Prayers of A Sinner

Prayers of A Sinner

By Rob Smith

A memoir of Sorts

Foreword

Real life prayers I’ve said at random times in my life as I was dealing with some really tough shit. These prayers may seem vulgar at times, rude, or indecent, but real prayer is being vulnerable with yourself to a higher power, and in doing so hopefully giving you the strength to change what needs to be changed.

I’ve said prayers for twenty-four years, and every time I said a prayer, its often helped bring clarity to a situation. These prayers are not well said or articulate. It’s the message of a sinner saying this, God have mercy on me, a giant-sized screw up. It’s a one-way conversation and a hard one to follow at times. This is it, in all its rawness and most powerful form, the truth.

Prayer 1

God, it’s me. What the hell is going on with my life? Why do I keep screwing everything up? Why am I born? Am I a huge mistake? Every time I screw up, are you there watching me fuck everything up? Are you disappointed in me? Have you ever been proud of me? Do you only love me because you love everyone? Have I always been this fucked up of an individual? Is there any hope for me? I guess that’s it for now.

Changed my mind, I guess. Is all my mistakes and sins and fuck ups just culminating from one bad decision that has a chain reaction? Does everything I do have a butterfly effect? Can you let me go back in time so I can fix my mistakes, and right some wrongs? Am I wasting my time, saying empty prayers to a ceiling with nobody listening to me? Are you there and will you answer me? I’ll figure it out on my own, I guess. Thanks, if you are real, if not oh well.

Amen

Prayer 2

Hey God, it’s me again. Rob Smith, probably the shittiest guy that has talked to you in a while. If they are complete jerks and dicks, they probably don’t bother praying at all, so at least I’m still praying. I don’t know if you are real or not yet, still trying to figure this one out. Ever since I was a kid, I believed in you 100%. My whole family has believed in you and prayed all the time, so prayer was as normal as eating fried chicken and candy bars. That’s also the perfect dinner by the way. God do you even eat. Can you eat, and if so, what do you eat? I’m guessing you don’t have too, but maybe you randomly decided you wanted to eat. It’s crazy to think about, if you eat or not. Are you a ghost type being, a spirit, or is there more to you than we know?

I know Jesus was a human, and also part God and came to earth and then died, and then came back and then left again, so I’m thinking in heaven He’s probably got some skin still going on, resurrected of course. To be honest, I got no clue and could be totally wrong. There’s a lot I don’t know, and there’ s things I don’t know I don’t know. Are all the parts of God all best friends with each other? Are you guys all up in heaven just chilling? Do you get tired of hearing the same prayers day after day?

Are you tired of hearing my prayers all the time? I know I would be, but I guess it’s good I’m not God. Well I’ll talk to you later, thanks for listening

Rob Smith

Prayer 3

Dear God, does anyone ever ask you what you are up to? Does anyone ever ask how you are doing? I guess maybe they are assuming since your God, then everything is fine. Does it make you mad, when you see your creation screwing things up? Does it make you regret creating us, the human race? You already almost killed off everyone, with the flood. Maybe you should have killed Noah too and just have been done with us. Wars, drugs, slavery, torture, are all human inventions. So many evil people are in this world, and why couldn’t you have let them die in the womb? If you knew they were going to kill or rape people, or abuse children, why did you let them live? By doing that, innocent people are suffering all the time, and you could have stopped it. What is the meaning of this? After knowing the future and seeing all the pain and sorrow this world has brought on to all its people, was it worth it? Is there life on other planets? Why didn’t you start over? Who was the worst human ever created? Was its Hitler, Nero, Caligula, Stalin, or someone else? Where do I rank in the worst humans ever, maybe somewhere in the middle? Does all the good I do, somehow outweigh the bad? If not, then I’m screwed. I’ve tried to do good a lot, but lately I’ve been screwing up a lot. If you are out there, give me a sign. Let me know you are real. Thanks

Rob Smith

Prayer 4

God it’s me your least favorite probably. I wouldn’t blame you if it’s true. I used to be your biggest fan and we used to be close. I think what happened is when my friend died, when she got killed by a youth pastor, I couldn’t handle it anymore. When she got stabbed repeatedly and was left there dying, where were you? If you are all powerful, why didn’t you stop it? Why didn’t you help? I know the why and the how, but what I don’t know is how you let all this evil in the world, and you let it continue, and it hurts innocent people. Was she a perfect person? Nope, but guess what no one on earth is. I couldn’t believe it, and still can’t. It was my 18th birthday and I went to her funeral. A few weeks later I got drunk and a girl took advantage of me. I wasn’t ready for sex and didn’t really want it. I just wanted to feel numb for a while. But the girl didn’t listen, and she got on top of me, and wouldn’t stop and that was how I had sex the first time. Where were you again? I know I know; it was my fault for being there and letting myself get drunk. But what about the people who get abused every day. Kids, innocent women in the wrong place at the wrong time, what about them? Where are you God? Up in heaven, ignoring all of us it sounds like. I’m angry and I’m seeing stars. I’m finally thinking and not accepting what I’ve been told my whole life. I was raised in the church and now I don’t know what to believe. That’s all for now. I don’t know if I’m talking to you or the ceiling, maybe I’ll never know.

Amen, this is Luke signing off.

