Memories: 10 April 2023

10 April 2024

I had a lovely day. I made my daily vlog. While doing that my postman arrived with a parcel of lovely toiletries gifted me by Jackie Burns. He walked through my gate, carrying the parcel, then walked back to the gate to close it. I told him he need not worry so much about closing the gate as my dog had died last August. But I thought that was such a caring respectful gesture.

We had a chat about the grief we suffered over our dog’s deaths. His dog was killed by a hit and run driver. Awful. He’s a lovely man. He told me he “knew” something had happened to his dog and ran out to search for him.

I told him “You are Māori and your people are a very spiritual people. Also it is common to have strong telepathy with our pets. You getting that instinct that something was wrong, was your dog’s spirit telling you he had passed. They “talk” to us. He seemed comforted by this.

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Watching “Testament: The Story of Moses”. Interesting.

10 April 2023

10 April 2021

Pain in my lower jaw. I think I am brewing another abscess. But it’s in the bone as there is no tooth where it hurts.

When will this evil shit ever ever end?! No wonder I have been feeling crazy and fatigued lately: staving off yet another infection!!!

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10 April 2020

11:11 pm my angels send greetings of love and light, joy and healing and triumph over adversity to all who wish to receive them with open hearts and open minds. Blessèd Be.

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I had another great evening, dancing with my Ecstatic Dance friends on Zoom. Bobo played ball but actually danced with me on two occasions. He has to want to. But he growls and snarls when he wants to be put back down on the floor.

Weird little dog but he is getting used to the Ecstatic Dancing with his Mama T. (He used to dance with me at the Byron Bay drumming circle when he was still a very young dog!). I miss that actually. But I am not going to force him to dance with me if he doesn’t want to. Body autonomy, free will and #consent even for my pets. Lol.

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N’inquite pas, ma Cherie. Ma plus Belle Dame sans merci. J’ai coeur, d’accord.

“Peutêtre...oui or non”. Tanya est fatiguée. Bon nuit!

...Auf Deutsche....Blödsinn.

Gute Nacht. Alles gute. Keine Ahnung.

Sie gesund! ;-)

French: (Don’t worry, my dear. My most beautiful lady without mercy. I have heart, of course. “Perhaps..yes or no”. Tanya is tired. Good night!)

In German: (Nonsense…Good night. All good. No worries. Be well!)

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10 April 2019

I have lived alone for almost 13 years. Well, without humans. I always have had my animals and the spirits and the garden of course. But after 13 years of living on my own I doubt I could ever cohabit ever again. It is nice to be free to do whatever I please (within the constraints of my poverty) and not feel controlled or trapped by other humans.

However I have been missing that ignoble Englishman for 2 weeks. No idea what that is even about. He never made a commitment to be a partner in any way. The final death knell to any hope of even remaining friends was when he manipulated George and in early January shoved my ex traitorous friend Sarah in my face. I had to remind myself that water (or in their case, stinking bilge effluent) finds its own level.

So I am trying to figure out why I still love him with such ferocious intensity. A man that was so cruel.

Maybe I am picking up on his own regrets or grief or sorrow. But I doubt it. I am just trying each day to purge any residue of love I have for that man out of my body, mind and spirit. But some days he is so strongly with me. Like we are almost one being. It sounds crazy. Maybe I have finally gone crazy. That must be it.

Anyway, I am not really alone. I have beautiful friends who have loved me no matter what, no matter how long I have pined for false men. Even that powerful love surging through my heart- that was an illusion - has kept me in a state of flux and flow and a siren song of naked Hope that one day, I will be loved by a partner.

But that might never happen in this life. I have to make peace with that. True love, passion etc might only ever be a mirage for me. So on I go, dancing into the night. Joyously and triumphantly reclaiming my beauty, strength, honour and freedom. In the face of my enemies and false friends and former lovers.

They will never comprehend who I am or what it took to remain alive and free. They lack the heart and soul. It’s not their fault. It’s their programming. Desire for empty fucks and engorged greed. Duplicitous, competing, gravel-rashed seeds of hatred.

