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As an introvert - I hate all this attention

By Zawani HamidPublished 2 months ago 6 min read

First of all, I would like to clarify a few things that I said on twitter about the bullying case. When I first tweeted about the topic and use #TheGlory. I was triggered about what actually happened to me in school. Regardless if my classmates and teachers don't remember anything since it happened 15 years ago.

Since my followers on twitter was originally below 600. I didn't think it will go viral. The problem is.....the word is already out and there is nothing I can do about it. I did not say or wish anything bad about her husband. At this point netizens are putting words in my mouth. The only reason I backtracked on cancelling/dragging her is due to her husband's condition which I feel shitty knowing the timing is off. I admit that was a mistake on my part and I apologize for that.

The fact that it happened a long time ago where social media and cellphones weren't a thing. I had no solid proof. When I tweeted about the old Nokia phone, netizens are calling me 50 shades of poor. For the smart ass that said I used a BlackBerry in 2010, what is the correlation when this thing that happened to me in school was in 2007? I already finished SPM in 2009. Your math ain't mathing here.

I still remember being the weirdo who just wants to fit in. I will die trying to fit in when I first got into high school. I didn't know how to differentiate a good friend or a bad influence. The cigarette case is just me being pressured by peers to do something "badass" to get "respect". Being a people pleaser also got me into that situation. I'm scared to say no because I don't want my peers to think that I wasn't "cool" enough. I had genuine fear of missing out and just wanted to feel accepted. Only to realize that I was hanging with a crowd of bad influence. As humans, we learn from our mistakes. If I didn't experience that, how can I learn my lesson? In a way, it shaped me to who I am today.

Come around to 15 years old, when all my close friends moved away and I just accepted the fact that I had no more close friends in school. It's fine, I just mind my own business because I know I'm not cool enough to hang with others. I had low self esteem because I'm so skinny (no appetite), pale (low red blood cell/thalassemia) and overall ugly as hell. But I wasn't trying to fit in as much as I did in the first few years of high school. I'm really quiet as a mouse. Her allegation of twisting the narrative by saying I bullied others is so out of my character. After THE INCIDENT, which was a huge turning point in my life I started to change a bit to improve myself. I refused to wear glasses to avoid looking nerdy so that I won't be bullied anymore. In a way the incident really made me come out from my shell. I started to build a wall to protect my inner self. I know if I don't, people will think that I'm weak and vulnerable. I was so stressed out with the incident at school and I need to study and prepare for a big exam (PMR) and that really caused my health to spiral out of control. I was in and out of hospital trying to figure out what is wrong with me. It felt like I had to carry the weight of the world on my shoulder. I also could not accept the fact that SLE Lupus has no cure, I'm stuck with it for the rest of my life. Imagine being a teen, and had to live with that fact. It's too heavy to swallow. I was mentally effed up at that time, feeling down and asking God why bad things keep on happening to me and what did I do to deserve all this.

When I was 16, I was trying my very best to attend school but at that time I don't feel happy or safe going there. I was barely holding on, half assing on my studies since I didnt enjoy school anymore. Naturally I would give 1001 excuses to avoid going to school. When I finally opened up and told my mom, I begged her to move me to another school, but it was already too late. I have been drowning in my depression, overthinking and have thoughts of ending my life.

Since I never moved houses, trying to relocate to another school was not easy during a big exam year (SPM). I must have a solid reason of why I wanted to move to another school further away when my old school is in my housing area. Thank goodness when I arrived at my new school, everyone was so nice, positive and welcoming towards me.

How can someone judge my life without knowing what I've been through. How can you invalidate my experience. The trauma of that incident is still fresh at the back of my mind and I'm sorry that I cannot let go of it. My feelings are valid. It's not my fault that I'm sensitive. If it hurts, it hurts. Stop all this nonsense with blaming the victim, trying to find fault in my old tweets. If you used twitter before 2010, you would know that people used to tweet dumb things all the time. What do you get from screenshotting my old tweets and taking it out of context. Like the ones saying I like to bully children. Kissing them until they feel annoyed is considered bullying. Why do you take things literally?

I guess some of you have nothing better to do but to bully people online and enjoy telling me to unalive myself. What the hell is wrong with you? What I've learned is when the victim is trying to voice out - the victim will face the same backlash again. I just want to let everyone know that every action has its consequences. I just hope that this will never happen to your children in the future. I'm glad that I'm currently mentally stable now, if not I would just take the netizens advice to end my life once and for all.

I do not know why I feel the need to over explain myself because some people are just blind followers. All I want is an apology regardless if she remembers or not. Is it so hard to just say sorry that she didn't mean to do it back then? Rather than to deny and gaslight me that it never happened.

I'm already sick and dying. My health is declining and I'm not getting any better. I literally have nothing to lose. Feels like I'm on my deathbed, begging to hear an apology.

SecretsTeenage yearsTabooSchoolFriendshipEmbarrassmentChildhoodBad habits

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