Into The Pits and Out of the Light

PREFACE

Pit

*High pitched ring* it is happening again, that ring. *High pitched ring slowly comes to a long-lasting ring* She slips into the darkness of the high vibrational frequency of silent noise, the consciousness and unconsciousness meeting into the grey area of our minds. Within this process, both sides of the brains connect into one form of electrically vibrational frequency that finally reunites as one. She starts to realize that she is awakening again……*She is now I and I have awaken* My eyes are starting to see light again, it is time for me to open my eyes again, *Her eyelids start to slowly open and through the blurred vision, her eyes adjust to her surrounding area. I have awoken with a bright sting of pure color from the bright sun. As my eyes adjust to the unknown brightness, I notice in front of me light green flickering patches that stretched to the entrance of a forest, "wow, what a beautiful green scenery," *I breathe into my nose and out of my mouth* I say to myself; “Even the breeze smells so fresh here”. As I continue to be within my surroundings, my ego of her starts to rise and think "I seem to know this surrounding…but how? I do not think I have walked through these paths before, but I somehow feel driven to move forward, through this forest of familiarity"…. As she slowly resides back into the depths of unknown, I start to walk past the thick, sturdy, tall oak trees, and through the meadow of bright green grass, as i sense the textures and colors of the forest i noticed the change of green to golden yellow wheat meadow. I come to think how bizarre it was to change from green forest grass to golden yellow wheat meadow, and then she realizes that she is thinking, from thinking it turns into the knowing of I am, and now it is more than just her. I come to a halt, I look to what seems like the right and left side of my upper and lower physical body, and as I accept that the body is no longer in a physical plane, my gaze quickly rises. At first it seemed hard to tell but a beautiful pinewood bridge had started to form from the pieces of the golden wheat field and revealed to me a diamond field full of bright colored stars. As my look settles onto each star, I come to realize that each individual light is as unique and different as the other, as I settle into emotion of awe, this magnetic feeling from this beautiful field caused my true self to be pulled out from inside of her, my physical ego. She no longer had control, and as I look below myself, I see what used to be my physical self on one side of the bridge, while my true self started to cross the bridge to the beginning of the bright diamond field. I looked around my surrounding area, that feeling of familiarity is accepted within my true form, I can't help but be in love of what I know to be myself, and as I started to consciously understand where I am, another scenery grabbed my attention. Below the bridge, I had known to be a river was more than what I had first anticipated, shadows of unspeakable description lurked with the darkest and dimmest of colors, the sense of cold ran up my being and as they sense my gaze onto them, they rose from the river, as their tall figures revealed themselves as a version of what I used to be, they looked at me and opened a channel to speak to me telepathically. "Choose wisely: through temptation comes misery, through misery comes understanding, and understanding comes acceptance. Choose" As their words buzzed around my mind, she quietly comes back into view “Choose? Must I choose a temptation to understand the acceptance, or would I need the acceptance to understand the wisely decision of avoiding misery?” as she continues to think to myself, the I am presence of my true being felt the unsettling ease of not trying to think through this decision and just follow the knowing of truth without the nagging need of her: the ego coming into my decision. Yet, she still persists to pops up again and ask “Would I even escape the misery that comes with deciding or does the misery come after the decision? Must I choose regardless? Even if I do not want to follow to avoid misery? What is this, why put me here?” I was having trouble being in one with my true self, as she took over with anxiety, self-doubt, and awareness of a split between choosing the wrong jewel through her sense of egotistical logic, and the jewel I knew that is me through the I am of my own intuitive spirit. As my true being struggles with the Dis-attachment of what I thought used to be me, deeper colors of dark blue and black had come over us again, it’s familiarity of exhaustion being the reality, “Could I understand what it is like to pick one jewel to spend misery with? Or would life no longer be miserable? What is my purpose to find this jewel if it will only bring me misery?” The longer she questions the more I struggle to show her the true self of being. "Is misery not the reality I must figure out?” "What is the purpose of this life? Do I even exist in it?" I continue to struggle, no longer wanting to push out, I start to sink into the void of meaninglessness. Just as