I Wish I'd Known These Things About My Mother

Mommy performed the unthinkable. She left Vietnam while carrying me, and she lost contact with my father in the commotion. She was so determined that despite not knowing any English, she brought all her 14 children to America without incident, tracked down my father five years afterward, and kept them all in order. She envisioned for me a better existence. I refused to follow her plan to displease the one individual I wanted to please.

We couldn't agree on anything throughout my entire adolescence. My Vietnamese wasn't good enough to follow up with her talks, but it is evident that she didn't like it. She viewed me as an issue child—irresponsible, reckless, and risk-taking without concern for the family's reputation. I was creative even though there was no room for self-discovery or committing mistakes in my home. I managed to combine the two.

I didn't stay home long enough, according to my mother, who thought I made a lot of blunders. I left home when I was 17. After college, I failed to find employment. I spent months couch surfing since I had no idea what to do with a degree in neuroscience. I skipped medical school. To get a Ph.D., I went through years of going bankrupt. I didn't wed a Buddhist Vietnamese man. I wed a person of a different race and religion. I didn't respect established gender roles. Before starting a family, I prioritized developing my profession. I did not remain at one job. I didn't always have a strategy, and I took risks.

I was supposed to adhere to a success formula closely connected to Vietnamese society in the 1950s, but I didn't. I carved my course. I didn't have any feelings of support, affection, or understanding throughout that period of my life.

No matter how well-meaning, those who love us the most frequently project their hopes, anxieties, and ideologies onto us.

Years later, after having lived in hospitals and rehab facilities for a while, my mother's body began to shut down from kidney failure. She surprised me when we were having our most in-depth talk. She informed me that when she escaped Vietnam in a desperate attempt to keep her family safe, I had made a life choice that was far more fulfilling than she had imagined for me. She had never before expressed pleasure in who I was. I had just turned 32. My mother passed away soon after that point.

Since then, I've devoted much time to reflecting on the past and developing an understanding of our connection. Now that I am a mother, I can see why my mother was upset when I couldn't offer her a phone number or an address to call throughout my couch-surfing days. I understand that she was also battling to maintain her Vietnamese heritage on a much larger scale and that she felt my independence contributed to that loss. I wish I had known so much more about my mother earlier.

I am aware that my experience is not unique. Immigrant parents and their kids who are first-generation immigrants frequently experience what seems to be unrequited love, but even more regularly, it is not openly expressed. Here are three things I wish I'd known when I was in your position if any of this seems familiar to you or if you feel obligated by your parents to lead a lifestyle that doesn't match who you are.

Think about this advice if you want to try and save your relationship. It would have resulted in more priceless time spent with my mother, helped me conserve energy, and enabled me to feel greater delight as I forged ahead on my professional and private journeys.

1) I wish I had known that my mother was resilient and strong.

I grew up believing blending in with my American friends as a bicultural child was difficult. In actuality, things were considerably worse for my parents. In addition to figuring out how to survive in a place where they didn't understand the language, they were also raising 14 kids in a completely other culture. One of their few possessions that offered them happiness and comfort, they struggled to uphold their culture and customs.

I wish I had understood that my mother's tough exterior covered a fragile person who yearned to fit in with her independent, American-born child. I regret not posing more inquiries. I wish I had realized she lacked the vocabulary to communicate in a way I was prepared to investigate or accept. Even if I had not concurred with her, I would've treated my mother with greater grace and respect for her good intentions.

current knowledge

No matter how well-meaning, those who love us the most frequently project their hopes, anxieties, and ideologies onto us. This is particularly typical for first-generation immigrant children, who frequently experience intense pressure to live better lives in compensation for the hardships their parents have endured.

Your parents probably don't comprehend you, that much is true. Likely, you, too, don't comprehend them. Although their demands may appear unreasonable, unhelpful, or narrow-minded, there is frequently love behind all of this—it is simply not always communicated how you would like.

Your differences may cause anger or, in my case, alienation if they are not handled well. There are emotional repercussions to this; bearing that weight as you try to pave a new course for your life can exhaust you. It will take time to mend a naturally damaged connection. Building a foundation of understanding, compassion, and effective communication is necessary before you can go further and take on challenging issues.

How you can change your behavior

Before addressing the contentious issue, concentrate on getting to know your parents as individuals. Everything is achievable if you establish a foundation of compassion and empathy, including peace, comprehension, and reconciliation.

Avoid using stereotypes to influence your story like my mother, and I did. Like you, your parents have viewpoints shaped by their generation, civilization, age, stage of life, and personality. They take cues from their experiences just like you do. They have experienced a lot as immigrants and are quite wise. To progress and have respectful dialogues, you must both let go of your misconceptions.

