Figuring Me Out

This is hard work, harder than it looks. I’ve known myself for forty years and I’m still unsure of who I am. What do I like? What do I prefer? What is my true personality? I can honestly say I’m not sure. One thing is certain, I must figure it out now before my time runs out. Over the last year I have slowly come to realize that everything I am has been chosen to please others. It’s not really anybody else’s fault, they could care less, the problem is me and my worry about what others might think. For as long as I can remember, I have been choosing not to stand out. I have purposely chosen to keep myself as muted as possible, except for my writing of course. In everything else in my life I have kept myself as neutral as possible. I realize now that the reason I have chosen to be as neutral as possible is because I believe that this is what will keep me safe.

When I sit and analyze myself I realize I have chosen to be neutral in every aspect of my life. My home decor is not what I really wanted, my career is not what I really wanted, my physical appearance is not what I really wanted, nothing around me is what I really wanted. I think somewhere down the line I just accepted to be neutral because I was too afraid to show my true self. It is quite sad but not impossible to remedy (I’m hoping). Over the past few days I have taken on the task of analyzing myself and the choices I am making and why I am making them. I am hoping that if I realize when I am making those choices which have landed me in the position I am now, I will be able to stop myself. I am searching for the choices which will get me out of the neutral feelings and into the happiness feelings.

Here’s an example of a bad habit I have realized I do pretty consistently. I will usually see something that brings me joy in a store, I will grab the item and as I’m holding it in my hands I will suddenly think that this item is something I can’t have. I will convince myself that the item is not me and that I would be making a mistake buying something so different. I put the item back and look for something neutral, something that is not exciting or brings me joy. I then find an item that is neutral, it evoques nothing from me, this item just serves its purpose and that's it. I have been doing this for years, and I can’t help but think that each time I denied myself the things I truly wanted I have been pushing myself down and becoming a blank slate. Why have I been denying myself? There are reasons but none of them are good enough to keep doing this to myself.

It’s both exciting and frightening to start this journey, especially at my age. I’m worried it might just be some sort of mid-life crisis and I’m somehow just trying to be 20 again. Whatever it might be, I think my ultimate goal is to be just a little bit happier. Perhaps change is really all I need and pushing myself to search for the things I have always wanted but kept under wraps was the real cure this whole time. I don’t think there’s any harm for anyone if my goal is to change only myself. I keep thinking back to when I started to write more consistently on vocal and how scared I was of being discovered while at the same time feeling the happiest putting my writing out there. Pushing myself to upload on a public website was something I did for myself against my judgmental mind and the feeling I got back was one that I am now seeking in more areas of my life.