My Brain is Broken

Having unipolar mania is quite a different experience that most people can't relate to. No matter how bad my reality is, I feel I live a utopian existence. I have a load of credit card debt, many, many, isolated friends that I refer to as the island of misfit toys, and a below average wage earning job, that in many ways is demeaning to me, but I love every minute of life.

The reason I love my life is because I'm currently sober, single and sexy. The only thing tying me down right now is my credit card debt. I have no drugs in my system, no man to worry about, my kids are grown and successful, and my parents are long since deceased. It sounds depressing on paper, but my mania tells me that I'm on a permanent vacation from anxiety. No anxiety almost ever..doesn't that sound fantastic? In fact, I've decided to stay single for a while, probably longer, because no one would be able to put up with living me, and I can't handle living with people that aren't in perpetual motion. I'm trying to write a New York Times Bestseller quality book - everyone needs to be as ambitious as me, damn it.

Upon reflection, the only depressive episodes I've ever had, were due to the men in my life. In high school, it was an unrequited crush. In my forties, it was due to a loveless marriage. In my late thirties, it was due to the death of my mom whose life was destroyed by my dad. Three depressions in my ENTIRE existence, and all three were from men. To be bi-polar and have only lost time to three depressions is astounding. I'm 51 now, and I'm as close to normal as I've ever been - or ever will be.

I'm not trying minimize mania. Mania is quite destructive. I've lost jobs due it, developed a drug and alcohol problem, lost a husband and almost my kids, and chronically abuse credit cards. I've decided that I will not have credit cards again in the future. I clearly cannot figure out how to use them properly.

Another reason I am happy is because I am in my fifties. There is a wisdom in old age, and I have no baggage anymore after years of therapy. I have put myself first - and that has made me the happiest of all. I have made peace with my bi-polar existence. More than peace, I am a bi-polar warrior, a bad ass bitch, who gets up every day to fight this infernal illness. (I don't feel like a bad-ass bitch, but hopefully I can will that feeling into existence if I keep myself that).

I feel like I probably have one of the more unique brains on the planet. I started a dictionary (yes, a dictionary) of all things called Metropolitan Jargon, from all the words I have made up over the years. I earned a perfect score on my master's thesis because my father taught me how to do statistics by hand. I can't balance a checkbook, but I can write a dictionary and calculate stats. I'm a genius with a self-esteem that could fit inside of a thimble.

Just like Alice in Wonderland, I have six impossible ideas a day. If your bi-polar and reading this, you may have this trait as well. I'm still getting used to letting my brain wander through the ideas. My co-author to the book I'm writing says that some mornings, I explode like fireworks. I wake up wanting to change the world, wanting to be six different careers. The tough part is focusing on what I want, what is realistic. In short, my brain is part Albert Einstein, part Alice in Wonderland, and part Urban Dictionary. And 100% broken, but we are all broken, just in different ways.

I've always been the odd man out, and I always will be. The universe I have created for myself is peaceful and utopian. I'm done chasing anything, jobs, romance, friendships, being a fashion plate. I'm done chasing anything that is not for me. I have found that there is an unexpected joy in an ordinary life. Realistically, you will have about a dozen "sparkle days" in a year. Don't spend gobs of money and shag loads of guys trying to create a sparkle day. Create your happiness - water your flowers, not your weeds. You'll thank me for it later.