I will heal. I am healing. One day I will barely remember his face. Or his touch. Or the deep soul awakening spawned by his contempt and lacklustre failures to be my man. I suppose I can be grateful for that. The kick that reminded me that I was not put on Earth to succour men and participate in my own debasement. Every time I rose up from my own woundedness. Rose up and shone.

One day I will keep rising and never come back to Earth. What a blissful day that will be?!

I miss him. I miss the life I could have had if I had been loved. I miss then, Nothing. It was not real and therefore of no consequence. But oh how we build our lives on shattered broken mirror shards of dreams and quests and romantic ideals. A refraction, a reflection and often a deflection.

Nup. I have only myself to look into. To truly see. That love that burns and boils like a furnace of fiery obliteration? It must be tamped down as the heat and the longing is slowly killing me. But...I know. I know. It will flare again and again. In a memory. On a sweet hypnogogic beat.

My love is real. It belongs only to me. My precious. I look forward to the sweet calm of a safe harbour somewhere. Perhaps in another paradigm. Or right here and now. Breathe. Be. Live. Delight. Hold on through weird emotional storms.

So many envious people thwarted my Love. Turned it sour with their lies and treachery. So now...the karma is theirs. I hope one day they know what they have cost me. It’s an agony without respite.

But I float like a butterfly and sting like a bee, howl like a wolf and sing like a tuneless Siren to depth-sound my spirit in all worlds. I am my own Becoming. I no longer fear it. Here I am. Always will be.

Update: 2020

Psy sighs. Sirens... have been rather a theme this evening. On tv “oh brother where art thou?” And on an illustration group page. Hmmm what news from the watery subterranean depths...Sisters?!

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10 April 2017

....And she walked the length of her days under Australian skies. She stood tall and proud in her own integrity. She gazed at every man, woman and child, right in the eyes and wryly noted whom withered under her direct stare. The false ones and the weak, the liars and the cheats dared to stare back to hide their atrocities but the reptilian shields did little to hide their darkness and hate and envy.

She grieved and mourned and almost wasted away her blood-soaked heart but each time she rose up and blossomed again in her Tree of Life under the stars and moon of Southern skies.

She bloomed in a thousand ways on a myriad of different days. She shed the past tormentors like a dead and decrepit skin.

She found Love and Devotion in good people who never had plumbed the depths or scaled the heights of their souls until they met her. She succoured those who had the courage to Love her and she learned to cherish her own mortal gifts hardwon on battlefields of incomprehensible horror and use them to ennoble herself and others.

She stopped questioning her existence or her destiny and let life enfold her in precious and beautiful ways and learned to express her truth not only in words and deed but in spirit and mind, wordless, guileless and immutable.

She was betrayed and humiliated by those who could not bear her joy, her fecund flowering or her light. She learned to release these beings who were not acclimatised to her essence. They had not had the travails or the blessings to walk beside her or uphold her as some rare and beautiful Soul-kin had done.

She walked her days and danced her nights. She flew on invisible wings, she swam in vast meteoric oceans. She lay down in meadows and she climbed painfully and painstakingly from every filthy craggy abyss she fell into on her hero's folly.

Tired of climbing and fighting and striving she closed her eyes and let out a primal Scream That was the Aleph or the Aum, according to your traditions. "You shall not Die but Live" even in the pits of deepest bile and human excrement, in poisonous wastelands of misbegotten callow cowardice and war-mongering.

They soiled her vagina and stabbed her heart, they plucked and feasted on her visions and her promise. But still she rose. Womb-less, her very core torn asunder by men's lust and births and re-births.

She rose up again. A new creature: disabled and dismembered. But healed. A shield maiden. A Warrior of Love so strong and so fierce that she feared her own Self.

She went out into the world of Men and enlightened the lost and the weary, the beautiful and the Wild. Her laughter rang true and profound and inspired the forgotten to find their own smile and truth.

She was Seen by those who knew Love and Unseen by the superficial and the false. She accepted the great gifts of their ostracism with grace. Only a warrior of Light can stand alone in her own space and remain fearless. They came to conquer her but could not. City Angels and delusional men fell at her feet.

The Holy One did not betray her, or leave her, even in her darkest hours and most desecrated sullied befoulments, there was G-d. Holding her precious and leading her forward.

