reflections on sobriety

it’s been over three years since alcohol has touched my lips. except for in my dreams…i still dream about drinking booze, most often by mistake, sometimes on purpose, and once in a while being tricked into it.

every so often, in waking life, i’m tempted by the thoughts of sipping on nice honey liqueur, enjoying a cold cider on a hot day, or having a few shots of tequila to feel the high that only tequila can offer. it’s hard for me to even include these alcohol names in my writing…on my journey of sobriety, i’ve repressed some aspects of my relationship with alcohol. i think that’s why it shows up in my dreams. i’m still learning how to integrate the parts of me that were seeking the altered states of being, the escapes from my then current realities.

as soon as i chose to stop drinking, many aspects of my life “fell apart”…everything that was no longer aligned with my life path fell away or was ripped from my tight grip. it was a trying time.

relating became much different than it ever had been. there was a richness and a purity in my heart that i’d never felt before.

a sober breakup after a sober love was intense like i’d never quite felt (and i’ve always felt my breakups rather intensely as it is)…yet rather than letting it break me, i let it break me open once again, deeper into another layer of myself.

what i once believed to be self love transformed and i learned to love myself in ways i’d only ever reserved for another. i came to a better understanding of the root of my relational discomfort, the childhood and teenage wounds that kept me caged in codependency. codependency paired with ultra independence is a relational disaster.

as one who chooses not to walk a straight path, i spiral in and out of what it means to stay true to myself. i’ve learned self advocacy and what it means to honour myself so that i can also honour those around me.

i recognize alcohol as one of the savage and numbing tools of the oppressor, and i personally refuse to collude with this aspect of colonialism.

i recognize my sobriety as a tool that assists me in living a life that feels truly aligned and free. free from the the need to self soothe in destructive ways.

i understand the power that can be taken away from me by sequestering my soul to a level of harm that substance abuse entails.

i see the ways i have reclaimed my power by choosing a life that not only allows for the preservation of my innocent spirit, but also allows me to thrive in my natural state.

relating has changed. socializing has changed. i am more attuned to what makes me feel at ease and what induces anxiety and i choose myself and my immediate well being more and more often, letting go of the need to be liked, to fit in or to be understood.

once in a while, someone will ask if i’ll ever drink alcohol again, and i cannot answer that question, all i know is that today i choose not to and that feels the best for me in this moment.

my wish for the world, for humanity as a whole, is that individually we have the support and insight and willpower to make the best choices for ourselves in every moment of our lives, and that we recognize the powers of creation and destruction to be teachers on this great journey of life.