Time for #2

This is the second article on my review of the ideas in The Four Agreements. Here's the first article:

I knew that I'd move forward with this series, but I put it off as Agreement #2 is a big stumbling block for me. I'd like to say I decided to get out of my own way and thus wrote this, but that isn't the truth. (Since Agreement #1 is to Be Impeccable with Your Word I surely need to own up to that)

The truth is that there has been a social media remarking on Memorial Day post shared over and over again the last two days. The post was made by one of the U.S. past presidents. I'm not sharing a screen shot or a link, just quoting the first sentence:

Agreement #2: Don't Take Anything Personally

Taking things personally can also be described as 'personal importance' and reflects one's assumption that 'everything is about me'. A person reveals that core belief by the things they do and say.

That's why this snippet kept jiggling my thoughts. (And, it's easier for me to find faults with others instead of using me as the only example. No worries: I'll do that, too.)

This social snippet starts out with an incongruous but pervasive "Happy Memorial Day", which is surely a symptom of the commercialization of calendar days, ignoring the actual reason the day is set aside at all. That symbolic show quickly morphs into a screed of wounded words, beginning with the appalling 'Human Scum' and devolving into a list of personal injustices perceived by the former president.

It had, other than the Hallmark moment that started the post: nothing to do with Memorial Day. It was, instead, an effective example of someone that takes things Personally.

Taking Things Personally is an Impediment

Not taking things personally doesn't mean you have a low sense of self or no personal power. In fact, it's quite the opposite.

The things others say and do is about them, not about you. Ascribing other's thought, words, and actions to be either against you or for you is giving them power over you. And that power is non-existent.

Regardless of the words of others you are still the same you. Being called brilliant and brave is nice, but it doesn't MAKE you brilliant or brave. You are the same person regardless of what others say.

When we choose to take the words and actions of others as directed towards us, we react, defend, and engage in conflict. Conflict is not the way towards growth. Conflict actually causes suffering, emotional and physical wounds, and stalls growth and connection.

Trauma and Agreement #2

Those with unrealized familial trauma can get hooked by this Agreement: out whole lives have revolved around looking towards others for approval, correction, and validation. The words they said to us matters, because following those words could keep us safe. Safe both emotionally and physically.

We learned that we were 'clumsy' or 'the prettiest'. We were 'the smart one' or the one 'that's just too slow'. We believed them when they said we were a 'drama queen', 'class clown', 'jock', 'sneaky', 'a cuddle bunny', or 'just not good at math'.

Taking those words personally was part of our childhood, and internalizing those descriptions may have become the scripts we use today when we coach ourselves during times of decision and stress. Taking those words personally became our truth.

As children of trauma we may have reconciled the abusive behavior of others towards us as something we deserved, something we brought on ourselves through our own actions. Children understand abuse as less terrifying when they can 'make it make sense', even at the cost of making themselves responsible for it by taking it personally.

That learned behavior can be unlearned. Those scripts can be replaced by the now-adult with the truth: abuse is about the anger and fear of the abusers, not the abused.

Key Takeaways of Agreement #2: Don't Take Anything Personally

• What people say is more about them, their frame of mind, emotions, personality; than it is about you.
• Don't rely on others to validate who you are. Know yourself.
• When you find yourself caught up in the need to be 'right', protesting the words of others: let it go. Let it go is more than a Disney song, it's the way towards true emotional freedom.
• When you find the right thing to say or do, then say or do it. Truth may not be recognized or receive approval, but that is not your problem.
• As writers, write your truth regardless of the number of reads it receives, the depth of the comments, or amount of recognition. If you know it is good: IT IS GOOD.

This quote from the book came to me when reading the 'Happy Memorial Day' post:

Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds…

Taking things personally makes you easy prey for these predators, the black magicians. They can hook you easily with one little opinion and feed you whatever poison they want, and because you take it personally, you eat it up….

But if you do not take it personally, you are immune in the middle of hell. Immunity in the middle of hell is the gift of this agreement.

May we all make use of this gift.

~

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