for I knew the diamond, and as i recognize this, the shape of the stranger laughed and said to me “Don’t you recognize me my love?” the stranger was no longer a stranger. Your wavy curly hair finally shows through the orange flames of your head , the purple and pink settles around your tall figure, and as your long legs move forward to touch the beautiful bright field, the diamonds that were laid in front of us separate into a clear path for you, and with each heavy-light stride you took towards me, diamonds would crack, and then shatter…Colors filled the sky around you, as you move closer to me, the colorful sky engulfs me into the space of creation, the more my senses understands how long it truly had been since I’ve seen you, the more I am drawn to you like a magnet drawn to its opposite. As my cognitive mind separates and my heart comes into my foresight of my true being, it shows me this knowing and accepting with ease your important existence within my life. My vision clears, now you are so close to me, my anxiety settles, and the understanding of who you are comes to my consciousness, you’ve never left. “It has been a long life, why did you leave me behind to fend for myself?” he wraps the beautiful purple and pink around me, and as we embrace, the colorful sky of green, white, blue, pink, and grey collided into a spark of a lifetime of explosions, and with each explosive color, the smoke would settle and create a sky full of lucid rainbows. He whispers to me “I’ve never left you, but this path is only yours to follow. I’ve waited for you and will wait until you see where you truly blossom my beautiful being. You are love, you are hate, you are envy, and you are praise, and when you finally understand your own miseries, we will meet each other again.” As he slowly fades into the darkness of the colors, I am left alone once again in the depths of my own darkness. That same dark feeling starts to creep into my mind, I am no longer I, she comes back as the commanding being. Let me sink into the unknown forever, I no longer want to live without you, but before I could sink into the loneliness of my own consciousness, its energetic life pulls me forward with the brightest gold and yellow I’ve seen, and once again I am back to the physical plane of humanity. My eye lids of my 3 dimensional being open and close, and as my vision settles, I look around the small room of existence that I have come to know as my life. I said to myself "It was only a dream", and as the vividness of you and me come to mind, those never-ending tears start to fall from my cheeks again and the questions start all over. "How long will it be until I see you? When will I see you again? What can I do to see you again?" Maybe that’s not the question or questions I must be asking myself. Maybe the question is "When will I stop feeling self-pity and self-doubt to move forward?" Maybe, it is, "What is it that I can do for myself to stop feeling so lonely in my own consciousness?" As I continue to slip back into my mind of what i think is my existence I continue on, "Maybe, it’s not meant for me to see you again until I understand my own miseries of self"," Maybe me and you would never meet again in this life, even if I do fix the toxicity of what I call my own demons". With these endless amounts of maybes that run through my frontal cortex, I start to wonder if there is even an exact answer for all my questions. I sit there in the dim lit room and then ask myself, what even is the exact? The exact is, following myself into the depths of my own darkness to know myself. Then, I can understand what it is that I must surpass to be fully one again, but is it really that straightforward or do i tell myself this to find comfort that I am the only one really feeling this depth of pain over you?
By Katherine Orellana2 years ago in Confessions
The Longest Language Journey Back
When you have a godawful experience for years (perhaps French lessons) and need to write about it as part of the healing process and already you feel parts of your cognitive machinery trying to “clean it up” (guess it’s French lessons) for public viewing by default since it’s likely to make some toes curl up (sorry, but definitively French lessons.)
By The Dani Writer6 days ago in Confessions
4 Peace Corps locations that are taking distance learning to the next level
Over the years, technology and infrastructure has made distance learning possible. All you need is a computer or mobile device and an internet connection. The COVID-19 pandemic made distance learning necessary for the Peace Corps and students around the world. Face-to-face classes were too dangerous, and it was impossible to know when schools would reopen safely. Educators around the world got to work on solutions to continue education and minimize the impact of the pandemic on students’ learning.
By Sabrina2 days ago in Confessions
Red Shelves
Death is a black hole. Think about it. A black hole is the corpse of a star, something once warm and bright, now come to the end of its life cycle. But some will argue that the cycle of life does not end with death. That death is merely another path we must walk once our bodies expire and our souls ascend. In that moment, when the fuel in the star’s chemical tank hits empty and the shiny matte coat explodes into supernova, the mass left behind – the corpse – becomes a black hole. We understand that, around such a vast cadaver, dimensions work a little differently in death to the way we’re used to in life. For example, light cannot escape the pull of a black hole when it hits the point of no return. That’s where it gets its colour. Space itself is contorted by a black hole. That’s where it gets its funny shape. Even time. Time slows right down the closer you get to it. The closer you get to a black hole. The closer you get to death.
By Matthew Curtis3 days ago in Humans
Comments
There are no comments for this story
Be the first to respond and start the conversation.