Letter to the clouds

“Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.”

– A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act 1, scene1 / W. Shakespeare

Recently, I’ve been ‘under the weather’ with writer’s block, feeling like I needed a break to rekindle whatever inspo was burning out.

I reached out to the Vocal-Assist Facebook page for advice. So many proficient and diverse strategies to take a whack at the little ‘inspiration bandit.’

Someone advised writing about the writer’s block, and the feelings that come of it. So I started to form a picture.

Writer’s block feels like a clogged drain. Gunks of hair and grease built up on the inner pipes of my soul, because artistry pours out from the depths of our hearts.

Coming across this new challenge on unraveling love, I bit down, feeling submerged with all the words unsaid. All of the feelings I’ve felt, and all of the ideas that stirred in me to create a heartfelt read of my thoughts on love. This was the boiling water I needed to pour into my sticky idle soul, this prompt.

As I pondered on what I was going to write, I rummaged through the different feelings. I felt pain. I felt excitement. I felt scared.

Love is complicated.

I am single, thirty five, and have never been married or have had any kids. So, as you can imagine, this topic hits a nerve, but one I have and continue to work through often. These things don’t deter or hinder my understanding or beliefs on love.

A common word of advice I received was to write out a list of all the things I desire in a husband and BE THAT. Be that for myself and it will attract the right man.

So, the other night I wrote out my first list prior to stumbling upon this challenge.

I’ve never done this before. It felt kind of disingenuous to write down distinct attributes about a person when I’m really pretty open to anything (although most of my friends and family would refuse to believe that). Well, maybe not just ‘anything’ but I don’t really have a certain type, or height, or style. I’m a firm believer that I can fall in-love with anyone if he’s desirable to me.

But given this advice, I wondered what it even was that was desirable to me. My best friend said her husband was actually given this advice and later in their marriage he showed her the list and she said it was really interesting and intriguing to see. One of the things on his list said “small feet.” She chuckled at that one and said “ the Lord must’ve declined that one.” But overall, she said it was the coolest thing to read.

So, I took a crack at it and wrote mine out. To see it.

As I mused upon each line, the things I wrote started to circulate around the corners of my heart.

• Patient
• Compassionate
• Open to change / Counsel if needed

• A will to fight for me when I’m messy

• Loves God first

• Hears me

• Encourages and reads my writing
• Financially stable
• Self control
• Loves animals
• His family likes me

When I finished, I looked at my list immediately, convicted. Was I any of these things?

Patient? Am I patient?

Self control? I snorted at that one, but wow, this little activity was more of an eye-opener for me than it was a prayer for my future husband.

I put a star next to the ones I could work on.

I am single but I’m not young. I’ve been in and out of love, and loving the wrong person, and the wrong person loving me, but one thing I am certain of, is how to love someone.

The most beautiful thing in my exploration of love through out the years is the fight to guard it. Anytime a stronghold is conquered, together you become infinitely one. Loving each other on another level of passion, friendship and partnership because what almost broke the relationship, did not. That’s the proper way to love someone.

Sometimes, I believe so fiercely that this kind of love is waiting for me. The love that’s not effortless but worth sacrificing for.

I know many people who are divorced. My parents are divorced, my sister is divorced, my cousins are divorced, my grandparents are divorced, and to be quite frank, I don’t even blame them! There are so many incidents where I’ve been like “oh heck nah I’d leave too” but for me, coming from a lineage of divorce, I decided, it is too easy of an option for me.

I want to accept the challenge! Because I’m usually the first to leave, but I’m also surrounded by so many couples who depict an everlasting love, not a demanding one. One where there are battle-wounds to show for it. These couples have every right to leave as well, but decided to stride through the trenches. Of course, this is outside of any form of danger, abuse, or any reason to run for your safety, this is not what I mean by “fight through the trenches.”

Disclosure: If you or anyone you know is struggling with an abusive relationship please reach out for options who can help. The beauty of 2024, is there are more resources than ever before for this kind of thing.

I am after a love that challenges divorce, where it can have no place in our vows. Otherwise, why vow? If you break an oath in court it can result in prison time. So that’s the love I yearn for ( plus I’m too old to get married and divorced all in the remainder of my lifetime)- haha!

For me, love is not a feeling, but a commitment that will sway in the hardships of the wind, at times separating and blowing our souls apart, but always working to sail the way back to shore.

Where we look down at our wrinkled hands intertwined in each others.

“Love is not love, Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:O no! it is an ever-fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken.”

– Sonnet 116 / W. Shakespeare

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.”

~1st Corinthians 13:4

“Both of us knowing, Love is a Battlefield”

-Pat Benatar

So, I sealed the letter with a kiss and offered it up to clouds. And now, I wait.

My beloved, I will wait for you.