Lack Of A Father

About three years ago my dad was diagnosed with an incurable lung condition. Two months later, in a sneaky way, I packed my bags and left home. I am not welcome at home anymore and have not seen my dad since. Neither parent of mine accepted the fact that I have mental illness. They both treated like I was just badly behaved. I think about my dad every day and imagine the man I would be if he had not seen me like a failed lab experiment.

I was only four years old when my anxiety-which we thought was a gastrointestinal condition acted up. I would throw up anything I ate. My dad would yell at me for this. He accused me of seeking attention and wasting food. He had been born into moderate poverty and despised waste. This he has passed on to me. As my dad had been treated the same way by his parents in his native Kenya, he would lock me in a closet. I didn’t realize how much this would affect me later in life. In short I was denied the ability to form a bond with him. This does not mean I don’t love him and forgive him.

At age seven my dad would have science classes for my three siblings and I. I was always paralyzed with anxiety when this came and always was ridiculed by my siblings and my dad. I felt hopeless because of this. I longed for my dad to be there and say-in time, son, in time. Every week we would have this class and I was always isolated. I didn’t know at the time how much I would be affected by this. I started becoming sensitive to criticism. My nausea was still very bad. At the age of ten my dad took me to a Gastroenterologist to deal with this.

I got the diagnosis of anxiety and was medicated. I was pleased that my dad had done this for me. I thought my woes were over. I was able to eat and gain weight but I was still an odd duck. A year later I was taken to a child psychiatrist. I would be later at the age of 16 be diagnosed with Schizophrenia and autism.

Nevertheless my dad was absent in dealing with the emotional part of my diagnosis. I always felt unhappy and not good enough. I sought affection from others and validity from others. I was often in tears and my dad would be angry at that. He often said; “why can’t you be like a normal person.” I have poor motor skills as well. Folding paper is difficult and I struggle with many things. My penmanship is poor. At age 20 after volunteering for 5 years I got my first paid job. This is where I excelled at and even worked free time to get the managers to like me. I didn’t understand why I did this until I realized I was seeking validity. My dad was always too embarrassed to say I worked in retail and lied and said I was a Dietician.

After much barraging I decided to go to university. My dad chose the program-nursing. I did well in courses but my poor motor skills were the problem in clinical. I eventually had to drop out and go back to working retail. This was 2012. The last seven years living at home were the worst yet. Many times for a small reason my dad would threaten to kick me out. I bottled my emotions but eventually I would erupt in anger. This is why I left home. By calling my dad out on emotional abuse I am no longer welcome in his presence.

As one can see it is easy to become a parent but it takes a great deal to be a dad. The lack of a dad can lead to long term suffering and unhealed trauma. Every child needs their dad to be supportive regardless of what they feel inside. I suffer perfectionism and low self-esteem. I am just in the process of trying to heal.