Forward and beyond. To a life that will always be Happy Ever After. With or Without You but never forgotten or alienated from the Source.

Blessed Be the strange, the uncherished, the great and powerful castaways of a sick perverted society. May you find your own Strength and manufacture your own Peace and may we find each other and commune in joy and laughter and a Great Love that is pure and eternal. A healing for all beings that need uplifting and an enrichment of the noble and brave souls that never gave up on themselves or on Life.

Emet!

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Chag Pesach Sameach! Happy Passover which begins at sundown tonight!

May our ancient people continue on the path set before them in Egypt to Freedom from oppression, hatred, poverty to co-create a world that healed, Free, Blessed, Joyous, Abundant, Loving, and Just and Peaceful.

May the Eternal light that brought miracles and faith and beauty to this planet, that seeded us here, work with us mere mortals to bring Tikkun Olam (repairing of the world) for us and our progeny. May all wars cease and may prosperity and good health, human decency and Love prevail from now until eternity. Let the darkness of our past be a distant memory- never forgotten but never to be repeated.

Let those of us who have survived wars, holocausts, dire poverty, slander, betrayals, neglect, sexual violence, attempted murders and just plain racism/misogyny/bigotry keep the memory of those who were spurned/spat on/denied safety and honour, hold the standards of morality and human kindness as the highest ideals and daily example of living free and well so that we shall know peace, truth, beauty and a sustainable future for all of life on this planet. Amen v'selah!

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A huge thank you to Sally, Jarrod, Jenny, Karen and Lyn who utterly spoiled me with awesome foodstuffs (and lots and lots of chocolate, and wine).

Sally bought me an enormous amount of food today. I am so thrilled. She bought me a lamb roast so I am cooking that tonight!

Thanks so very much my beautiful generous friends. Love and blessings of Passover/Easter/Ishtar to you all. xxx

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10 April 2016

4.37 am home from a big night dancing to Mission X. I came home at 3.45 am as my asthma was playing up too much. I had a great time hamming to all the hard rock songs.

Now my feet are killing me. Glad to be home again to rest.

10 April 2015

9.33 am utterly exhausted. Can I sleep? Nuh uh. Lying here, listening to Sock's feline melody. He is snoozing happily at my feet. Typical male. He hasn't slept on my bed for a week or so. He thinks it's well, counting of the Omer.

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Yessss! We are caretakers for the generations to come after us. The land owns us, our ancestors and our descendants. Gaia gives and gives and gives. Like all mutilated, beaten and abandoned mothers she weeps.

She never gives up on herself, or the ecosystem. She will create life over and over again. She knows no other way but to breathe, release, recreate.

We humans need to honour our only true Mother more. Plant a tree, plant a forest and live to and for, Love. Walk barefooted on her skin, feel her singing flow through your veins and energy meridians. Sing her, dance with her.

She turns pain into ecstasy. Brings destruction and is reborn. Survives to thrive to give perpetual life, with her parents, Father Sun and Mother Moon and all the celestial bodies, her brothers and sisters. We are the Macrocosm and microcosm. We are all inter-connected. Feel it! Be it! Hear it! See it and be blessed!

Like MacDuff in "That Play", I was not born of woman but from her flesh untimely ripped. But I was conceived inside a female form and contain myself what is left of my female form.

A woman who does not Know Gaia does not know herself. You must Kiss the Hag to encounter the true beauty. Face fear, derision, hatred to rise against evil.

To live free you have to, at some point in your Gilgulim, have fought for Freedom! For eventually we all return to our One True Mother. She will know us again, as we are her creations.

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In this moment, this miracle, this silence, this clarity. I choose to Be. Happy. Free. Me!

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I wasn't born a trauma patient. Well, actually I was, as I was a Failure to thrive baby after experiencing the sounds and emotional affects of my mother's constant verbal violence with my father, while I was in utero.

8 months of that shit meant I spent my first 6 months Projectile vomiting ( Reflux)! The verbal violence continued unabated for another 8 years. During that time there was physical violence as well. I was regularly slapped in the face.

To the point my Paedophile god-father "Uncle" Trevor (Singh), who molested me from 6-to almost 8 years of age, actually told my mother to stop being slaphappy as she would damage my teeth. He was right! I got my first abscess in my front left incisor at 13.

