SCREAM TO BE SEEN

In my life, there have been hard aches and pains. Sometimes I wonder if I could get past any of the past trauma. Picture this as a baby growing inside a mother's womb. You feel the kicks, and you feel the joy of knowing that you are blessed to have such precious moments of joy as becoming a mom or parent. Well, in my life, I was born into hate, hurt, pain, and not feeling like no one ever loved me, so this is why I am sharing my story. Here we go. How far back can you remember? Mmmm, great question, me as far back as 1 year old. Really, yes, really, I was born in January of 1966. And I would always have nightmares, and I can remember waking up crying or afraid. Well, as time went on, it was my last thought—about my life, but as a child, we can't understand what the feels or emotions of the dreams are. But as time and years went on, things started happening to me. Horrible and bad things, such as physical abuse and sexual contact with family members, were now done by my mom and older sister, and sexually by my sister and boy cousins. My dad always worked. None of the abuse came from him, my father, that is, but I know that abuse comes in different ways. My dad was never home due to having multiple jobs, so I guess some were neglected. I took her frustration out on three of the five children: my oldest sister, myself, and my sister under me. We're our dad's children, not my youngest sister or brother. So as time went on, I no longer wanted to be at home, so I ran away, thinking that things would change, but they only got worse. I was tortured with telephone receivers and sent to bed hungry because I didn't speak up. I felt like I didn't have a voice. I was afraid, scared, and feeling like I no longer wanted to live. Who does this to an amazing, obedient child? Anyone who is sick mentally themselves has been beat by mistake. My oldest would do something, but I got beat, and my oldest would tell the truth that it wasn't me. I hated my life. I'm finding out more things in my life now that I'm 58 years old. The chapter in my book was a plan that God had for me. My plan, I believe, is to be married, have children, and become a motivational speaker. I believe this is my purpose, so as I'm starting this new chapter in my life, I have been thinking a lot because I talk and share things with my doctor's children and others who are going through the same or similar situations. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. I live it daily. Past trauma is so hard, especially for those who truly don't have mental support. It is much needed. I feel like a baby in an adult body that is still running away. Please seek help. Please don't suffer in silence, because it will consume you. I hope that my story motivates and inspires you to get help speaking up. Tell someone that I feel your pain. It hurts me daily to know, and I am still seeking multiple ways of healing from my past trauma. Scream, talk loudly, and open up. Don't shut down. Teach, preach, and speak until you feel that you are where you want to be in your life. After all, we only live once. Let's start grieving to heal.