Lie To Me. Issue #5

Working in the casino taught me many, many, things, I met many peers that taught me some important lessons I carry to this day. I made new friends, and lost those friends, I met a kindred spirit (we will call him Brandon). Brandon was kind, he was funny, he was lost. We almost instantly hit it off through our humor, we shared the same perspective on life, he had endured his own hardships somewhat similar to mine. We simply differed on one aspect; Brandon wanted to find someone to settle down with while I was wanting to be alone at least for the time being. We would call each other when we were too much in our own heads. For some reason we could just talk each other down like it was second nature. Brandon and I worked the same shifts, we took the same breaks, and we would hang outside of work. He got me into exercising properly, taught me that we can just laugh for no reason no harm in that, we taught each other resiliency.

One day, a young girl came to my section of the café looking for a job, I took her information and gave it to HR, Brandon hot on my tail asking me if I had known her. He was practically head over heels for this girl. I thought she was pretty cute as well. Out of respect for Brandon (and because I wasn’t interested in dating) I backed down giving him the opportunity to talk to her first. They hit it off! And were supah cute together. Not long after those two more friends joined our little group and then two more after that. We were like a small family, we would go to the pancake house together and order just a ton of food late at night, sit and eat while talking mess about the day. For a short time, I forgot about my past and was just happy.

From time to time Brandon would tell me about some of the issues he and his girlfriend were having, he would tell me how he doesn’t feel like she is serious, just playing games. It was plastic love. This went on for some time, and while his girlfriend was the cheerful partner, Brandon was getting lonelier and lonelier. I didn’t want to get caught up in someone else’s relationship drama as I still had my own to deal with. I offered what help and advice I could but ultimately, I did my best to stay out of it.

One night, Brandon and his girlfriend didn’t show up to the pancake house, I was the only one concerned while the others figured they just couldn’t make it, I mean, it makes sense we are adults and often life gets in the way of what we want. He wouldn’t answer my calls or texts. The next day at work I was eagerly waiting in the break room for him to show up. His girlfriend came in first, I quickly asked where they were and if Brandon was coming in too. She ignores me and walks on to the main floor. Brandon didn’t show up for work that day, it had my nerves standing on edge. After my shift I went to his house, he was a wreck, He and his girlfriend had broken up as she had wanted to move on with someone else. It is never easy seeing your friend’s cry. I promised him I wouldn’t leave, that we would be bros for life. Brandon felt better, I got him to smile. That night we went for a drive. We drove for hours all over the town, we hit on girls, we ate, we smoked so much that I thought I was air bending. We both needed to work in the morning, I had told him to stay at my mom’s house with me that night, as it wasn’t the smart for us to be alone that night, Brandon turned me down, he said he told his sisters he would hang out with them leading into the weekend. I believed him.

The next day at work I waited for Brandon to show up as it was gonna be a great day as the fun manager was on shift with us, we had only to kill time most of the day very little work to do. He didn’t show up. I waited for most of the day thinking he must be nursing a nasty hangover. Brandons’ Ex was in the break room surrounded by some of the other girls, she was in tears, I tried to be kind and asked if she was, ok? I guess she knew the sound of my voice because she quickly came to me, hugged me, and wouldn’t let go. I asked and asked but she couldn’t stop bawling long enough to tell me.

I don’t really remember who it was who handed me their phone, when I try to remember who it was, I cannot see their face, I cannot hear their voice.

In the late night hours, officers and EMT responded to a high velocity crash on the north end of town. The driver was killed instantly. In the back of my mind I kept telling myself it’s not Brandon, it’s not Brandon! He has more sense than that…but I kept reading and they had released the driver’s name; It was Brandon. I felt the deepest pit hit my stomach, I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream and curse his name, I was angry! I was so angry that he left me behind when we told each other we’d be bros for life. I felt blame and guilt, I shouldn’t have left him alone that night, I had him within arms reach and instead of begging him to stay, I let him leave on his own.

I felt responsible for his death (and in some ways) I still blame myself if I hadn’t left him, we would still be the best of friends today.

I couldn’t take it, I ended up quitting the job not long after that, our little family fell apart after three members just stopped showing up. I take responsibility for that; I could have done my best to keep us together and I didn’t.

If I had known that a lifetime would be 1 year, 1 month, and 1 week I wouldn’t have left him that night, I would have made the best of each possible second we had together. I would have pulled his ass out of that car and carried him to safety, or die alongside him. I wanted to take his place, he was to kind of a person the world needs now more than ever…and my world was just made bleaker.

Brandon taught me many things that I keep close to my heart to this day, he inspired me to go back and face Posey and take responsibility for what I had done. I was through running.

[ I think about Brandon a lot, I remember his warmth, his smile. I like to think he gave me the strength to continue even after emerging from the hell I created for myself. I miss Brandon. I miss him so much I cannot help but tear up when I have fleeting thoughts of him. I would give anything to have my friend back.]

To be continued…

-Thudd Walker.