I was also molested by my new de-facto step -father Cees Van Der Greft when I was 9. I was also molested on the ship voyage to Europe on the Fairstar by a steward. I had just turned 8. My mother invited my abuser to my birthday party. He gave me a Gonk.

I was so distressed when we crossed the equator en route to Lisbon I came down with a strange skin rash. The ship's doctor did not know the cause. I had an accompanying fever.

I slept with my head against the tour bus window through the entire tour of the hills around Lisbon, for which I was slapped for wasting my mother's money on the expensive tour. Lmao! I was the eternal Schmuck that could never win!

So yes! At times I may seem Crazy to those of you who don't understand and thank G-d have never experienced decades of trauma.

Especially trauma that was impregnated into my infant, and later a small child's brain. The trauma continues. It is the Gift that keeps giving.

Please don't assume I am crazy though. I am unusual. Unique! I am not alone in this particular strain of eccentricity. Most trauma sufferers (some enjoy it, aka develop full-blown Borderline Personality Disorder and or Psychopathology) have done anything to survive!

Most of us were not born this way! We were created unequally, unjustly and have tried to cobble together our psyches over most of our lives.

The fact is that some continue to strive for Righteousness, to continue to love in the face of evil, in my case I loved and supported and nurtured my own abuser, my mother even in the last 18 months of her life.

I honoured that mother like no other. I gave her the best funeral and how I grieved, far too long for someone who had undermined me, called me insane, stupid and physically, mentally, an enabler of sexual abuse and financially abused me all my life, even at the end of hers. Yes, she still managed to steal 2 and a half more years post her death with that horrific will dispute.

But I am not Insane, or stupid. I struggle to live my life, apparently still surrounded by more enemies than the average person.

Why am I still alive and kicking? Why not? I tell you why! I will never ever let my own family of origin or my latter abusers WIN. They might have my rightful inheritance, and/or sit in luxury homes, they might have loving close families and they might be "polite respectable high-calibre" citizens bemoaning the fact that if only Tanya had not wasted her mind, what she might have achieved?!

I have not wasted my mind. (Been out of it a few times, or beside myself!) but I am a good, kind, decent person. I live by my own rules but I do not willfully hurt anyone. I don't have money through no fault of my own but I have deep intrinsic Value that noone can take away from me, except by Death. Things I had to earn on the threshing floor of my life.

I am grateful to my friends and supporters over the many years who loved me and cared for me to get my kids and myself (eventually!) to a place of safety and serenity and who even have helped me with gifts and loans.

It takes a village to raise a child, and it took an entire government to raise and provide for a trauma patient. Up until 2005 when I was finally given my pension. That government support was very minimal or largely non-existent.

It has only been in recent months, when I have been in reasonable danger that I have discovered Queensland Police to be supportive and to actually listen to me and "protect and serve" me. This is after 27 years of when I was in severe danger, being ignored or written off as crazy.

You have no idea how many women in domestic violence situations, in pubs and clubs, share that particular trauma. Not being assisted or worse, not being believed. End of Rant!

I will be 50 on Sunday. New decade, new life, new perspectives.

Hopefully the dead albatross has rotted into the ship-boards or some worthy sailor has kicked her free, and I will have a happier, more serene life. Enough, already.

Let the next Adventure Begin :-)

I might Still Fail to Thrive but by the gods and all that is and will ever be, thanks to the Holy One who carries me aloft with our fucked-up sense of humour and our joie de vivre, it sure as Heaven and Hell isn't for Lack of Trying.

G-d Bless and Good Luck. (oops, spitting Angel Feathers as I speak), tarred and feathered but blessed!

It will all make sense in the end!

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Tonight I found out that someone has been lying and manipulating me with my trauma issues and genuine concerns re: a member of our community who is an alleged Paedophile. This person called my shul to complain about me. I am distressed and confused. I have not Publicly Named and shamed him.

I think there is something very suspicious going on. Those friends of this person will now be removed from my friends' list. I simply don't trust any of you to have integrity with this issue. To demonise me for fighting for the rights of our community's children is abhorrent and disgusting.