Prayer 5

God this is Luke, I think six years later. Guess who screwed up his life a ton. Guess who needs help again. It’s me in case you didn’t know, but you know everything. You knew I’d screw up my life and come running back to you. Its crazy huh, maybe I’m finally realizing that you don’t want to be controlling. If you controlled everything I did, I’d be a robot. If I had no choice, would life even be worth living? Would I even be me and like all the things I like? Guess who made the wrong friends, smoked meth, and became an alcoholic. I did, and by golly it sucked. I studied religions, Buddhism, scientology, Catholicism, and more. None of it really made sense. Nothing in life makes sense, does it. You almost killed everyone in the flood, but you stopped. So, everyone is now related to Noah, a guy who got drunk and passed out naked. He had a few kids, and now some thousand years later, the world is a screwed-up piece of crap. We humans ruined everything, the environment, the planet, everything. We kill animals for fun, for shits and giggles. We torture our fellow humans, we kidnap, rape, abuse, belittle, demean, and it goes on and on. It will never end, until the end of the world. Makes me hate to be a member of this world of evil and sickness and pain and sorrow. Good news is you’re here maybe and have a way out. I can get saved, because I’ve already been baptized. I need to feel something again.

Prayer 6

Hey God, I got a question for you? If you are all powerful and all knowing, then you have the power to stop bad things from happening and also the knowledge of when they will happen. So, with that being said, school shootings and serial killers, and serial rapists, why don’t you stop them? You could give them heart attacks, a brain aneurysm, anything and save countless lives. Yet you sit up there doing nothing. It blows my mind. If I had the power to save lives and did nothing, I couldn’t live with myself. You almost killed everybody in the flood, and now you won’t kill the scum of the Earth. How does that make sense? It doesn’t. I can’t fathom it at all. I get the free choice and all, but shouldn’t there be some kind of boundary at all. A line that once gets crossed, you immediately take care of things. Guess I’ll never know the answer. That’s all I got, I guess.

Amen

Prayer 7

God , this is Rob again. Do you get sick and tired of hearing me whine and complain about my day, when I’m sure many people have it so much worse. How do you listen to ten million prayers at once? Do you have ten million ears? I never understood that. Or how you could create entire solar systems and planets and eco systems, and food chains and the circle of life. Well I got fired for the fifth time. This time I didn’t deserve it, though. I checked my blood pressure one too many times and I guess the manager didn’t like it. I may have goofed off one too many times too, but that’s neither here nor there. Did I blow off my destiny? Can I ever go back to the old me, that one was your favorite I’m sure. I went to church all the time, prayed all the time, and I felt like we were the closest we have ever been. Sorry I ruined that, life I guess. Have I totally abused grace and do I deserve anymore? I wouldn’t think so, and it makes sense. Well it was a good talk, hope you talk back sometime. Robbo out.

Prayer 8

God, its me again. I got married, and probably should have asked you first. Did I pick the wrong person…? probably. Would I have listened to you if you told me not too? I don’t know, maybe not. Damned if I did, damned if I didn’t. Was there a perfect woman for me, or was I too screwed up for one. Am I not meant for love, or was I meant to keep picking shitty people? Am I a shitty person for picking shitty people to date?

Do I attract shitty people, or is its bad luck? Is luck real or just made up? I managed to last six years before we got divorced though. I was a horrible person to her, and I admit it. Did marriage make me worse, or did being married draw out my worst qualities? Sorry for all the questions, I just want to know a few things

Thanks, btw this is me. Rob out

Prayer 9

I been suicidal lately. I don’t know if you noticed lately, but I am. Thought about it a lot, how I’d do it and when. But I realized my whole life I was taught Id go to hell if I did. So that scared me straight, and I was always afraid of messing up trying to kill myself, and have permanent damage. Would I go to hell if I did kill myself? Is there grace for suicide? What about people with mental illness? God why isn’t there a straight answer to anything it seems like? There’s Old Testament rules and New Testament rules, and the Golden Rule. And why do we have thousands of names, found in hundreds of chapters. Do I need to know any of that…. Probably not. Well signing off again, your pal Rob

Prayer 10

God, as you already know, there are like tons of different denominations out there. Assemblies of God, Lutheran, Baptist, Catholic, Mormon, non denominational, Eastern Orthodox, Amish, Mennonite, Seventh day Adventists, and that one church Prince belonged too. Which is the right one God? Joseph Smith said none of them were, but then again he married like thirteen women, so don’t think he’s the smartest of the bunch. I was being sarcastic there I guess. ‘ cults and a hundred different religions out there. Do most of them have at least some truth to them? I believe what I believe mainly due to how I was raised, and that’s everybody, unless they got older and explored something new or maybe they got fed up with religion in the first place. Are they really going to hell for that? Someone who has been treated like garbage or abused or mistreated , how are they gonna believe in a loving God , who let that happen to them. All powerful, but maybe doesn’t care enough to help them through their situation, or maybe he just ignores it. A loving God who encouraged genocide in the Old Testament, and then let his own son die on the cross for us, the people who don’t deserve it. How does this make sense at all? It hurts my brain trying to figure you out. I could spend fifty years studying every verse in the Bible and different languages and translations and still not figure you out. Who are you God, besides the person who made everything? If you knew humans would be so twisted and evil, why did you bother to make us? Maybe you didn’t know , and then when you found out you tried to kill us all in the flood. I don’t know, I wish I did though. Thanks for listening, hope to hear from you soon. Rob smith out.

Prayer 11

Well trying to quit smoking again. You already knew that though, huh. Its my third day going cold turkey. Since you see everything, does that mean in the shower, bathroom, car, ex girlfriends house and so on. Why and uh oh, I’m ashamed of myself. It’s actually been 21 days since I stopped, so I’m doing really good. Are you helping me somehow or am I doing this on my own?