When it feels right, express trust and gratitude via your words and actions to ensure no one seems invisible or alone. Begin modestly.

When you can, check in with your parents, spend time with your family, even just for a 10-minute video conversation.

Simple actions like laughs and hugs have a powerful impact. I made sure to hug my mother before I left her house. Before the hug, I might have been upset or depressed, but I always felt worse once I let her go.

You may easily make your parents feel loved by showing them gratitude, which will also benefit your advantage. Consider the occasions when you were most pleased with their assistance. Instead of making general words like "I'm thankful for you," such as "Thank you for preparing dinner for me again. I know you were exhausted. It means a lot to me. ", be more specific.

Try keeping a notebook to remember times when your folks have helped you over the years if you don't have a connection where you can directly express your sentiments. When appropriate, show your love in whatever way that feels true to your bond, whether through a straightforward card saying "I love you," a surprise visit, or helping out in the kitchen.

2) I wished I had understood how to have difficult conversations politely.

As an adolescent, I was paralyzed by dread when it was time to have difficult conversations. Fear of awkward silences, awkward conversations, failure to persuade my mother to alter her viewpoint, and anxiety about not being understood or feeling loved. My mother would frequently pose probing inquiries about my life as well as my plans whenever I went home. I worried that my responses would let her down once more.

I put up walls before my trips to help me feel more at peace. I imagined our previous disagreements, practiced new ones, and even devised justifications for my way of life. In my head, my mother was the insane bad guy, and I was the helpless victim.

I was already agitated when the talk started, which was bad for both of us. I shut down after speaking too quickly and saying things she couldn't understand, and I left, desiring a second chance. She must have reacted in vivid detail to my rambling speech. She appeared to be ignoring me when I opened up and shared my deepest thoughts. Today, I perceive her reply as a sincere expression of perplexity. She never truly grasped my convictions or was ready for them.

I wished I had realized that my biggest hurdle was myself.

current knowledge

It's difficult to foresee what the other individual will say or how they might react to what you say during difficult conversations. You can, however, control one thing: yourself. You have the power to choose what you want to gain from a challenging conversation with your parents as well as to frame your response in a way that will position you to do so. You also have the authority to select what is off-limits, what is a limit, and what you don't want to discuss.

Your ultimate objective should be to leave knowing that you behaved with respect and integrity. You have no control over what your parents may say or do next; you only have control over what you say and how you express it.

In my situation, I desired comprehension. To demonstrate to my mother that I was working towards my goals with the tenacity, development mentality, and resilience she instilled in me as a youngster, it would have been brilliant for me to explain my lifestyle in the context of our shared values. I was going too quickly, though. I couldn't have started the conversation because I was too terrified, angry, and defensive.

How you can change your behavior

Remember that you only have so much energy and are free to decide whether or not you want to talk to your parents about your life. Early boundary-setting, such as selecting whether you're open to taking advice and what aspects of your existence you will and won't disclose, will be beneficial.

I suggest telling your parents beforehand if you decide to talk it out rather than shocking them with a frightening phone call or visit. Make it clear what you'd like to talk about and reaffirm that you appreciate their viewpoint to prevent panic. You might find the following general format helpful:

Indicate a date and location: "Do you have opportunity to join me for lunch at home on Saturday?”

Make what you want to talk about obvious by saying, "I got a job offer that I'm really excited about since it will enable me to develop my leadership skills while it pays well, but I'd have to move to Chicago."

Express your appreciation for them by saying, "I know there are many direct flights between Chicago and home, but I'm still a little apprehensive. Discussing this offer with someone like you would make me feel more at ease.

Make some notes on your end goal before the meeting. But be careful not to recycle tired stories that are useless to you. Start the conversation by sharing something about your life instead of seeking the other person's approval for your decisions. Although it's unlikely that your parents will question or criticize you, if they occur, attempt not to react angrily.

Your boundaries won't always be respected; it's a fact. You can save energy by developing deep listening skills when you receive unsolicited counsel. Allow your parents to empty their souls and minds; they find watching you enter the unknown difficult. Before you answer, take a moment to center yourself. You might discover a method to align if you can connect the values guiding your decisions to only a few virtues your parents instilled in you while growing up (resilience, integrity, etc.). This is even more true if you already have that foundation of compassion.

Your ultimate objective should be to leave knowing that you behaved with respect and integrity. You have no control over what your parents may say or do next; you only have control over what you say, as well as how you express it.