I will move on from this issue. I have suffered enough pain with being unable to get the person who disclosed to me, to approach the CMC and deal with this issue via appropriate channels.

My hands are tied. I am tired of evil bullshit and being demonised for speaking out about this important issue.

Nothing more can be done but WAIT! The Truth will Out and I hope and pray any other victims (if indeed they exist and I have not been played for a fool or used as a pawn in someone else's Perverse evil game) will come forward and report.

Justice, justice shall we pursue! Albeit I have never ever gotten any! Fuck my Life! Fuck the System and Fuck the pieces of shit still trying to destroy me for being a good and decent person, (potty-mouth et al! :-) )

Victim/alleged perpetrator. The Dance is the same!

The victimised and the falsely accused bear the same damage. If I had thought for one minute this person was completely innocent I would not have spoken out.

But to say nothing and hope there are no more victims is just as Dangerous and reprehensible. I am sorry if this person has indeed been falsely accused. I was not his accuser. I merely brought awareness to the fact this situation needs to be monitored and dealt with.

10 April 2014

Happiness is a surprise visit from my daughter Crystal and my grandson Ramon the Rare Qld Rabbit. He and I had epic cuddles and then to his horror, Crystal and I clipped his nails.

He quickly forgave us though. He was very smoochy. Even Penny said Hello. Socks and Sophie didn't meet him, and as Socks is still very angry with the move, that is a good thing.

My life is full of fur babies, and I am as happy as piglet in mud, only slightly more Kosher.

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I slept most of day on and off but had major restless leg syndrome so was kicking too much. I should have taken Seroquel as it knocks me out. I was still awake at 6.30 am. Woke at midday then went back to bed around 2ish.

I got up again in late arvo and cut down the long grass growing up underneath my jade tree. It looks much tidier now. My body craves exercise now. I would go to Irish Murphy's to go dancing but broke and want to save up my energy stores for friday and saturday nights. My birthday on Saturday so I will definitely want to go out that night.

10 April 2011

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10 April 2010

I am thrilled to announce that my happy day was made even more magical this evening when mother and daughter opposum visited my front door hoping for some food. I had to entice the younger smaller female opposum off my front screen door with Apples as she was afraid of the dog, to get her to jump back on my veranda balustrade. She actually ate out of my hand, the dear!

It's been a week or so since they last 'knocked' on my door asking for a nosh. What ingenious little creatures! I forgive them for eating all my strawberry seedlings! My only worry is, if my door had been open, they would have rampaged through my house for sure, as one did recently to my friend Jarrod. I am amazed that the mother possum trusts me with her baby though. Most unusual behaviour for wild animals indeed.

I guess I have been 'adopted' as a surrogate source of food for my possum family ie being 'used' in the manner that my cats do. But who am I to refuse a meal to such hungry little visitors? They must have worked out that I feed my aloof cats in spite of how little they actually appreciate me and figure I'm fair game LOL...so now I am the Opposums' favourite Pet. And loving it!

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Today was a lovely day! I felt relieved and happy for the first time in a long time and had some lovely quality time in the morning, shopping with Jarrod, then in the afternoon, walking at West End with Courtenay and Bella, and a lovely evening talking with Gail. Life doesn't get much better than having one's friends and lover spend quality time with one. Awesomeness!

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Sounds interesting...I have been ill for decades and basically did get smacked over the face and head a lot by my mother and then as a teenager fell off my horse a lot and smacked the back of my head. So yeah I'm lucky to have any brains, emotions, intellect and self esteem left LOL (Apart from all the varied and regular forms of abuse, depression and suicide does run in my family history so all in all it's not a good picture.)

I adore my psychiatrist. He's an elderly, kind man who works for me, the individual, and not the State. A modern day Saint in my opinion as it is so hard to find someone, especially a doctor who is willing to fight for, support, believe in and genuinely care for their patients.

My GP, on the other hand, is all about the money and the time frames and actually kicked me out after my last appointment cos I was overtime and told me to make more appointments to address the other medical issues. (So plainly I could see who she is working for and it certainly is not, I her patient).

My psychiatrist....I can trust implicitly. That is a wonderful thing, to have found someone like that.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons