Desire for my chemistry teacher

The title sounds pretty unappealing. But I have to say, my chemistry teacher in college was something different. I like how he was a young man who drank tea instead of coffee and had no belief in breakfast. When will you ever see a brainiac chemistry teacher who drinks tea instead of coffee and doesn't believe in breakfast!!

Even though his lips looked like they tasted like envelope adhesive, and he spilled his tea most of the time on his tie, I always had the finest intentions that I could fix him. If that sounds cruel, this philosophy says, "hurt people, hurt others." No, I'm not saying I will hurt him, but I have drawn strength from the validation provided by past relationships, owning to my own insight and understanding.

I arrive at class. Again, I stare at his bright green eyes as he educates us about skeletal structures, the only structure I'm trying to figure out is how to master the attraction of dating my teacher. I liked the way he sipped his tea as if it was way too hot even to begin drinking, his hands were veiny and he definitely went to the gym to focus on enhancing those pumping bloodlines, attracting me even further down where the butterflies rapidly haze. He presented himself as if he could dress himself on his own, he acted very independent and was certainly goal-driven.

Sometimes I would pretend that I had forgotten to work out the questions to attract his attention. Most of the time I wished he would never stop talking while I watched him flick his bangs back as they were too long and got in the way of his sight. I also loved how every time he would turn back and forth to the board, then back to me, I could see his masculine arms that were clearly shown after rolling up his sleeves. His shirt always looked freshly ironed and my delusional mind always thought he rolled up his sleeves so that I could see his arms.

~

"Mr. Pette. I'm stuck on this question!?"

"Which one Kodah?"- He looks down at his paper and rolls his sleeves up further in his arms as they fall.

I was admiring for too long, and I forgot my question.

"Which question Kodah?'- He looks up at me.

"I don't know, I can't remember."- I grin and lose my focus gazing at him.

"How can you forget!!"- He chuckles.

"There are more important things now."- I continue gazing.

~

It's crazy to think I was this madly in love with my chemistry teacher. Yes, madly in love. As crucial as it sounds, I always write about how 'love is just a feeling and can be controlled like any other emotion'. I had my final chat with the man I thought would be living with me in my dream princess castle somewhere in Romania and he wanted to discuss my debacle grades.

"Kodah. You haven't been doing very well lately, not the very well I know from you. What's happened? You were doing so well when we started."

"That sounds so degrading."- I fiddle with my rings.

"I just want the best for you."

"Do you though? Do you really?"- I cross my arms.

His eyeballs escalate from the right and then to the left. "Yes...I-"

"Well it doesn't sound like it."- I stand up and cut him off. "You're just not interested in me, I get it."

"Huh, Kodah? Of course, I'm interested in your work, I want what's best for you."

"You're just worried about my work?! Thats it??! I can't do this anymore with you."

...

Even though he didn't feed into my delusional hysteria of unclaimed love, I don't think he/or ever will understand the way I saw him like he did.

I shouldn't have made an unnecessary scene like that; he didn't know what was happening through my mind.

But hey, we live and we learn~

Confessed.