the sacred villain

there isn’t a lot of healthy encouragement to become the villain in our own story. collectively we tend to demonize the villains, yet perhaps it’s both of those energies, the “demon” energy and the “villain” energy that are asking for the spotlight in our integration process.

what if for too long, we’ve given away our inner power through trying to appease those around us, attempting to please our way through life, ignoring or suppressing our authentic expression. maybe this is why we see so many outbursts of behaviour that are “uncharacteristic” and seemingly erupting out of the blue.

what if the villain is a sacred player in our journey towards liberation, both personal and collective. what if what we really need to embrace is the notion that it’s ok to potentially hurt someone else’s feelings by speaking what’s truly in our hearts.

perhaps the villain is actually full of compassion, and it is only when it is ignored or suppressed that it comes to the surface in ways that are more destructive than constructive.

i’ve spent the majority of my life playing small, hiding my emotional expression, denying my true feelings, trying to “keep the peace”. through seeking comfort amidst the chaos, i denied my own reality, and therefore over time, the reality of others.

i unconsciously learned that my feelings were less important than the feelings of whoever was deemed an “authority” in the situation. i never learned that it was safe to say “hey, this doesn’t feel right, can we talk about how things could be different?”.

opinions and questioning were often met with “because i said so” or “because i’m the one in charge” or something similar that didn’t allow room for expression and growth. these kinds of phrases are used to shut down our own sense of personal empowerment (perhaps not consciously, but to make the situation “easier” for the person in charge) and they can stick with us for years, well into our adulthood, trickling into all sorts of different relationships and dynamics.

something inside of me is shifting. i’m becoming more willing to be the sacred villain in my own life story, which perhaps may simply be the villain (sacred or not) in another persons story.

it’s a question i’ve been asked “are you willing to be perceived as the villain in someone else’s story?”…it’s a difficult answer to come to terms with. of course i want people to like me, but no longer at the expense of me liking myself. and how can i truly like myself if a acquiesce to someone else’s needs at the expense of my own?

while still learning that voicing my needs is a valid and important thing to do, and therefore at times still ignoring the expression of them, they can come out in ways that are less than compassionate, potentially rude and hurtful and with more hard lines than soft curves as i so wish them to be. they are eruptive rather than tactfully delivered, and more often than not, coming from a place that is actively emotionally triggered.

so the question i sit with today, thanks to the guidance from a mentor of mine xavier dagba : “how can i let my sacred villain be a valuable part of my life’s expression?”. and upon further reflection, “how can i fully and truly experience love and intimacy if i cannot allow myself the freedom of expression that may potentially (but not intentionally) hurt someone else?”.

i am slowly and deliberately digging deeper into the root system of my people pleasing co-dependency patterns of self destruction and unearthing the potential for greater authenticity and liberation through love and intimacy that can be found amidst the forces of creative expression. you know, just another casual full moon aftermath of internal excavation!