Into the Pits and Out of the light

The End or The Beginning

Now, I know I ended with the title "Final Chapter?", to be frank, I thought it was the end for me. I know I sound dramatic, "It's just one dude, and there are so many others out there, you are just desperate." and to that, I will say yes, you are right, there are so many fishes in the sea and to be in love with a man that I had known for little over two months is called for desperation, maybe even obsessive at that. But I never said this story was going to make sense, after all, there is the truth and there is the love.

....

I had no idea what the heck hit my entire being during our short time together, but it was magical. Waking up in the morning, my son was my priority, changing his diaper from the night, getting his breakfast ready, and setting him up to watch his favorite show. This allowed me to start cleaning the room and getting the chores done, but before starting the chores I would go to my phone to put on music. I would see your name bubble on my notifications with multiple texts, replying to the ongoing conversation about the universe and the amazing way it decides to show the truth through the most obvious objects of life. My head would start spinning and my heart would just sing, my life felt complete when I would just get an answer from you. Most of our conversations were never dull: even if I did talk a lot from the excitement of learning so much from you, you still had these answers that would put me into another rabbit hole of just wanting to understand more.

For a moment, it seemed like I was addicted to these conversations. I could not get enough of the vibrational patterns of your voice ringing into my ears. I would tell myself "I have to stop, this is not a feeling I should be having, to be addicted is not a true emotion" but in the back of my mind I would ask myself "What is the addiction to this man? am I really becoming that girl who puts everything to the side for him?" When I would question this, I would look around the room. I was putting my son to the side because I allowed him to distract me. I was not spending enough time with my son, I had left my chores halfway finished just to answer this man's text, and if we were on the phone, I would lose track of time. "What is wrong with me? why does the voice in my head ring with so much criticism while my heart just wants to stay in this moment of me and him?"

I admit, I was getting lost. The feelings I had were so much, that it had overridden my entire aspects of life, nothing was real, and everything became such a burden to deal with as a whole. I felt split between a reality I wished I had, and the reality I was stuck in. I guess that is what happens when everything you do in life is based on a mindset of limitation and fear. You see everything as stuck, hopeless, and a burden to deal with.

At first, I was hard on myself, I truly never let myself get so involved emotionally so quickly with a man. I never knew what it felt like to feel deep emotions that reached the depths of my soul, and yes it sounds so dramatic, but I never understood love. I would always focus on the comparison, between me and what people desired. I took the criticisms of exes, of family, of friends, and of teachers as attacks towards my being. To fit in I had to change, what was wrong, too much, or overbearing for others were aspects of myself that I took as negative, and to protect myself from scrutiny and more loneliness, I changed so I could feel loved by those around me. But because I had taken out all the parts that made me unique and myself, I had become a sheep within a society of wolves. At this point all I could ever show and feel was surface.

But he didn't even have to try to be anyone else, he was just himself and that is what got me to this point of wonderland and daydream.

I am used to seeing people open themselves around me, I have been told that I have this comforting energy, and I can see the difference in how people would act around me and act around others. This was a normal Tuesday for me, but for me to open up as the person that I am truly was a rare occurrence very few know of and even fewer see. Everyone sees the one I have created to survive in this world, but the one that hid in the shadows only came out to play when I was alone. It is rare, to feel seen in such a way where you can open up your inner child, the amount of peace and safety you feel to truly live. That was not normal for me, and for it to happen as quickly as it did... I lost all of who I thought I was, all the changes I made to fit in came crumbling down as it was only held by toothpicks and glue.

I judged myself so harshly towards this awareness. I had always been stronger than the emotions I had for people, it was the only way I was able to stay hidden from all. Yet he saw right through the masks'. These feelings, these awareness, caused me to ask "What is going on with you? Are we going to lose ourselves to another man again? It's not like he cares for you romantically you both are just friends! Get over yourself, what if this is like the other times when the men would just put you in a cloud of lust and disappoint you by showing you that he is just using you for your desperation of wanting love, and the body that you have." aggghhhhhhhh the frustration, I could not comprehend this depth of just knowing that this feeling is mutual, without the logical understanding of why.

To be honest with myself, I felt that I was losing my mind, I had so many issues in the past with both my home life and my love life that, I did not know what was real, genuine connection. It had affected my life in a way to where I trusted no one and saw no genuine emotions from people, just the evil of what they could do. Quite frankly it was my fault, for I had lied about who I was, keeping myself small for the temporary feelings of others who never wanted to stay in the first place. Yet with him, it was a different story, I was unable to use my intellect for this situation and this drove me mad.

Life had already seemed like a game of unrealistic expectations, living just seemed such a waste of time and space most days. Yet, none of my experiences affected me to the extent that my sense of self was shattered.

The sense of self; this idea of who I thought I was, the personality, emotions, and belief systems, my ego as a whole broken into millions of shattered glass. This was the moment I understood that this was not a regular man that I had met. No, this man had something special, something like me, but if he was like me, then what I would be witnessing and experiencing the pain and confusion I had done to others as much as the revealing and illumination I had done for others when I did start to become the truth of what I am.

A thought process that was not touched until the day I heard crickets of the dead, as I watched the midnight sky look dim for the very first time in my existence.