I was starting to lose strength in fighting the ego of herself, a bright purple, pink, orange flame comes from the end of the field. I no longer felt the push and pull of her and myself, I have suddenly felt complete in my true self without her entering the silence to interfere what I know must happen, this allowed me to move forward to the other side of the bridge. Weightless and full of knowing, I followed the bright color show with excitement and child-like curiosity through the diamond field. The diamonds moving aside as if it had its own will, to give my being space to walk through, as I notice the colors rise from the ashes of the fallen trees that surrounded this jewel, it floated above my being. As I stared at the beautiful bright lights that were now only a few feet away from me, it started to downwardly shift onto the diamond field. I continue to stare at the beautiful colors, and as I am being within the moment of awe it started to give shape to you. I have not seen someone here in this field for as long as I could remember, this person must be the guide that will help me seek the diamond that I am searching for. The colors did not move, so i questioned loudly “Where do you come from stranger? I was told to pick a diamond, can you direct me to the diamond I am searching for?” oddly enough I knew this was a silly question for I knew the diamond, and as i recognize this, the shape of the stranger laughed and said to me “Don’t you recognize me my love?” the stranger was no longer a stranger. Your wavy curly hair finally shows through the orange flames of your head , the purple and pink settles around your tall figure, and as your long legs move forward to touch the beautiful bright field, the diamonds that were laid in front of us separate into a clear path for you, and with each heavy-light stride you took towards me, diamonds would crack, and then shatter…Colors filled the sky around you, as you move closer to me, the colorful sky engulfs me into the space of creation, the more my senses understands how long it truly had been since I’ve seen you, the more I am drawn to you like a magnet drawn to its opposite. As my cognitive mind separates and my heart comes into my foresight of my true being, it shows me this knowing and accepting with ease your important existence within my life. My vision clears, now you are so close to me, my anxiety settles, and the understanding of who you are comes to my consciousness, you’ve never left. “It has been a long life, why did you leave me behind to fend for myself?” he wraps the beautiful purple and pink around me, and as we embrace, the colorful sky of green, white, blue, pink, and grey collided into a spark of a lifetime of explosions, and with each explosive color, the smoke would settle and create a sky full of lucid rainbows. He whispers to me “I’ve never left you, but this path is only yours to follow. I’ve waited for you and will wait until you see where you truly blossom my beautiful being. You are love, you are hate, you are envy, and you are praise, and when you finally understand your own miseries, we will meet each other again.” As he slowly fades into the darkness of the colors, I am left alone once again in the depths of my own darkness. That same dark feeling starts to creep into my mind, I am no longer I, she comes back as the commanding being. Let me sink into the unknown forever, I no longer want to live without you, but before I could sink into the loneliness of my own consciousness, its energetic life pulls me forward with the brightest gold and yellow I’ve seen, and once again I am back to the physical plane of humanity. My eye lids of my 3 dimensional being open and close, and as my vision settles, I look around the small room of existence that I have come to know as my life. I said to myself "It was only a dream", and as the vividness of you and me come to mind, those never-ending tears start to fall from my cheeks again and the questions start all over. "How long will it be until I see you? When will I see you again? What can I do to see you again?" Maybe that’s not the question or questions I must be asking myself. Maybe the question is "When will I stop feeling self-pity and self-doubt to move forward?" Maybe, it is, "What is it that I can do for myself to stop feeling so lonely in my own consciousness?" As I continue to slip back into my mind of what i think is my existence I continue on, "Maybe, it’s not meant for me to see you again until I understand my own miseries of self"," Maybe me and you would never meet again in this life, even if I do fix the toxicity of what I call my own demons". With these endless amounts of maybes that run through my frontal cortex, I start to wonder if there is even an exact answer for all my questions. I sit there in the dim lit room and then ask myself, what even is the exact? The exact is, following myself into the depths of my own darkness to know myself. Then, I can understand what it is that I must surpass to be fully one again, but is it really that straightforward or do i tell myself this to find comfort that I am the only one really feeling this depth of pain over you?

