Why I didn’t want to be a mom

Positive, said the results. My heart started to beat fast as soon as I read those words. I was stupid to have some hope it was wrong because I did a urine and blood sample. I did not want to have this baby, but now here I am, with my beautiful two month old daughter. But before my daughter, why didn’t I want to become a mom?

First, the idea of me being called mom did not please me, I’m not sure why but being called mom sounds like I would not be anything more than that. I felt that being a mom meant no more doing fun things. You can be a mom and still have joy in life.

Second, I felt that I would not be a stable mom, I thought to myself that if I ever had a child I would refuse to take care of it, that I would just prioritize my own needs. I thought that if I was ever dumped by my boyfriend I would end up resenting my baby but being a single mom does not mean I should be miserable and that I don’t deserve to be loved. I’m so thankful to have my boyfriend by my side, but if I were in a situation where I was a single mom, I would look at the advantages of it. Being a single mom means developing a stronger bond with your children, it means deciding how you want to raise them, it means spending quality time with them.

Third, I was afraid that being a mom would mean I have to quit my passion, that I would need to leave college because I can’t pay tuition, loans, and then pay a lot for what I need for a baby. I did not want to spend hundreds of dollars on diapers or wipes.

Fourth, judgement, people will always have something negative to say, I did not want to hear anything about my life being over or that my life will now be boring because of my baby, I did not want to be criticized on how I raise my baby. I’m also irritated sometimes with the comments my sister in law says, such as my daughter crying all night because I decided to give her formula only, or that I’m not feeding her a lot. Even though I get annoyed, I do not give her a reaction. Instead I try to answer maturely, I tell her that a baby will cry an awful lot no matter if they are drinking breast milk or formula, and I let her know that crying does not always mean hunger.

Fifth, I look way into the future. I’ve seen movies where the relationship between parents and their children are healthy and movies where the relationship between them was toxic. What if my daughter grows up to hate me, what if my daughter becomes a spoiled brat? What if I waste years of making sure my daughter is successful and has everything she needs only for her to end up in prison for commuting horrific crimes? I have seen on the news stories about daughters and sons who committed crimes and they had a good life. But now I understand that being a mom does not mean being okay with what your child does just because you are blood related. You can still love your children and at the same time not accept any actions that are considered horrible. If my daughter were to ever be a bully, I would still love her and at the same time I would have a conversation with her about why she should not make other people feel miserable.

But the moment I held her in my arms, I was happy to see that she was fully well. I learned the patience a parent needs to take care of a child, I learned that changing diapers or preparing a bottle is not complicated at all. I realized that the people who supported my pregnancy, were the same ones who gave me advice and tips when I needed some help on making sure my daughter was okay. One example of this was when the first time I gave my baby a bath, she cried on top of her lungs, and I could not handle it that I decided to rush her bath time. My sister in law told me to talk to her to keep her calm. So when I was ready to give her a bath, I made sure that the bathroom was not cold, then I placed her in her baby bath, but this time I wrapped her in a towel. I began to pour water in her body and talked to her. She just smiled and I loved seeing her be calm and not be scared. I wanted to let her know that while she was with me that no harm would happen to her, that while she was with me she can trust me.

Even though she was not planned, I am never going to give her away because she is my beautiful rose.