Lie To Me Issue #4

I was alone, my mom’s house was empty. My social media and my phone had been blowing up with people asking me if what I had done was true, some of them were telling me about how terrible I am, that I am less than a person. My employers asked if I was coming into work that day. I was simply drained. I guess I must have been more tired than I thought because my mother told me I had been asleep for almost two days, didn’t eat, barely went to the bathroom. To me, it all felt like one long day. I knew that I didn’t get all my bags out of my car before it was towed, I figured I would do it in the morning, my backpack was in the car that held my wallet, the last of my cash, my laptop, and some more personal items. I was back at step zero.

When my mother was home, I felt too ashamed to talk to her, I barely looked her in the eyes and tried to keep to myself in my room. When she was gone, I spent a lot of time outside, walking my neighborhood or cleaning up the back yard.

Posey would call me, chastising me for running away, telling me she wanted me to come back and then give me exceedingly ridiculous demands in order for us to date again, going on dates with other men and intentionally leaving me voicemails or texts with them together. Everyone began to pull away from me. I would reach out for help and ask anyone that I knew to help me in any way I didn’t care. I guess I was reaching out for some type of kindness…I got none.

I was swimming in debt and needed money…NOW! Without my laptop I had to redo my resume and credentials. I had little to no faith that I would find any work, and was going to resign myself to the call center that the majority of my graduating class accepted as it was a guaranteed job with decent pay and benefits. It was something and I was nothing. The loan sharks were calling me nonstop, looking for me in another town, I couldn’t get my own place as I owed thousands of dollars in back rent to another apartment complex. I was up the creek without a paddle ya’know?

To top things off I wasn’t sleeping well at night, during the day I was always tired and looked like I had been out heavily drinking the night before, and at night while I toss and turn in bed, with the echoes of my actions ringing throughout my head. My dreams betray me, I am plagued with nightmares…well the same nightmare.

(It is important for me to note, as I type this, I do not remember this dream at all, thankfully, as I have been journaling for many years of my life, I kept the journal entries from when this was happening. And I’ll be summarizing the events here.)

In my dreams the setting is always the same, I’m outside, the sky is blank, like someone Photoshop the color away leaving a white canvas, I’m standing alone, I can feel like someone is standing behind me, the breath on my ear, the low grumble of anguish. Turning around I was blessed with the offensive sight of what looked like me just a deformed hulking mass, screaming in pain with no sound other than the low grumble coming out. Before I could do anything, it was free, and crushed me effortlessly. I would wake up, dead tired. This dream happened every night for what felt like forever always ending the same way, I am broken, I am crushed, I am torn apart relentlessly and I’m doing it to myself.

Weeks had passed and my mother was hounding me to get a job, I don’t blame her, she tells me that our local casino was opening a coffee shop within their café and with my experience I could at least try to apply. So, I agree and we both head down there without the expectation of getting anything. Walking into their HR department all I did was ask if they were hiring for their coffee shop, coincidentally, they had told me the person they hired to run it declined at the last minute and accepted another job. Quickly falling into my old ways, I told a lie that I was a lead in my last coffee house job and if they are still hiring, I’ll apply. They looked at me with excitement!

If I could pass a drug test, I would get the job. (I definitely wasn’t going to pass a drug test; I had smoked a huge joint before going to the casino) So I go to take the drug test, stoned out of my mind, pee in the cup and hand if off. After about 20 minutes I was told I am good to go! They sent off the results to the casino and within the same day as I walk in to see if they were hiring, I got a job! And was willing to start the next day! I was stunned! This was hope! Maybe I can make enough to pay off the apartment and get my own place again, maybe I can save up and move to a new town; for the moment I felt excited again. I felt a little better about myself just because I got a simple job.

The night came and I was dreading falling asleep but found myself drifting off easier this time. The dream was the same, the sky is blank, and I was alone…but this time was slightly different. I saw myself breaking free and coming toward me ready to snap my spine like I’ve done to myself countless times before…and then I move, my punch was weak I felt like all my strength was gone but I didn’t care I wasn’t going to be crushed again. My fist connects against my face… and I am crushed. I wake up and I feel the most intense level of nausea I have ever felt in my life, I throw up on the floor…dead tired.

To be continued.

- Thudd Walker