Chapter 1

Every day since I can remember, I felt I was missing something completely important. I have felt alone, and misunderstood most of my life, and as a child, I was always ridiculed, shamed, put down and even mistreated by those closest to me in my own home and those outside my home. It felt like I had no break to the cruelties that life can offer, but I would tell myself "I had no reason to feel this way, my life contained a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food at the table, even if it was a struggle to have food, we would be blessed by those around us." Even if there was not enough love to share, or very little room for understanding, I would always see that my life was at better circumstances then those who had lesser food, no home to live in, or even family to help when they were in need.

Even so, this did not stop me to feel my own unworthiness of self-love, self-compassion, or mistreatments, but, with this darkness in the back of my mind, it never changed the truth of my heart. As life went on, I would speak of a life before this 3-dimensional reality beyond our knowledge of self, vast life that lived among the stars, yet, because of our unknowing of our true self I was told I was a liar, a manipulator of the truth, that I had to come back onto this earthly plane because all I do is make up stories of fantasies that do not exist. How horrible I will feel when I was told this, I had never felt that I was liar, I had always known the truth within my heart, yet, it was easy for me to hide away and not clash with those around me by saying “okay, I am sorry, I don’t know what I was talking about” while tears of an existence that I knew was true faded away into the lives of this solid reality. Life was never the same.

I integrated into this life of what we call reality, I had come to lose conscious knowledge of where I came from and why came here. As I got older this seemed but a distant memory, a dream that I concocted of my own desires of escaping the horrid reality of abuse within my own home. This made it easier to forget my true reality and the pain that it had given me of understanding what was real and what was not, but this only caused more pain and suffering into a life that I no longer wanted to exist in. As I tried to leave this earth, each time I had either stopped myself unconsciously, had someone stop it for me, or have failed to leave this planet, and with this failure a truth would ring "there is something more I must do." Yet frustration would come over and I would ask “what must I do to have to stay on this horrified planet of selfishness, greed, and pure negativity towards those who just want to live in a reality of peace and love?” I would look towards heavens and asked god “why are we your children? Why allow such horrified acts towards humanity to reign for as long as it does?” at the time I had lost all the answers and would just sit there and cry for a better life, a life where a family loves me for who I am really and not the person they created.

God heard me, he heard my suffering, he saw what was truly happening with each of us, yet in silence he waited, he patiently waits for the truth to reign again.

Chapter 2

As years went by, I had given up on finding the answers of who I was truly and just went through this delusion of life. Let me tell you, life is mysterious, and when you give up, it knows how to show you that same reflection of energy into your life. Truth reflected onto me on what I felt by those who came around me, others who were broken, sad, and those who had also given up on themselves followed me like flies attracted to the light. As a spectator I would watch as each person would cry, hate, scream, fight one another, and in mind I would question “Why must we continue this path of hatred? Is there more to what we think this life has to offer?” But as the interactive being, I would sit there and do the best I could to show the love I was not receiving for them to feel better. Not realizing I had started a domino effect, many of them would take but never reciprocate and I again would sink into the loneliness of wanting just one single person to love me just as much as I love. Years go by, life has shown its fair share of scars, yet I still haven’t given up on looking for love, an unconditional love. Life gave me a life partner a soul mate, best friend since elementary, we were inseparable, understanding each other without judgement or fear. Yet we still hid from each other, him hiding his pain of life of what made who he was and me of hiding the truth of where I came from and why I was here. By the age of fifteen, life answered my wishes, I had started to see the truth of what was real and what was not in this reality, how my agonizing wants of love was just my soul asking to be found again. Yet I still fought against it, I did not trust, I was unsure of myself and because of this I was unsure of the truth, "Do i deserve to love myself to stop all of this suffering? Do I even know the truth of what I am? or are my family right about me living in a life of fantasy?" and even with my soul mate besides me, i could not shake the feeling that there was more to my life, more to this love that i called forever in front of me.

At the age of 20 I had loved and lost many, my best friend, lover and long- time partner was now the father of my son, the person that i had relied on the most for my emotional needs and who relied on me for the same were no longer in good terms: co parents was our new reality within this, 3 dimension of earth, a human being. Lost as I was, I could not help but sleep almost all day and cry almost all night. Pregnant with my first child, I regretted my life, and bitterness started to take my heart, after everything from being pushed around, unappreciated and just downright mean to those who were good to me, I finally talked to God again “I can’t do this anymore, I don’t want to live in this lie, show me the truth of this reality, what am I up against and why is it that I still find hope and light in those who no longer deserve it? What is it that I am not seeing?” My questions were again answered.

