On being Sensitive and Quiet

When I was in the sixth grade, a girl made fun of how I talked, and I was all like, "is that how I really sound?" I decided to make videos of myself talking and I was actually surprised that that is how I sounded. I didn't like how she would mock me and I took that to heart that I stopped participating and made small talk, maybe some would consider it dramatic, or call me very sensitive. I feel that I have accepted the term sensitive to define me.

Why do I cry in my relationship sometimes during arguments? Why do I cry when I am sad and people ask me what's wrong? Why did I let my half-sister insult me and I just stood there and then left crying? I just freeze up, and after those moments that made me cry are over, I just have this feeling of anger and resentment.

All my life I have been told I am quiet, it never bothered me, it's better than being called that annoying person who talks too much. I am actually not ashamed of being considered a quiet person. I did use to think that being quiet meant I would have no friends, but this is entirely a misconception. To me, I am quiet when my heart doesn't feel that I need to speak up, I am quiet because I love the sound of nothing. I love being quiet but I have nothing against loudness. I loved being at the club with my best friend without the need to talk but to just dance and feel comfortable.

Being sensitive and quiet, I realized, does not mean I hate talking, and back then I used to think I needed to talk about drama to make friends, but friendship is all about being yourself and having people love your presence. my mindset back then was that friends would stay by my side if I did not say anything simple about me, and now I find myself talking about many things that do not involve any drama.

Even though years have passed and things have changed, my sensitivity has not gone away. For example, I cannot explain why I was sensitive to this situation, but every single time I would wake up late for elementary school I would refuse to go and when I had no option I would cry so much, the principal was annoyed with me. Why did I get so much anxiety walking in late? I still don't understand why I thought the students would stare at me or make fun of me if I walked in an hour late. Now, if I wake up late for work or college, I have no issue getting ready and showing up, because the reality is that no one really cares, except maybe the bosses, but at least I show up to work without crying, only a bit nervous. Being sensitive has made me vulnerable, but I am not afraid of that because I do not have any shame in expressing my emotions and being honest about my wants, my needs, my desires, and my fears. I can be fully open to someone because I am not afraid of being judged. Being sensitive does not have to be associated with negativity.

For me, being sensitive has made me appreciate the simple things in life, it has made me become aware that I love hard and that it is not wrong to want the same back. I remember how a while ago I told my boyfriend, I am not trying to start problems, but there is no way I will just ignore the small changes I notice in our relationship because ignoring them, in my opinion, can sometimes lead to things that should not be done. For example, one time, my bf did not kiss me goodbye like he usually does before heading out to work; a few hours later I decided to call him and ask why he didn't kiss me goodbye, he told me I should not overthink things and it was just because he was in a rush. I understand sometimes small things should not be a concern, but being a sensitive person, I just have the need to question almost everything because I want to be sure my heart is not being taken as a joke, I want to be sure my boyfriend is being loyal, but of course, I cannot control the actions of someone. My sensitivity does not involve me having my boyfriend's passwords, or going with him everywhere. He is his own person and there will be things we do not have in common, but that should not mean we should try to make each other change, all I want is comprehension and that we value each other's feelings.

It's really annoying when people say a sensitive person is too much, not really, they only say is too much because they do not have any idea how to handle someone like that. As someone said, a sensitive girl cannot be your peace if all you do is cause her pain, if all you do is make her feel unwanted. How can you expect peace in a relationship when you are causing it to fail?

What really bothers me the most is being called crazy, that ticks me off. Being sensitive means being self-aware, and I cannot just bite my tongue when something does not sit well with me, being called crazy by my half-sister for telling her I know I did not steal her card and used her money only demonstrated that she cannot come up with facts, all she can think is saying I am sensitive because I cried when she told me horrible things and she also said she hated me. I was like "why do you hate me?" Apart from that, she did not focus on the one thing that mattered, the whole card situation, all she did is bring me down and that honestly hurt me, and it's not fair at all that my dad said I am sensitive, yet he defends her so much when I explain why I am hurt by her. Whenever I explain why I am a bit resentful, they are all like "oh you're too sensitive," "it's in the past let it go." But literally, my stepmom when she was explaining why my half-sister is the way she is with me, she literally talked about events in the past, and in my head, I was like: "Okay, so it's okay with them, but with me, it's considered being too sensitive; that is not okay with me. I just find it funny how my half-sister, according to my stepmom, resents me just because I said I only have one sister, I did not even remember I said that, and if she was hurt by that, she should have talked to me, she should have been the one to come up to me, because I was the one who tried to continue having that bond with her, but she just pushed me away, and honestly that killed me. Now, I don't even consider her anything.

Being sensitive does not mean I will let disrespectful people come into my life, it does not mean I want to start problems.

I do not have a problem with being sensitive or quiet because I do not find myself being unhappy being those two things.