Shattered

I love watching movies and reading books as a way to grasp the world and how I belong in it. In the movie-Batman Begins-Young Bruce Wayne is asked why he falls as to which his dad replies-to get back up. I feel this concept has reigned with me the most. The lessons and trauma of my childhood remain embedded in my mind and often I sit for hours reflecting on them. To date I am almost 40 and yet still recall hearing certain phrases that would be repeated over and over throughout my life that I first heard at age 4.

I was different from all the kids. Did not want to play with others. I would rather sit by myself and do math problems-at a young age I was doing arithmetic-than talk to other kids. One person in church referred to me as "the Rain Man". That day my parents took me home and told me I was an embarrassment. I did not know at the time that that phrase would be the immature shaping of my early identity.

I was decent at my studies into my teens. I have a fraternal twin sister who was always better at the studies. She does not have any disabilities and I have not seen her in the flesh since I was 18. She packed her bags and left home stating my parents could not parent. I became a bit of a dumping bag after that. At 13, my grades started slipping. I had been seeing a Psychiatrist 2 years prior and he started saying that I was coping with something by withdrawing from society. It was true to some degree. I was disassociating from the world because I had begun hearing voices. I had odd delusions and magical thinking. I recall not being able to use the bathroom till I had straightened the towels. To this day I still struggle with this.

At age 15 my parents thought putting me in a different school than my sister's might help. So for high school I was in a different school than her. I was bullied for not assimilating. Often there were days when I was beaten up in the hallways. If I ever had any money at all, that was stolen from me. Still, the hardest thing for me was putting up with my parents being disappointed in my grades. I was not allowed outside or allowed to do anything than study. This is likely to what led to my "shattering" at 16.

February 9, 2001 changed my life forever in a way I can only understand. That day I felt unusually happy. This happiness was like being lifted into the clouds-not having a care in the world. My parents did not think anything of this euphoria and brought me to school. The teachers could tell something was not right. They sent me to the therapist where they had to call security. I had started screaming that I disliked having every ounce of my life recorded. I recall wrestling with the constable and they called my parents. My dad rushed me to the hospital and after a few weeks of observation, they concluded I had suffered a psychotic breakdown. During that time, for a brief moment, my brain had not received oxygen. I would live with a traumatic brain injury caused by excessive stress.

All my life my parents had hidden from the world that I was different. As a young kid they made excuses for my behavior. They had told me never to tell anyone that I had mental illness. It was when I was 20 and got my first job where I realized I could not keep that promise. I do not speak of mental illness for pity, or to normalize it. I do it because it has shaped my life. I have been bullied, isolated, fired and all sorts of negatives have happened due to it. However, let us not forget the positives. I have heard the words-inspiration, warrior, hero and survivor. Grasping the concept that you are not the illness but that it has shaped you is important. All my life I have been surrounded by situations I can not control. I may use medication to aid in controlling my illness but the main control comes from within. It has also empowered me to be empathetic but more importantly-to be an educator on mental health and well-being.