The year 2020 changed my life and everyone’s life around me, God listened, and he waited, now he opened the world to the truth, it was time. As I sat and cried, trying to die a slow death by not feeding myself, telling myself that i was not worthy of living, a fire burned inside of me and no longer waited silently for me to acknowledge my true power. Everyday something new came forth to my line of visions, truths of the scared and horrified reality that I had known as truth, had changed and shown to me as a fake. The true reality is in us, in all of us, every single decision we take are choices to what our reality portrays.

But this did not make sense to me, bitter and alone I felt my heart closed and as a year went by, I slowly grasped that I had a child, a baby boy, who was in healthy conditions and loves me unexpectedly, and he was a choice I decided to take. One step forward to understanding.

Chapter 3

It was 2021, my son had just turned one and November was coming, for some reason I had felt anxiety over me something was coming, something big, but I had no clue what it was. I prepared like a maniac, stocking up piles of food and first aids, thinking that we would have total blackout of communication, believing the fears that spoke to me. Enough was enough, I was tired of living in fear, I was tired of not going anywhere, I had felt like I was nothing that I had nothing to show for, that I was just a mother who would end up getting stuck with his father who I knew did not love me. I was stuck, I talked to God “I do not belong here” I looked at myself in the mirror, I deserve more than this, I deserve love, I deserve happiness, I deserve joy, I deserve to forgive, I deserve abundances, I deserve more than what I am. He listened, and I full heartedly believed. It was time, and as I walked one night contemplating what I wanted with my son’s father, in my heart I knew he was not meant for me, I knew there was someone waiting for me. I had known for a very long time, yet I only now accept this reality. I full heartedly knew and accept that there is a love so grand that it does not compare to what I have endure for most of my life and that I am worthy of having this love.

The funniest thing, life, God, universe, they listen and bring forth what you ask. Signs were given to me that night, yin and yang of cats and dogs, black and white in every corner of the path me and my sons father walked on, as we notice these synchronicities with excitement and wonder a beautiful translucent ring in the sky right in the middle a crossing between two different crossroads of divisions in my son's father neighborhood. It felt like home was calling, and I heard the call as clear as I felt my skin, and as I continued to see this ring I had started to naturally walk towards the ring, as if my soul knew it was the safest option for me to do, but something stopped me in my tracks, my son's father questioning me "what about our son?", reality, it was like he saw the ring with me and knew to pull me away from a life I knew was meant for me, yet, this 3 dimensional chains of enslavement stopped me from going, it was as if I had asked him to tell me this, to give me an excuse to not move another inch forward. Being honest with myself, I had not wanted to leave my son behind, believing in the fear that my son would have no one else to care for him besides me. That night was the most magical of nights for me, it does not leave my mind, and at times I start to wonder if that was a sign for me to leave. But I know now it was a sign for greater things to come, the closing of November, life changed.

Final Chapter?

My life felt stagnant after that magical night, I was falling into the deepest abyss of life, not knowing that it would be only the surface of that abyss. It was the second to last weekend before November ends, me and the family were setting up for my dad and my aunts fraternal surprise party, normally we celebrate their birthdays alongside with my cousin during christmas, they were the special ones who got to be born on the day "christ" was born. But my grandmother wanted something special since it was their 4th decade of life into this reality. Everyone was stressing out setting this up, everyone running around like a chicken without a head, trying to get this surprise party looking as great as my aunt does when she decorates parties, but since she was the birthday girl no one could ask her for help. In the past year, i had come to understand of my empathic abilities, i am capable of absorbing any energy around me or changing the energy around me just based off my emotion. Honestly it is like a superpower, but it comes with great burdens at times, even though i am blessed and grateful to have this ability, not knowing how to control at this time caused so much physical, mental and emotional changes into my own aura.