3. I regret not realizing that choosing between all or nothing wasn't necessary.

The discussion of values brings me to my final point: I believed I had to uphold traditional Vietnamese values for most of my life since my family did. My mother was the gatekeeper to our fulfillment, men were valued more than women, and older siblings held dominance over younger ones. I felt like a closely bound outsider because I was the only female, the youngest, as well as an American native.

I was trying so hard to get away that I didn't realize my mom's playbook wasn't all that different from mine. Like me, she cherished family. That meant staying home till she was married so she could spend time with her family and be ready to start a family. It meant being present in every way during crucial occasions for me. Like me, my mother placed significance on virtue. She was just as heartbroken to see me falter, fall, and face my struggles as she was to teach me that failing is a possibility for progress.

Our independence was the most important thing we had in common. Each one of us produced our opportunity. She devised inventive ways to get money so she could feed and clothe us. I put a lot of effort into establishing an independent self from my family. She gave me the luxury of being able to make plans that went beyond mere survival. It took me losing her before I understood that underlying all the contentious debates was a profound admiration.

While I was a kid, I believed that our principles had to be expressed in the same manner, and if they weren't, I had to embrace the discomfort, gather myself, and demonstrate the validity of my position. It was very taxing. When I think back on my life's milestones, such as finishing college, enrolling in graduate school, and becoming engaged, I realize that I was exhausted on all fronts when I got there. I was unable to enjoy those moments completely.

I wish I had understood that I didn't have to respect everything about my mother and her background and that I could pick and choose which of her beliefs and customs I wanted to adopt for myself in the future. Early in my life, I wish I possessed the courage to tell her and myself this instead of excluding her or harboring animosity.

current knowledge

It's not always necessary to rebel to the point of extremes to discover your true identity, separate from your parent's identity. In my instance, I rebelled against my family to assert my independence when I was younger, but my family remains at the core of who I am. Being estranged never felt right. I made the error of believing that I had to concede my objectives or yield to hers.

Be aware of this in your own life. What are you sacrificing that you do not want to sacrifice? Are those behaviors motivated by your underlying values, resentment, or fear? What do you require if you're exhausting yourself? Sometimes, a hoover could be the solution. Sometimes, it could be to engage in a challenging discourse.

How you can change your behavior

Find the family values you and your parents share by sorting through your values. Honor those, understanding that while you might have some control over how your principles are expressed, you also have an intrinsic connection to your family due to your upbringing and culture. Keep your ego from controlling you. Let the things that motivate you serve as a guide for your behavior. You'll experience longer-lasting satisfaction if you do this without feeling guilty.

For instance, if you're anything like me, you might have spent your entire life attempting to fit in and receive validation from your parents. Consider this crazy idea: compromise, as opposed to shutting them out when you differ or pressing in so hard that you get dissatisfied – both of which may result in emotional burnout.

Making oneself unnecessary is a means by which you can achieve this. Spend time with your parents; however, do it to assist them in letting go of the past and adjusting to the future. Please give them the freedom to live independently as you do. Consider organizing a low-key gathering at your home where your parents can visit and meet your friends. Ask your folks if you would like to stay in their home if they feel that is too much of a step for them. They could feel better at ease socializing with strangers in a familiar setting. Be upfront about your want to expose them to other significant individuals. When she was able to prepare for us and educate us regarding Vietnamese culture using her love language—food—my mother always felt appreciated for these kinds of efforts.

Last, but not least, be aware of the energy you are expending on this journey. If you feel like it, you may take a break. A break indicates that you care about the relationship enough to gain perspective. You will ultimately reach a breaking point if you wait until you've burned out like I did. At this point, you will require a much longer rest. Life is fragile and fleeting. Offer yourself what you require when you need it by taking a small step back.

In methods that let you live out your truth, honor your parents.

Defending a way of life with your parents they don't agree with can be dangerous and even disastrous. Although the severity of these disagreements may vary based on your connection with your family, they are frequently a major source of anxiety. I'll conclude by saying, "Hold strong if you are living your truth."

Although my mother and I occasionally disagreed, we always had an unwavering affection and a solid dedication to our shared moral principles. Because of our shared vulnerability, we both yearned to fit in and be loved by the other. Surprisingly, we were also independent women who didn't like having our lives dictated to them. Even when we were misinterpreted by others and by one another, we remained true to ourselves. It took me losing her before I understood that underlying all the contentious debates was a profound admiration.

Although you should take the time, care, and patience to maintain your connection with your parents, your priority should be to look after your well-being, inner serenity, and good self-esteem. If you start by showing yourself this grace, you can also show it to your loved ones. I wish I had been aware of this earlier.