LIFE IS A ROLLERCOASTER

Wow, is it normal to forget entire events in your life? Work has been slow today, so I decided to revisit one of my favorite pass-times. I’m actually at a loss for words because of how much my life has changed and how much has remained the same. There were several times where I caught myself not breathing because I was like, “wow.. that happened,” or “I forgot that I felt that way in that instant.” It makes me wonder if the mind suppressing these memories is something that is done so subtly so we don’t go completely “bonkers.” That word has to be one of my favorites from Alice in Wonderland, the live-action version. Anyway, as I was going through this blog, my first thought was, ” I never realized how much I wrote.” Then I started to tear up as I went through the entries because I know the love that I experienced was real. I think that’s where I should start.

This will serve as a more “conscious ” evaluation of my past events.

My first long term relationship was love in the beginning. Maybe those reading this or those that ask me about my past feel like I should erase it from my mind, but I believe that every experience that I have encountered has shaped the individual I am today. The past is for learning and growth. So as I was saying, the first relationship was love. They were two souls that had many similarities and differences, but that would do anything for one another. There was passion and understanding, in the beginning. In all honesty, here is why things went wrong. My other half, at the time, was dealing with insecurities and instead of confronting those insecurities, he chose other outlets to mask them. He also didn’t have an honest relationship with his parents and maybe it was because he was afraid of their disapproval. That’s something I never got an answer to. It was a question that got deflected, but was a serious issue when it would get back to me that his mom thought I wasn’t “good enough for him.” She and I didn’t have the best relationship either because she was overprotective of her son. Oh well. In regards to the masking, on several occasions in our relationship, this guy cheated on me with various girls. This was something that happened over multiple years and I was honestly so in secure with myself that I took him back every time and forgave him. Convincing myself that there was no way it could happen again. Things would be different next time. They didn’t get better though. After I graduated college, his insecurities snowballed even more because he was uncertain of what his educational future would look like. This resulted in more “masking” and eventually he cut me off and told me he wanted to see other people. That didn’t stop the reaching out though. A few months later he told me he was seeing someone, but would invite me over to his apartment in Riverside to hangout. It was as if we resumed our relationship. We went out on dates again and spent time together. Then the girl he was talking to reached out to me and asked if he and I were still in contact and I told her we had been. She thanked me for my honesty and then I assume ended things with him because then he cut things off for good with me. This relationship started in high school and ended after college. If there is one thing that I’ve learned, it’s that MOST guys take forever to mature.

After the relationship came to an end, I tried “dating”. I put it in quotes because it mostly consisted of talking to guys on social media, but I wasn’t feeling it. I had been out of “the game” for so long, it was like I forgot what I wanted in someone. It’s almost as if I forgot what I enjoyed because I was so preoccupied trying to keep this individual happy. Anyway, that leads to my next relationship. Well I consider it a relationship because we did everything couples do together. It just wasn’t official. My light in the dark, from my previous posts, was my next relationship. Coming into my life when I needed him most. He is one that I have felt love for since we were five. He was there to listen to me sob and complain about my ex. He showed me new experiences that made me appreciate the world a little more. It’s just crazy, there are multiple moments that I can reflect on now that feel like they were from a movie. There was a night when we were driving in the hills above the city, singing together and enjoying each others company. It was like the world stopped and everything disappeared accept us. You see, things between us were never official because he was going through his own struggles too. He was dealing with his own issues and it’s like the timing was off. Here’s the other thing though, in the beginning of this relationship, I had fallen in love with him and didn’t know he felt the same way towards me. Again, my insecurities from my previous relationship led me to believe that it was impossible for him to feel the same way about me. Sometimes I truly believed my intrusive thoughts because there were days when he wouldn’t answer my texts, so I figured he was preoccupied with somebody else. So I decided to compartmentalize my feelings and give him some space.

This then leads to the next “relationship” I was in. Remember when I said MOST men take longer to mature? Well apparently even when they’re a decade older than you, they aren’t ready. I was introduced to the next individual at work because our department was collaborating to provide the perfect Christmas for a family in need. I was working at another job at the time, so I offered my employee discount to assist with the presents. He then took my number and we coordinated a date to meet at my job location. From here, we went on texting things in relation to the “adopt a family” project and work. Eventually, he hinted that he was interested in me and the conversation changed. We would eventually meet up to eat and then go to the movies. However, the movie theater wasn’t a typical theater. It was very upscale and intimate. It made me feel so special and important. Eventually we would go out to eat more, to sporting events, and even to Vegas, but here is the kicker. He told me no one was to know of our relationship. He even told me we couldn’t save each others names in our phones because he didn’t want anyone to find out. That should have been the first red flag for me, but again, I was still a mess and insecure with myself that I went along with it so I wouldn’t end up alone. Red flag number two, was when he would have me sneak around to low traffic areas of our work campus or park down the street from his house so no one would see us together. Then lastly, red flag number three. He was extremely manipulative and verbally abusive. He would always play these mind games where one day he would say he loved me and that we would go public with our relationship and the next he was telling me I was immature and needed more experience to be in a relationship with him. Then the day came when I found out that the main reason for his sneaking around had been because he was simultaneously seeing one of my coworkers at the time. We were both infuriated when we found out and his only response when we confronted him was, “I told you I was a bad guy.” Then he proceeded to block me on social media and avoided me at work at all costs.

While that drama was playing out, I was still talking to my light in the dark, but as a friend because remember, I didn’t know he felt anything for me. I would talk to him about me talking to this immature guy and he would tell me I should distance myself from him because no good would come of it. He was pointing out to me the red flags and because I was looking for acceptance, I ignored his warning. So when things ended with the immature guy, I was grateful to still be in contact with my light in the dark. Again we resumed where we had left off and we grew closer. I would do anything for him. I would see him after work when I was exhausted and stay up late to spend time with him. I helped him move homes and I’ve helped him pick up car parts from other cities while he had to work. He’s extremely hard to say no to. It’s unfortunate though that he also found himself in another relationship with someone he doesn’t care for. He would repeatedly tell me that things with her would end, but that it was hard because they had their names on documents for the property they were staying in. I just stood by waiting for things to officially end between them so he would be mine, but that day never came…

… instead I met the stranger from Arizona and spent the entire day with him at Disneyland and well, you know where the story goes from there …