Just friends

Ever had one of the moments where you just want to stab it in the eye and be done with it?

NO?

Yeah, me too.....but, really....may have thought about it once or twice.

Ok, who am i kidding, every time it opens it's mouth. No, it doesn't wish to be known as a non gender binary etc and the rest (sorry, don't really understand all of that. Not saying its a bad thing. If it's a you thing, you be you!)

In a world that is now really hard to express your feelings, its really hard to say anything without offending anyone.

So guess what?? This is my story, and if you get offended, its a you problem. This is my life I'm living and it has nothing to do with you, nor does my opinion on anything has anything to do you with you.

Ok, now all the niceties' are done lets get back to the eye stabbing.....or lack thereof.

It all started when it decided to cheat. I will call it an it as I believe that one needs balls to man up and admit they effed up.

But not this lying, manipulative, poor excuse for a male species. Instead of even telling me himself, I found out on social media?!!!

What the hell kind of thing, stuffs up his family in one night and then allows the whole social world know before or even at the same time as me?!!

Oh, what made it even better was that he had the audacity to ask me to get rid of them so his family and mine wouldn't see.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FRUIT LOOPS??

Yes, i am trying to keep it semi PG, but in that moment......it was far from PG.

Now, he says he didn't cheat. Because cheating is when you kiss or have coitus.

But anyone in a relationship knows that there are so many things that are classified as cheating. I will write a list.

Types of Infidelity

When a violation or breach of fidelity occurs in relationship, it usually falls under the following categories:

Physical Infidelity: Physical or sexual connection outside of the relationship. There may or may not be an emotional component between partners.

Emotional Infidelity: Emotional attachment or intimacy with another person. Emotional affairs can do as much damage, if not more, to a relationship as a physical affair.

Cyber Infidelity: Social media has made it easier for people to engage in online messages, chats, forums, or groups with sexual content. Cyber infidelity also includes viewing erotic stimuli, such as cheating via pornography.

Object Infidelity: An obsession or interest outside of the relationship can result in what is known as an object affair. This is a situation where one partner is more focused on something such as work or their phone, which causes a distraction from the relationship.

Financial Infidelity: Money is a topic that becomes a point of contention for many relationships. If it progresses to the point of financial infidelity, one partner may be deceitful about how much money they earn, how they earn money, how much debt they owe, and how they spend or loan out money. They may even have money hidden away in cash or other bank accounts that their partner does not know about.

Micro-cheating: A term for actions that bother a partner, such as flirting, but there is no intention of straying outside of the relationship.

Combined Infidelity: When the infidelity includes more than one type. Many infidelities include elements of both sexual and emotional intimacies. Or, a cyber affair may also be considered a form of emotional infidelity.

This was all copied from choosing therapy website.

So now, reading all of this while I am writing...… definitely not a good combo!

I think I've moved on from eye stabbing to good old back over it with a steam roller after castration as well as ensuring the other party is disfigured for life. FML @(*&#$

Ok back to calmness.....and if you think i have issues, mate, if you were cheated on you may understand. But if you're lucky enough not to have well, good on you. Don't judge me for feeling. Again, this is feelings, not i have done it so nerr.

Anyway, i digress, but that's normal lol.

Lets paint the awesome picture.

Picture this, graduating with your class from finishing you course, everyone that was in the course with you was there, including their loved ones to congratulate and cheer for them.

I on the other hand was there technically alone, but lucky i also had my unborn baby. Yup, that's right. I was pregnant with baby number 3.

Where was my baby's maker? It was off partying with its work mates. It chose to go to its Christmas party. Mind you, so it didn't feel guilty about me going on my own to my graduation, it asked if it was ok to go to his party, and me not wanting him to miss out because he kept reminding me through the week who was going to go to this party and it was gonna be great blah blah blah said fine.

So, graduation went without a hitch.

Didn't even know when it got home, but was alright cause it made it home and i hoped he had fun.

