My Year of Grief and Cancelation.

I am standing in this room wondering what comes now. I know I have to help her but I just don’t know how. All the times I’ve been told about the way her illness goes but the truth of it is no one really knows. Every day the act gets more and more absurd. All of the fear that sits inside me screaming to be heard. I know they won’t though not a single word. I was there at her side. When she called When she cried. How could she leave me here alone? Will she stay sober this time, there is no way to be sure but I’m weary to the bone. Whenever she goes “flying” I keep both feet firmly on the ground. Now I need some help and there is no one around. I never had to face life without her at my side. Now I’m walking right beside her as a black hole opens wide. Mine is just a slower death. I’ve been there for every high and every low but it’s the worst it’s ever been. she’s been hurt but I can’t give up now. Cause I have never been alone.

She never meant to make it such a mess. We never thought that it would get this far. Now she just stands there sorry thinking for something to say, anything to say. There is nothing she can say. We never had the type of dads who stuck it out. that’s not a worthy excuse there is none. Nothing can make sense of the things she’s done. Sometimes you see what you wanted and sometimes you see everything you wish you had but it’s right there in front of you and you want to believe it’s good. so you make it true. The drugs didn’t heal she just couldn’t let that go. She couldn’t give that up. Learning more about my bio mom didn’t change that much. I was never mad at her. If anything I am now more mad at my biological father than I was before. Nothing she did was ever good enough to make him happy. I guess he gave her what she thought she deserved but it was going to kill her if he ever raised his hands to me. I do feel strange when I think of it. I am truly happy for the life I have but how different my life would be if She didn’t give me up.

She was just another unwed mother. The story ends in total damage it’s an unforgiven world. She was 17 how should she manage? She was just a little girl. Should she try to follow someone else’s vision or trust her own? Was she supposed to love that child is it really just that simple then? She didn’t know who to tell or where to go. She desperately wanted someone to tell her mother that now she was all grown up. She did what she thought was best for me aswell as herself.She has a lot regret about leaving or giving me up. I never once blamed her. She was just a kid herself, married to a monster. no one faults her on that. When she told me the whole story I felt like throwing up. I could see it on her face it was rough left a bad taste on my tongue. I couldn’t blame her for chasing drugs. She waited 25 years blaming herself. all of the time she was waiting for me to forgive her. There was nothing to forgive. She did the best she could with what she had.