Over the years, I have had to face pressure dead in the eye. That's when "I" realized the overall effects the pressure added to my life. My eyes have felt the sun stare back, and have been blinded by the light. Although, in the darkness the moon luminates in the sky.
At 8 years old I experienced pressure for the first time, when my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had no idea of the load that I would have to bare, but when my mother passed away just few years later my heart literally broke. My best friend was gone, but my dad stepped up to the plate.
It was in 8th grade I learned of "peer pressure" and not having my mom to do intense grilling, my dad fell captive to my spoiled ways. My dad just wanted me to be happy, he wanted me to make my mom proud. He gave me everything, but I still had to maintain my grades and house work. It was dad and me, me and dad. I commend him for trying to raise a young lady, because I know I was not an easy teenager.
Shortly after turning 18 years old, I found out I was pregnant. How do I tell my dad? How will I finish college? So many questions, so many decisions, so much pressure. When I learned I was having a girl, my heart was so full. I knew being a mom at young age meant, sleepless nights and sacrifices. Her first night home I missed my mom so much, because I had no clue on how to be a mom. I soon realized being a mom came natural.
Eight years later, I graduated from The Art Institute with my degree in Film and Video. When I walked across the stage, I was filled with so many emotions. My dad and daughter were right there every step of the way. I never felt so much pride and joy, despite my mom not physically there with me I know her spirit was with me throughout the whole experience.
The 8th month of 2020, my strength was truly tested. My dad, my hero, my strength, no longer had the strength to live anymore. He had already suffered so much after losing both his legs and being diagnosed with dementia. My heart ached the 14th day, because I knew I would never see or speak to my dad again. Since his death, he finds ways to send me messages. I miss him so much, but his death forced me to be vulnerable and strong at the same time.
On the 8th day of January 2021, I found myself in the ER because of LOW blood pressure. My blood was so low, I needed to receive a blood transfusion. We soon learned my three fibroids were literally turning my life upside down. From that date, I would go on to receive 4 iron infusions and two more blood transfusions. Not to mention, I shot my first short film while gearing up for surgery. By September my body was ready for the myomectomy and it would take roughly 8 weeks for me to feel normal again.
There were so many times I wanted to give up. I felt like I wasn't good enough. I felt insecure. I loss friends in the process of finding me. If I gave up, I would have been more mad at myself. I didn't want to live with that regret. I didn't want to be defeated. I wanted to survive. I wanted to grow. I wanted to be a better woman then I was before.
Without the pressure, I wouldn't be Jewels Proctor, Creator and Writer. Without the pressure, I wouldn't have been able to heal from losing both my parents. Without the pressure, I wouldn't have been a loving mom to my 18 year old college student.
Pressure made, makes and is making me Jewels.