It Felt Scary First

Oh no, Dear. Please do not cry. I did not leave because there was no love for you left. I had to leave because there was no growth for me anymore. With time, each day became more numb, more fading, more blue.

Did you ever think about this before? When we were laughing together so hard that our bellies started to hurt? Did you know that it was the last time that day when you kissed my forehead with so much love and joy, that it will be your last honest kiss for me? When did you learn how to make the perfect coffee for my taste? Why did it taste like so much sweeter from your lips than from my lovely mug what you made me for my birthday? How did you know how I like to hold hands, how I like to cuddle up, what do I need to hear when I am scared? Why did you made up those bedtime-stories for me to fall asleep quicker? Did you know that you will turn my dreams into nightmares soon? Did you know that my favourit mug will break two weeks after we part our ways? Did you secretly put poison in every future-coffee I will ever have? Did you tell everyone else to never be like you so I can not even try to look for you in others? Did you tell me all the jokes before you left so I could never laugh without you again?

I loved you with all my heart, you gave me life and I have learned to be a human amongst your calming arms. You changed me in so many ways I thought no one could ever. Maybe that was the problem. That I changed, but in the meantime, you never did. I got my first bruise with you, I cried for the first time in my life in front of you and you were there every time when I felt like I was alone. You made sure I know I belong. That is why it makes me so sad to float in this emptiness now.

Maybe with time this choking feeling in my throat will not be more than the last step what will make me stand up and scream at the top of my lungs that "I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. And I forgive you for everything and I will miss you with all my heart and I hope you will be happy but please do not make me watch your happiness. Please, let me go. Please forget me. Please let me be free again."

Maybe, with time. But for now it is very hard for me to find the words, although I have always been very good with them. I do not know if it is worth it to form these words what might could hurt you like sharp spears. Or maybe I am more afraid that you would not even care. Maybe I am more afraid that you would make all this seem so numb, fading and blue.

I still feel like I belong. I also feel like I float in the void.

I still feel like I could stay with you but every inch of my body tells me to go.

I still feel like I would like to taste my favorit meals with you but my mind tells me my taste should change. For the better.

But you will always be at the back of my head as a bittersweet reminder, how it felt like to be half-loved, how it felt like to be half-human.