Morning! Well kids are fed, and let's check the socials while having a cup of tea with my 7 almonds. Gestational diabetes is awesome, not.

What greets me next, left me screeching like a banshee. There it was with this blonde thing, posing like a couple over and over and over again. What made it worse there and then was that WE don't even have one decent couple photo. WE don't even have one couple photo. Sure there were photos of us together, him putting me in a headlock, him pulling faces next to me, and even with a heap of other people. I was already reeling with a sense of violence. Then the photos after that pushed me over the edge. There it was arm draped over her shoulder, sticking his finger in her drink smiling like an eff wit, then the next photo where she was backing up against his crotch while "dancing".

I lost it.

I trashed the house, screamed, cried, threw things outside and called it while it was at work.

I couldn't understand, i didn't understand. I hated him. I wanted him to hurt as much as i did. I wanted to break it and the other thing in to unrecognizable pieces and burn them. And all he says is, it's really not that bad. Nothing happened. It looks bad, but it was nothing. She's just a friend. It's not like i cheated on you. I came home to you. Nothing happened between us. Your over reacting because you're pregnant.

Then asks to get rid of the photos so people as in both families don't think little of him.

No ownership.

I don't understand.

Just a friend. Just a friend. I don't know about you guys, but I don't do that with just a friend. I was definitely ropeable. Other then wanting to dismember him, I wanted to skin that blonde piece of crap.

Would you believe that it asked me not to?

I hate him.

I am fuming with so much hate, hurt, anger.

ANGER!!

I am angry, I am furious. These feelings are so much easier to handle then hurt.

I am violently angry. The absolute betrayal.

All that betrayal it has caused for me, my children, my unborn child. It was bad enough that i wasn't a thought that was in his head while he was doing his thing. Our kids were not even there and even worse, my unborn child. That poor excuse for a human did not even think about our unborn child.

All he thought about was that thing, then making sure the families didn't see, but not how i was feeling.

What's even better, was somehow it tried to turn it on me. Me, who went to graduation alone, me, carrying our baby. Then the constant reminder of "I didn't do anything wrong, it just looks wrong." I will never trust him again. I start hating me more then I hated them. How stupid am I?

Then comes the, 'look I understand how this looks, but i didn't do anything wrong".

Well what the eff was was the 'right' part of all this? At this point, I was out for blood. I cried and swore for days. My poor kids was witness to all this ugliness, (which will no doubt add to childhood trauma) I wanted him gone. If it weren't for my babies, he would have been along with the shame and embarrassment that would have gone with it.

But no, It still is here. With it the constant reminder of the photos that ruined my mental health. What did it think I was going to see every time I looked at it?

The unknown is an ugly thing as well, seeing as I have no idea what went on after it took photos with that thing. I have to believe what it said. I don't trust anything it says.

So, time goes on, I gave birth to my daughter who will always be a little more spoilt because of the actions of its sperm donor. I won't lie, there are moments where it feels like a family, then the memories come flooding back and I want to decapitate it.

Years late, yup still stuck with it, you would figure the hurt and mistrust would go away. Unfortunately, it goes and does something else that is so stupid!! And then we are back reliving the ugliness where it first started where I hate him all over again.

Too be honest, I don't hate him with as much venom as it has been, but it is still there. I have tried over and again to get over it's mess, but have now figured out that the reason why I hate it so, is because there would be no way in hell I would ever do that to it.

I have a much higher standard on what I expect in a relationship. Well, it's not that high....It's pretty easy. If you don't want it done to you, don't do it to me. Which is sad, because I haven't done it to it.

What I have learnt is that his actions and his choices are a reflection of the kind of person he is. Not the kind of person I am.

He made the choices of his own free will, no one made him do it. You do things because you want to. NO ONE can make you do what you don't want to do (unless it's a life threatening moment). This makes me sad, knowing he chose to do what he did.

Who knows if I made the right choice to stay, considering it still turns ugly every argument.