I Will Always

Why have I never felt loved? My life as a child was filled with sadness. I felt like I didn't belong. I can remember as far back as when I was 1 year old. I used to have nightmares and wake up crying. For a long time, it was a bad dream. Maybe I watched something on TV. But as time went on, I was having these dreams often. I couldn't understand why, but I could remember so much of my life starting to show itself. As I got older, life showed itself to me. So first off, I never felt loved as a child. I was teased for having big eyes. I even had a wooden chair with big eyes written on it. My dad was a hard worker, and my mom was as well, but he was rarely home, so everything that happened, he wasn't represented. This is how my story goes. I beat the torture example. I would get beat up when my siblings were. I've beat it straight out of the bath tub. My mom allowed my oldest to beat me when I ran away because I no longer wanted to live at home. I remember my dad driving me to school, and he would give me bus money to come home. So I would save the money and walk home. I never had a plan, but one day I noticed that I had quite a bit saved up. So I ran home to people that I knew, and of course my mom did as well. I wasn't a bad child. Remember when I said that I was shy and didn't have a voice because I was scared to say a word? These went on about five times. I was even threatened that if it happened again, I was going to get put in juvenile detention. I remember the last time I ran away, it had snowed outside, so I went to a store to keep warm. As life started getting worse, I've been raped by my family. Which one ended up being a police officer later in life? Who has children to miss? Who has children, allowing others to take the youth? All my life, I never felt love until I was eighteen years old. I met the man of my life. God sent an angel to protect me and love me unconditionally. This is something that I never thought could happen. He was a solider. He was strong, and he witnessed something that I had experienced. That's when my life started changing in a direction I never would have expected. At the age of eighteen, he was fifteen years older than me, but he was the love of my life. He protected me and took me away from my abusive life. But it was hard. He helped me escape my abusers and attackers. I never would have imagined that I would be a military wife. I've traveled the world with my husband and children. When I get sad these days from feeling alone, I think about the good times we had together. He is no longer living, and a huge part of my life is so empty. Honestly, I don't think that I will ever find love again. I have four adult children and five grandchildren, so maybe that is the only love I will ever get. I ever said this: I do have love. God's love, my grandson's love, and my granddaughter's love. I'm not selfish, and I don't ask for anything. But have you ever set back and said why?