I Remember...

The first thing I remember is waking up to your fingers pushing inside me. Nails scraping and pressing against me. I had to stay home from school that day because I was sick and you told me to get in your bed. You're supposed to be my mother.

I remember when you would go to work and I was forced to play House with my older brother. I could never be the cat, I was always the wife. Then you beat me when you found out he was teaching me what wives and husbands do at night.

I remember getting older, being sexually confused and hating my family. I remember my older sister boyfriend that was allowed to sleepover, dropping something on the floor and asking me to bend over. I remember lips on my waist, kissing my skin, a remedy for cramps he said. I was only 10.

Was this normal? It keeps happening, it has to be normal right? I remember my brother's friend, the one that crept into all the girls rooms when we went to bed. Tell me everything no matter what, is something you always said. I remember we came to you as a group and told you he was touching us. I remember the look you made, as if we were making a fuss. I remember the disbelief on your face. I remember my heart aching and saying, I'm not making it up. But that look didn't change, so I corrected myself, maybe I pulled my own pants down. As soon as I said it, you lost my respect that day.

I remember your drug days. I remember lying to teachers and forging signatures. I remember telling you how bad the bullying has gotten in school. I think you were high then too, you forgot the instant I told you.

I remember trying to commit suicide. I guess I should have taken the Advil all at once instead of one at time. I was 13, I thought one an hour would do the trick. I didn't even get sick.

I remember 13 being the age I had a growth spurt and my older sister realized I existed. She would drag me all over the streets with her and her friends. Using me to get guys attention so she can talk to them. I was pretty, I had titties. But I'm young, I'm not 18, talk to her not me.

I remember being that young and dancing in the clubs with men double my age. Assuming that this is just how people are. Everybody takes from me, touches me, stripping me of all self worth and dignity. I remember my first taste of liquor. On the roof with the neighbor's kid. Her mother had a drug problem too.

I remember starting high school and being an alcoholic. You didn't care, you called me your drinking partner. I remember how bad it got, to the point I was sneaking pints into school. It didn't phase you though, I finally had friends because I was the one who always had booze.

I remember you telling me I needed to get out of my 16 year old blues because I stayed in my room and always looked sad. Forgetting I was abused. Remember that day you sold me to your dealer for 10 dollars and a fix? You told me to stay still and close my eyes, all he wanted was a kiss. Remember how he whipped his dick out and told me to suck it? I remember how I looked at you and you said like a lollipop. I remember the beating you gave me because I ran away, refusing to do your job.

I remember being too afraid to cut myself so I burned myself instead. It was the only way to lift the fog liquor couldn't cure in my head. Placing cups on the heater then pressing them against my skin. Leaving large red circles on my stomach, watching them blistering. Smiling, crying, finally able to feel warmth. I was so cold, my heart was so cold, death please come forth.

You were back on drugs, I remember I was bolder then, calling you out on your habits. I remember you destroying every meaningful relationship and ruining your status. I remembered being 16 and spent the night out with a 22 year old man. And all you said was do you need birth control. I remember thinking, let's switch roles, you shouldn't have let me go in the first place. I could have been the next murder case. I didn't do anything that night even though you never asked, I didn't want to be like you.

I did well in school, I was in AP classes and taking college courses, but I remember no one ever asking me what I wanted to do with my life. I remember the depression sinking me further and I tried yet again to commit suicide. It wasn't until much later I learned horizontal for show, vertical for results. No one understood my pain because apparently at 18 you're an adult.

I remember you missing my graduation because you said you didn't have anything nice to wear. I remember giving the tickets back to my teacher saying no ones coming, no one will be there. I don't have a family, I barely have a mother. All I have is trauma, scars, and yet another day of emptiness and dread. Another day of loneliness and wishing I was dead. Yet another day of my hatred growing stronger and stronger. Hating people that are supposed to be there for me turned me into a monster.

I remember you finding Jesus and pretending nothing ever happened. As if I was supposed to suddenly love you after my heart was already blackened. I remember you saying I wasn't the best mother but I wasn't the worst. I remember thinking I need to walk away before my anger burst. I can't look at you without wanting to physically hurt you. And now you say I'm the problem, that you raised me as best as you could, that this is all you can do.

This is not my fault, this is what you did to me. And now you pretend to be someone you can never be. You want me to call you mother, you want me to call this a family. I'm not apologizing for being a monster when you're the one who made me.

I remember learning to cry in silence, I remember turning this pain into violence. I remember hating myself and hating you more. I remember tantrums I had and slamming doors. I remember being raised in house full of abusers, then being taunted everyday by accusers. I remember when I started fighting you tried to forget that I was in pain. I remember all the lying contradicting all your actions to only further drive me insane. I remember giving up on ever being a family. I stopped showing all emotion due to insults. I remember this being my childhood, and now I'm just a fucked up adult.