Letting go of the Past

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about my past, a lot. On my way to work, during work, after work, at night in my bed, all day long I am thinking of my past. I realize it’s not healthy to dwell on the past. I know it does not help anything to place blame on a childhood. I know all of this and yet my mind keeps going back to the past. The more I remember of my past, the more my present makes sense to me and perhaps this is why I am obsessed with the memories I am recovering. Still, I don't think this new obsession is helping me and so I want to let go of it. Can I let go of my past though?

I’ve spent many a night just lying in my bed going back and forth through my past. I have analyzed myself and my childhood so much that I figure I must have solved the root of all my problems. If this is so, then I must move on to the next phase right? The next phase, in my mind, would be to become the kind of person who understands themselves and accepts themselves completely. But this phase has not come to me yet. Instead, I feel as if I’m stuck, stuck in the past. A part of me is so angry and resentful that I can’t seem to let go, the other part of me knows that if I could let go I would be much happier. I am so self-aware and feel that I know what I should do, I know that. Still, I can’t seem to let go of the past.

I have a new friend in my life. One of the things I like about this new friend is how honest she is with me. She tells me so much about her life, while I sit there quietly listening. At first I thought she was telling me too much and she shouldn’t. I would never be so bold as to talk so openly about my childhood to anyone. Then I realized that after our talks she would look different. My friend looked a bit more free and happy. Perhaps her letting everything out was making her feel better. Perhaps unloading our childhoods to another person, especially a person who is not related, is how we let go? I have never tried this. I have written a lot of stuff down, I have a ton of journals, but I have never told other people about my past. I always believed personal matters should not be discussed outside of the home, and so I kept my mouth closed and became a very good listener instead. But maybe this is part of the problem, I’m listening to others unload their past to me but I hold myself back and never let anything out. So my past is stuck inside of me, it has never been unloaded.

A war wages on inside of me as one side dares me to be like my friend and start unloading and perhaps even letting go of my past, the other side is too afraid to let anything out, too afraid to be judged, too afraid to say too much. The scared side wins-every time. It is very frustrating to know that some kind of happiness is within my reach but I hold myself back. I once tried to get therapy but after one session decided I couldn’t do it. It reminded me too much of Woody Allen and all the time he spent with therapists. Too scary. But I guess between a therapist and a friend, I might feel more comfortable with a friend. So now the task is at hand. I have not been able to let go of my past and I think it really does affect my well-being. I can’t seem to wish it away or control my mind enough to leave it behind as I move forward. I will try to unload it on to my friend and see if this way I can finally let go of my past.