As everyone was stressing out, I had ended up absorbing most of their energies that I felt like a moving bag of bricks just coasting through the night, believing it was me having this effect of negative emotions onto myself and not realizing that it was not my own emotions. I remembered that at some point I had started to talk to God, thinking it was my depression kicking in full throttle, I spoke with him inside of my head. “I deserve more than what I allow to receive, I do not need anyone to save me, to be my knight and shining armor, I can save myself, what I really want is an unconditional love apart from my sons, a true love that can never be broken” I laughed and said to myself that does not exist, cynical to the idea I told myself "I do not need anybody, I don’t want anybody because everyone who comes just takes and leave me a shell of brokenness and then I am stuck having to rebuild myself all over again. I don’t want it." feeling this as truth within my entire being I did not expect what came next. God can see through those lies that I believed as truth. *ding* my phone received a notification, curios on who is deciding to text me at 8pm at night I had checked my phone. It was a notification from Instagram, I thought to myself. “Who is this person coming to request to be my friend on my Instagram, I barely use my Instagram” since my notifications preview was disabled i had to physically look at it. I laugh to myself as I saw the person wanting to be my friend “shhmuck”, I say out loud to myself “who names themselves shhmuck on their tag, I must know who this is, their tag made my night, and I deem that worthy of investigation” As I started to creep on his profile I saw a picture of him, I knew of this guy, we went to elementary and first year of middle school together, but he disappeared. In the back of my mind, I had always wonder if he was okay, oddly enough I never understood why, I just assumed it was because I could never forget a face, and his face always showed more of the secrets hidden just like me. But we were never friends, never spoke to one another, but was always aware of each other. Odd. Yet I did not question, I moved forward in my life until now, he had stopped me in my tracks. Instantly, looking through his page I could not help how much I related to his post, his outwardly crazy thought process of life. He understood, he saw with more than just his eyes, and it was so rare for me to find someone with the exact same interest of the truth. I could not help it, I had to talk to him. That night, I had never in my life felt so connected to a being on this planet, he had asked me what I was looking for, and I had replied," I am looking for a connection" not understanding why I said it, I just knew to say it caused an amazing butterfly effect, it was the connection that i had never realized i was looking for. Two peas in a pod, oppositions of two individuals connecting as one, and the more we had talked the more we had wanted to see each other. It was an instant connection and as the days followed we got to know each other on a level deeper than most. What i thought was interesting is that both sides oddly enough had similar circumstances of life, I used to think, “wow what a coincidence, he is living almost the exact same life I was, only difference is that he had a stable career, a stable home and his own vehicle”, honestly none of that mattered to me, but, I did compared that to the life I was living. I did not compare myself in a negative way it had inspired me to want a better life for my own self and showed what it was or what i thought was lacking in my life. He inspired so much passion in me to find what it is that I really wanted, and I never realized how much I was starting to love him.

Not even a month goes by, we finally get to see each other, and as he walked up to my driver side, my heart just activated, my entire being was on fire, and it felt mutual. Honestly i had no idea why i was in such passionate flames, i was so shy but felt so comfortable all at once. We talked nonstop for almost two hours, yet it did not feel like hours, it felt like it was only a few minutes went by, the energy we shared felt so familiar, but my mind was going crazy asking all kinds of questions the entire two hours “why, why do I feel so comfortable? Why does he feel so familiar? What is it about this guy that I love so much? I can’t love this guy I barely even know him !! you are crazy, you are just lonely and you wanting desperately for a partner that is all.” I believed my egotistical mind; it does not make sense for me to like this person so much and not even knowing if he is a serial killer or not. But that did not stop my heart or his and the moment he had grabbed my hands, pure waves of electricity running up my entire being, I no longer felt alone. It scared me, and I quickly retreated, I apologized and said I was not ready, I barely met him, and I did not want to move fast, a friendship is all I wanted. But I could not help it, I had craved his touch again, the entire time I had craved him to be next to me, to be in his presence, yet I pushed away out of fear of the unknown and when I had to go home, i found a way to get that touch i had been craving. I made the excuse that if he were to die on the job for clearing out a break in as a security guard that I should give him hug goodbye just in case, we do not know of what tomorrow is. I remember the smiled he showed me and he said to me "you right" and we hugged. The embracement of our soul was one. Home. I didn’t want to let go, but both of us did, out fear and unknown of what just happened and being rushed to get home. It was ecstasy just to be able to talk to him, yet my fear got the best of me and pushed him away. Now I am here in the darkest pits of my soul looking for the light within myself, who would have thought that losing you was all I needed to be reminded that loving myself through this duality of 3 dimensional being was what I had needed to do all this time, to ground within my own unconditional love and find my way back to the 5-dimensional realm I call home.

This is where the true journey began, the fight for my soul.

To be continued…..