Why have I never felt loved? My life as a child was filled with sadness. I felt like I didn't belong. I can remember as far back as when I was 1 year old. I used to have nightmares and wake up crying. For a long time, it was a bad dream. Maybe I watched something on TV. But as time went on, I was having these dreams often. I couldn't understand why, but I could remember so much of my life starting to show itself. As I got older, life showed itself to me. So first off, I never felt loved as a child. I was teased for having big eyes. I even had a wooden chair with big eyes written on it. My dad was a hard worker, and my mom was as well, but he was rarely home, so everything that happened, he wasn't represented. This is how my story goes. I beat the torture example. I would get beat up when my siblings were. I've beat it straight out of the bath tub. My mom allowed my oldest to beat me when I ran away because I no longer wanted to live at home. I remember my dad driving me to school, and he would give me bus money to come home. So I would save the money and walk home. I never had a plan, but one day I noticed that I had quite a bit saved up. So I ran home to people that I knew, and of course my mom did as well. I wasn't a bad child. Remember when I said that I was shy and didn't have a voice because I was scared to say a word? These went on about five times. I was even threatened that if it happened again, I was going to get put in juvenile detention. I remember the last time I ran away, it had snowed outside, so I went to a store to keep warm. As life started getting worse, I've been raped by my family. Which one ended up being a police officer later in life? Who has children to miss? Who has children, allowing others to take the youth? All my life, I never felt love until I was eighteen years old. I met the man of my life. God sent an angel to protect me and love me unconditionally. This is something that I never thought could happen. He was a solider. He was strong, and he witnessed something that I had experienced. That's when my life started changing in a direction I never would have expected. At the age of eighteen, he was fifteen years older than me, but he was the love of my life. He protected me and took me away from my abusive life. But it was hard. He helped me escape my abusers and attackers. I never would have imagined that I would be a military wife. I've traveled the world with my husband and children. When I get sad these days from feeling alone, I think about the good times we had together. He is no longer living, and a huge part of my life is so empty. Honestly, I don't think that I will ever find love again. I have four adult children and five grandchildren, so maybe that is the only love I will ever get. I ever said this: I do have love. God's love, my grandson's love, and my granddaughter's love. I'm not selfish, and I don't ask for anything. But have you ever set back and said why?
About the Creator
SCREAM TO BE SEEN
In my life, there have been hard aches and pains. Sometimes I wonder if I could get past any of the past trauma. Picture this as a baby growing inside a mother's womb. You feel the kicks, and you feel the joy of knowing that you are blessed to have such precious moments of joy as becoming a mom or parent. Well, in my life, I was born into hate, hurt, pain, and not feeling like no one ever loved me, so this is why I am sharing my story. Here we go. How far back can you remember? Mmmm, great question, me as far back as 1 year old. Really, yes, really, I was born in January of 1966. And I would always have nightmares, and I can remember waking up crying or afraid. Well, as time went on, it was my last thought—about my life, but as a child, we can't understand what the feels or emotions of the dreams are. But as time and years went on, things started happening to me. Horrible and bad things, such as physical abuse and sexual contact with family members, were now done by my mom and older sister, and sexually by my sister and boy cousins. My dad always worked. None of the abuse came from him, my father, that is, but I know that abuse comes in different ways. My dad was never home due to having multiple jobs, so I guess some were neglected. I took her frustration out on three of the five children: my oldest sister, myself, and my sister under me. We're our dad's children, not my youngest sister or brother. So as time went on, I no longer wanted to be at home, so I ran away, thinking that things would change, but they only got worse. I was tortured with telephone receivers and sent to bed hungry because I didn't speak up. I felt like I didn't have a voice. I was afraid, scared, and feeling like I no longer wanted to live. Who does this to an amazing, obedient child? Anyone who is sick mentally themselves has been beat by mistake. My oldest would do something, but I got beat, and my oldest would tell the truth that it wasn't me. I hated my life. I'm finding out more things in my life now that I'm 58 years old. The chapter in my book was a plan that God had for me. My plan, I believe, is to be married, have children, and become a motivational speaker. I believe this is my purpose, so as I'm starting this new chapter in my life, I have been thinking a lot because I talk and share things with my doctor's children and others who are going through the same or similar situations. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. I live it daily. Past trauma is so hard, especially for those who truly don't have mental support. It is much needed. I feel like a baby in an adult body that is still running away. Please seek help. Please don't suffer in silence, because it will consume you. I hope that my story motivates and inspires you to get help speaking up. Tell someone that I feel your pain. It hurts me daily to know, and I am still seeking multiple ways of healing from my past trauma. Scream, talk loudly, and open up. Don't shut down. Teach, preach, and speak until you feel that you are where you want to be in your life. After all, we only live once. Let's start grieving to heal.
By MONALISA 20 days ago in Confessions
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