Letter To Mom

Hey Mom, I never told you this before , but remember when I broke my leg in college playing rugby? And I promised I would never play rugby again? Well…1 year after my leg break and months of therapy, I started playing again. I know, I know…I promised I would never play again, but I loved to play and I was really good at it. Please don’t be mad and let me explain.

Originally I was only going to play one game so I wouldn’t be scared or traumatized from the injury anymore. But I fell in love with the game again and I had to keep playing. I played the 5 games left of the season and then in the fall I started playing full time again.

Not only did I start playing again I was cleated in the thigh pretty badly, so badly I had to get stitches. Do you remember Junior year and I called and said I fell hiking and cut my leg and had to get stitches? That was actually the rugby injury.

I was still on yours and Dad’s insurance so I had to lie, I wanted to keep playing. Luckily, I never had another really serious injury. One of my friends was going to Medical school, so I became her guinea pig. I actually helped her a lot, especially with my deep muscle bruises. She kept trying to work on football players but I think the coaches were sexist and would only let the male med students work on their players.

Mom, this also brings me to another confession which goes along with the continuing to play rugby confession. During this time of playing rugby behind your back, I also experimented with lesbianism. It was an all girl rugby team and quite a few were lesbians or bisexual and I was bicurious. Those times I said I was having a girls trip and weekend, I was playing rugby tournaments and having sex with other women. It was a really fun time of playing a sport I love and getting in touch with my sexuality.

I found out a lot about myself and it shaped a lot of who I am. I found out that women are amazing, beautiful, sexy creatures and I’m really proud to be a woman. I also found out that I’m ridiculously heterosexual, as incredible as women are, I’m not attracted to them in a romantic or sexual way. I wish this wasn’t the case, because now as a divorced woman in the deep end of the dating pool, the men that are single and available are few and really sub par.

Mom, I have no regrets in experiencing these things. The only thing I regret is keeping this part of me a secret from you. We’ve always been so open and honest with one another, it’s felt wrong to keep this from you, but I was afraid that you would be angry about the rugby because I could get seriously injured again and I was afraid to tell you about my personal sexual exploration because I thought you would not understand why I needed to do it.

The world and society try to label everyone and fit them into neat little boxes. I don’t believe this at all, I think humans are incredibly diverse and wondrous. I have this need to meet and explore all different types of relationships and personalities. It’s been a wonderful gift in my life, it’s helped me to not judge people and include everyone I’ve come in contact with. I’ve become a safe place for so many friends. When they just need to be themselves, I’ve been able to be that safe place for them. And I love being a safe place for people. It makes me feel like I’m helping and hopefully making a difference in this world. I know I’m making a difference in their world.

I wanted you to know this part of me. I hope you think better of me and love me still. I love you Mom. Thank you for reading this and for raising me to be the person I am today.